“Maybe when you were completely isolated from everyone and everything. But you’re part of a motorcycle club now, a close-knit brotherhood, a community. You can’t shut down with them.” Her features morphed to hard and determined. “And I won’t let you with me.”
What was happening? “Ashley, stop. I’m trying to—”
“You’re trying to push me away, to break things off, I know.”
“You do? Then—”
“I don’t accept that.”
I really hadn’t expected this. But I should have. When there was something worth fighting for, she stood tall and wouldn’t back down. She really was a warrior. I just wasn’t sure if I was worth that fight.
I was in a goddamn state.
After the brutal struggle I’d gone through before to conquer the dark part of me, here it was rising up once again. It hadn’t been a permanent thing like I’d thought. Would it ever be then? Or, would I be forced to keep fighting it off over and over again until I finally lost once and for all? Until I lost every shred of my humanity and became what I feared, an unstoppable monster?
“I’m trying to protect you… from the dark part of me. I’m sorry, Ashley. I don’t want to hurt you, but this is the safest way right now.”
She was silent for a few moments. I figured she was trying to absorb things, trying to accept it.
But she defied my expectations once again as she stomped up to me and prodded me in the chest with her index finger. “You know, you’d think after being alone for so long, you’d actually appreciate the value of others caring about you. But you don’t, or you can’t. You’ve become too used to going it alone, I think, that you don’t know how to let people in all the way. You only allow a little and then shut down when they try to get closer. Instead of coming to me and looking to me to help you, your instinct is to push me away. You’re treating me just like my dad and the boys used to, like some fragile little child requiring protection from every little thing.”
“What else do you want me to do? Put you in the line of fire?”
“I want you to trust that I can handle it.”
“Sweetheart, I—”
“If you don’t, you’re going to break us. Irreparably. This is a crossroads, Finn. You push me away now and the damage might not be fixable. I’m asking you to trust in me, to trust in us, to believe in us. We’ve already been through a lot and handled it just fine. This is just another hurdle, one I know we can overcome together. You’re not alone now. I’m here with you. Through whatever comes our way. What comes at one of us, comes at both of us.” She stepped up to me, reaching up and stroking my cheek in the most tender way anyone had ever touched me before.
She sucked in a steadying breath, clearly bracing herself to tell me something.
It had me tensing. “Sweetheart, what is it?”
She shifted her weight nervously, then revealed, “When I was here with you playing nursemaid to those awful injuries you sustained, you talked a lot about the monster in you, the things you’d done, and everything. For most of it, you probably didn’t realize what you were saying, because you were hopped-up on some heavy-duty meds. But I know all about it, Finn.”
Jesus Christ. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I wanted you to tell me on your own, if you wanted to. I felt guilty for knowing all of that as it was without your conscious knowledge.”
She was too fucking sweet for words. “It wasn’t your fault.” It wasn’t like me to reveal personal shit to anyone I didn’t know really well, even when in any sort of compromised state. I remember the guilt having settled in back then, so maybe I’d wanted her to know, wanted someone to know in a bid to gain acceptance of some sort, vindication even.
The shocking thing was that it had been achieved, she’d known about the darkest parts of me all this time and she’d wanted to be with me in spite of it all.
And it meant everything to me.
“So, now that you know I know the whole deal, no more hiding, no more arm’s length bullshit, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Good. I don’t want to find out you’re thinking about breaking things off with us again because of some misguided attempt to protect me from yourself.”
“I’m sorry, I just—”
“I get it. You want the best for me, you wanted to spare me. But now you see I already know and it hasn’t sullied me in any way, so your fear is redundant.”
“I’m getting that, yeah.”
“Do you believe in us?”
In her, absolutely. But I was a problematic element. “I want to,” I told her honestly. “But, I’m—”
“Let me try something.”
I tensed. “What?”
“The thing is, the club’s at war and even when that’s over the members have tons of enemies and messed up pasts that could easily have something like this coming our way again in the future. So it’s not like you can avoid aggressive, violent, dangerous situations. And given what I know about you I don’t think you really want to. You’re good at this sort of thing and it makes you feel alive, gives you reason and purpose.”
She was spot on. Damn, she could read me well. It was as touching as it was unnerving. Outside of Scott and Jesse, I’d never had anyone manage that before, or get close enough to have the opportunity.
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Then you’re going about this thing the wrong way. What if you got to a place where you could lose control but have the power to bring it back and reel it in?”
“Then I’d be pretty damn close to normal. I wouldn’t need to—”
“Hide or hold back,” she finished for me, looking excited at the prospect.
“Exactly.”
“Don’t you see? You just need an anchor, Finn.”
Something I’d never had before, because I'd stood at
