He strode to the front door, Ford falling in behind him. Thedog gave her a melancholy glance that made her tears come hard, thick, fast.Man and dog walked out of her house and out of her life, tearing a gash deepinside her.
.~* * * ~.
T.J. was still reeling when hestumbled into his condo, Ford close behind. Sanctuary. Excepthe couldn’t hide from his miserable thoughts.
It was early afternoon, but he reached for the Jamesonanyway, trying to halt the loop in his head. A three-finger pour and quickswallow burned but didn’t chase Natalie from his thoughts. Her scent clung tohim, her taste lingered on his tongue, and her smooth skin ghosted under hisfingertips. A physical craving for her throbbed within him.
He sank into his couch and twiddled the unopened envelope.Ford hopped up beside him, resting his chin on T.J.’s thigh. Absentmindedly, hefingered the dog’s ear before sliding the paper from the envelope and unfoldingit. The top was labeled Pros and Cons, and words filled twocolumns in Natalie’s neat printing.
As he read, emotions began a vigorous tap dance inside him.“What the—” he said aloud. Concerned, crossed copper eyes fastened on him.
“These must be reasons why she thinks I suck,” he muttered.“‘Porn star, gigolo, stripper.’ Jesus, I’d never do those jobs. Way too hard.And what’s so bad about living in California? ‘Guarded, evasive.’ Yeah, she gotthose right.”
What he found unbelievable, though he read the list twice,were the reasons she thought he didn’t suck. Especiallythe part about him being smart. “Girl’s delusional.” Has to be.
“They should make T-shirts that say, ‘Intimacy isn’t forpussies.’” Ford let out a whine, and T.J. ruffled his neck.
Thoughts came at him like colors in a spinning kaleidoscope.
An image of Natalie reared up, filling his mind’s eye. Merehours ago, she’d been naked underneath him, her eyes dancing and sparkling. Andsweet Jesus, what came next had blown his everlovin’mind. A connection, deep and powerful, had moved his body, heart, andspirit. It had terrified him. Though he’d expected some sense of relief afterwalking out, his heartache overpowered everything else.
He was hopelessly, helplessly in love with her.
She’d sparked dead emotions to life, and like a limb thathad been asleep too long, the wakening was prickly andpainful. The intimacy—exquisite, yet excruciating—had aroused a feeling sooverwhelming it had shattered his defenses. Feelings he’d neverexperienced before clawed at his throat.
He didn’t want to just be with Natalie. He wanted to cradleher, protect her, love her, and never let her go.
But that very desire put him at her mercy, leaving himexposed, gasping for air, like a hooked fish waiting to be gutted.
Except he was already gutted.
.~* * * ~.
When morning came, T.J.’s chest feltas though weights compressed it. Moving didn’t alleviate the crushing sensationin his heart.
He rolled over cold sheets and checked his phone,disappointed—though not surprised—to find no message from Natalie. He floppedon his back. God, this hurt like a motherfucker; taking a puck to the face wasless painful.
But pushing her away was best for her, right? Didn’t Ifeed myself that shit once before?
And what about his own good?
“You are so fucked up!” ripped from his chest, and Fordjolted beside him. He scratched his pup’s neck. “I’m not talking about you,buddy. You’re pretty near perfect.” He let out a gust of air. “And so is she.”
He reached for his phone again and tapped in a message.
Can we talk?
CHAPTER 31
When Life Gives You Lemons,Chuck ’em Back
Puffy-eyed and exhausted, Nataliestared at T.J.’s text. Indecision had her in its grip. Anger still flared in theash heap of hurt in her heart, but love lived there too.
Natalie: Why?
T.J.: I fucked up. Big-time.
Natalie: Yeah you did.
T.J.: Can I come over and apologize?
A sad sigh escaped. Seeing him might make her cave, andcaving wouldn’t do either of them any good.
Natalie: Not a good idea.
T.J.: Why not?
She hauled in a huge breath and blew it out. Though LilyLogical understood he’d lashed out like a cornered, wounded animal yesterday, Natalie’spain and doubt were too raw to erase with a few contrite words.
Natalie: You walked away.
T.J.: I was scared as fuck. Ur nothinglike Melissa.
Natalie: What happens next time we hit a speedbump and you get scared?
T.J.: I’ll learn to deal.
Unconvinced, she replied: Think you need to figure out afew things first.
Moments skated by before he answered: Like?
Natalie: Like what’s really important to you, what you’rewilling to risk.
The clock’s tail ticked back and forth, marking time.
T.J.: Did u mean what u wrote?
Natalie: Every word.
T.J.: Having hard time buying it.
“And that’s just it,” she murmured through fresh tears.
Natalie: You are full of excuses but no trust.
“I can’t fix you,” she wanted to add. Can’t do this, shetapped instead.
T.J.: Can’t or won’t?
Tears blurred her vision. With a sob, she thumbed a final Won’t.
T.J.: I’m SO sorry, Nat. I love you. Following hiswords were three broken heart emojis.
She ran for the bedroom, tossing her phone on the couch.Collapsing on her bed, she wrapped herself around the pillow that smelled ofhim, and she sobbed.
.~* * * ~.
Two weeks later, Natalie cradled acup of marshmallow-infused hot chocolate at her mom’s kitchen table. Drewmunched peanuts while a huge pot of stew simmered on the stove, filling theroom with a savory aroma. But Natalie wasn’t hungry.
Mom bent, gave her shoulder a squeeze, and kissed hertemple. “Tyler’s loss.”
In the deafening quiet since their breakup, Natalie’s angerhad evaporated, but the ache in her heart hadn’t dulled.
Absently, she scratched at an embroidered cherry on thetablecloth. “It is his loss. In so many ways.He’s never had a real family, and I think he caught a glimpse of ours and likedit. But it also scared him. He’s like a moth—drawn to the flame but afraid toget burned.” Her gaze bounced from her brother to her mother. “I don’t say itenough, but you guys are the best. You’re what family is all about.”
Loyalty. And though he was loyal to the core, T.J. couldn’t acceptit in return from anyone but
