The tension in the room is thick. Like a punch in the stomach. It makes this week even worse. I feel like I did the time at soccer practice when someone kicked my knee, then elbowed me in the ribs by accident.
This week kicked my ass all the same and worse.
“I’ll try to make it to the next one, okay?” I dip my head to try to look him in the eye.
He merely nods and changes the subject to his day at school when he and Luke played a prank on two of their friends. “We swapped their notebooks and called them by the other’s name all day. It made them so mad.” He laughs, and I relax in my seat.
“You know, your mom and I used to prank each other as kids.”
“Really?” He peers at Clara, whose arms are crossed. She wears a wistful smile like she’s picturing all the stupid stuff we used to get into.
“Of course.” She leans forward. “One time, Dax stole my doll and convinced me she came alive like Toy Story and ran away.”
I almost choke on my food. Wiping my mouth, I fight my laugh. “I forgot about that.”
“And when you finally gave her back to me, she had stitches down her chest because according to you, she needed heart surgery.” She rolls her eyes.
“I saved little Ms. Rainbow.”
“That’s what you called her?” Jacob slaps his palm to his forehead.
“She had rainbow hair. What was I supposed to call her?” She giggles.
After a few more bites and stories, Jacob yawns, and Clara checks the time on the stove. “I can’t believe it’s almost nine. You need to go to bed.”
“But it’s not a school night,” Jacob counters.
“Even so, you’re tired, and I don’t want you to be too tired when we go to brunch with your grandma and Andrew tomorrow. Your grandpa and Izzy will be there too.”
“That’s right.” Jacob scoots his chair out. “Will Andrew show me how he makes Greek wine again? It was cool.”
Clara sighs. “You do not need to know that at this age.”
“Why not? It’s not like I’m drinking it.”
I push my plate forward and rest my elbows on the table. “You should be a lawyer when you grow up, you know?”
“I’d be good at it.” A lazy grin spreads across his face.
“Okay, but we’ll leave the planning for another day, one that’s far off into the future. You know I don’t like how fast you’re growing.”
Jacob groans, and I too internally lament at how quickly time is passing. I make a promise to myself to attend his next game. I can’t miss too many of those things because before I know it, there won’t be any more opportunities.
My own father came to many of my afternoon soccer games. He was a pediatrician and had a set schedule, for the most part. He still missed a few games, but he made it a point to be there with my mom and sister in the stands to cheer me on.
But it hurt when he wasn’t there. When there was an emergency with a patient. When he got called away.
And that’s how I just made Jacob feel. It was written all over him.
I don’t want to make Jacob frown. For him to be upset when I miss something.
I want to be there for him.
I want him to know I’m his biggest fan, but I’ve never been in this position before.
Clara follows Jacob into his bedroom and emerges ten minutes later. Lost in my jumbled thoughts with no answers, I’m almost asleep on the couch when she comes out.
“We read about four pages of Harry Potter before he dozed off, almost taking me with him.” Clara mutes the TV. “Looks like you’re about to doze off as well.”
“It’s been a long few days.” I shake my head. “A patient of mine died yesterday.”
“Dax, I’m so sorry.” She sits with me and grabs my hand.
I sharply inhale, trying not to let my worlds collide. If they overlap too much, I might crumble into the dark hole my work sometimes pulls me into.
I tell Clara about Ed. About the toll it’s taken on me. She listens and rubs my back.
It’s soothing and peaceful. I was sleepy before, but now my eyelids grow even heavier.
“I really am sorry I missed his game last night, but this is my job. It’s long hours and mood swings and stress,” I whisper.
Her hand on my back stops. She places her hands in her lap and stares at them like she’s afraid to say her next words. “What now?”
“What do you mean?”
“With us. You, Jacob, me. Is this what it’ll be like? Missed basketball games and brunches? Late-night dinners? Jacob was so disappointed when you didn’t show last night.”
I clench my jaw, understanding where she’s coming from, but my blood warms as anger builds. “This is my job, Clara,” I repeat, trying to steady my voice. “I can’t always be at everything, but I’m doing my best. I’ve never done relationships, so I don’t know how to do this.” I point between us.
“We’re not a to-do list.” She stands, anger in her eyes, and goes into the kitchen.
I follow her, my body tense. “And I’m not a goddamn machine. I can’t be everywhere. I’m still new and getting used to my position as one of two cardiologists in town. It means a lot of work and dedication.”
“What about us? Are you dedicated to us?”
“Of course, I am.” I run my hands through my hair and pace. I’m exhausted, and my feet are heavy. My brain is fuzzy, and I know I shouldn’t be having this conversation with her like this.
I can’t fucking think straight.
“This is really why you never committed to any relationship. It wasn’t because of me. It was your job.”
“Don’t.” I rub my eyes.
“Don’t what? Speak the truth? Because it is true, right?”
“Don’t use my job against me. You of all people know what I went
