“Where’s Jacob?”
“He’s with my mom.”
“What’re you doing here?” He glances around, searching for the answer in the darkness.
“That’s not it.”
He tilts his head to the side, his hands on the ground behind him, holding him up. He doesn’t move or ask me to sit, but he’s not asking me to leave, either, so I take a chance.
Biting my lip, I sit cross-legged next to him. “Before, you said this is it, but it’s not. I want to make this right.”
“I don’t know how you can, Clara.” His voice is pleading and hurt, making my stomach sink. “You have his fucking pictures all over your house, and I don’t want to hate that because it makes me an asshole. He’s Jacob’s father, for Christ’s sake.” He clasps his fingers behind his head, then lies back like he’s given up already. “I don’t know how to handle this.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, determined to get through to him. I’m not leaving until I do. He needs to know the whole truth, and if he still doesn’t want me afterward, after I try everything I can think of, then at least I’ll have closure.
Lying back, I watch the stars with him, studying them. The stars have always been visible because of the little light. This is why I loved coming out here when we were in high school.
We lie next to each other in silence like we used to so many times, all those years ago. This takes me back, but so much has happened since then, none of which was in our grand plan. Nothing happened like we planned.
“He was jealous of you, you know.”
Dax shifts but remains quiet.
“Mitch constantly asked me about you and whether we were really just friends.” Even though he might not be able to see me, I use quotation marks around friends. Mitch always used them, and his neck reddened every time he asked. He wasn’t usually angry or accusatory, but he was more hesitant than anything. Like he was more afraid of the answer than asking the question. “I always answered him automatically that there was nothing going on with us. But I started to sound robotic, even to my own ears.”
Dax shifts on his side, and I do the same so that we face each other. I’m so close, and he’s at just the right angle for the lone streetlight to shed a dim glow over him. He’s intrigued but still hurt.
“After we got married, the inquisitions stopped, for the most part, like he finally believed me. But there were a few times afterward when he couldn’t help himself.” I toy with the grass between us as I get lost in the memories of the past. “Do you remember Jacob’s third birthday? You came to town for it, and when you went out for more beer, Mitch cornered me, asking me again if there was anything between us. Instead of automatically answering him like I normally did, I asked him what had gotten into him. Why he’d asked. He said he tried setting you up with his cousin that night, but all you did was joke around with me all night. He said it didn’t matter what I answered, anyway, because he saw it. He knew the truth.” My voice cracks, admitting this out loud for the first time.
Mitch’s shadowed expression. His defeat.
His sadness.
We both knew the truth.
“Fuck,” Dax mutters. “It’s why you didn’t talk to me for months afterward.”
“It stung, thinking about you being set up. Thinking if it wasn’t Mitch’s cousin, it’d be someone else.” I nod, turning away from him, ashamed at my next words. “I was married with a toddler. I couldn’t have feelings for my best friend.” I audibly gulp, trying my best to get this out. “I tamped down my thoughts and feelings and focused on my family. Mitch eventually let it go, and you and I fell into our normal routine of Skype dates again, although I was usually discreet. After a while, it finally felt normal again—being your friend.”
He nods, understanding and compassion falling over him as he continues listening.
“We fell into another routine after our first kiss, you know? After the accident. After I moved. We always went back to friends, until the night you came to fix my shower. And now, after the other night, I know we’ll fall into that same routine… but I don’t want to.”
We both sit up, and I place his hand over my chest.
Over my wildly beating heart.
“You see, while you pretended not to have feelings for me, I had to do the same for you, Dax. I had to put aside my feelings for you over the years. Had to pretend it didn’t crush me when you met Dani. When things got serious with you two. Every time you called and talked about her, I pretended because it was too late for us.”
“Clara…” His pained voice echoes around me.
“But I don’t want to pretend anymore. I can’t. I want our new normal to be one where you kiss me. Make love to me. Love me.” I watch his throat bob as he swallows, then bites out a curse under his breath. “I want our new normal to be us together because… part of me has always belonged to you. I loved my husband—I won’t deny or apologize for that—but even so, you’ve always held part of my heart. I didn’t think I would ever move on after Mitch, but then I saw you again. Like my heart had finally healed enough to beat for someone else. For you. It made me finally admit that my heart never really let you go to begin with.” I squeeze his hand over my chest, my heart thundering like it’s trying to jump out into his palm. “I want this to be our new normal because you feel right. If you’ll have me.”
The last few words are barely out of my mouth before
