Roll’s dad was thinking back to that time so long ago. “Two is too much. I don’t know about that part. You mean something like one would have been okay? But two was too much. Twins.
“I think I understand. Tom is the older, so you thought you were the apple that upset the cart. Your mom went off about all sorts of things. I don’t rightly know what was going on in her mind leading up to her leaving.
“I can say true, having you both was the opposite of what you’re saying. The two of you hardly needed any attention at all. You had each other. You were probably the easiest kids any parent ever had. I mean it. Your mom just ... she was just so lost.
“Any joy she did have, it was mostly because of you and Tom. I would have thought that should have been enough for her. It sure has been that way for me. I love you son. I can’t imagine the world without you.”
Para said without thinking, “There wouldn’t be a world without you. The antimatter bombs? How many times have you pulled the team through? How many times?” Para stopped talking, but she started counting on her fingers. Then she threw her hands in the air. Not enough fingers.
Roll’s dad was still thinking hard about that night. “It was a hard night. Dozed off. Woke up in the same spot the next morning. I’m so sorry Roll. I should have come and checked in on you boys.”
That intervention was a very good start for Roll. Still, his wounded soul would need more attention.
Throughout the years Roll had tried to work through the painful memory. He allowed the terrible memory, with the pain, to surface every once in a while. He understood intuitively he should deal with it. But the pain was deep; difficult to handle. Shove it down, deal with it at another time. Perhaps time would soften the scar. But the hurt did not diminish over time.
A casual statement might be made, a certain facial expression noticed. Those could be misinterpreted by Roll. The hurt lived on and festered in deep hidden places in his soul.
At times he was angry with his mom. He would think, I’m glad she left. Then he would feel guilty about that; about thinking such things. She was his mom. At other times he was sad she left. It was his fault after all, or so he thought.
At other times he was angry with his dad. Why had his dad not fought for him? His dad should have countered his mom’s statement. He should have said: One is NOT enough! And why did he let their mom leave? Couldn’t he stop her?
Way down deep he may have envied Rock just a little. Rock was enough, Roll was too much to handle! To his credit that envy was a small thing. He did know this was not Rock’s fault. Eventually, Roll chose some wrong paths to cope with the pain.
No doubt the constant high level of stress surrounding the war had served to exacerbate Roll’s hurt. But he had good friends. He had real friends. After that day Roll was far along the road to healing. Healing had always been available to Roll. He had known that all along, deep down. Healing seems to happen best in community. It is difficult to find healing apart from others.
Para has a friend who had gone to a place, I think he still goes regularly, to a place called Celebrate Healing. Or, maybe the name involved something about recovery. Anyway, Para suggested Roll might give it a try. Roll wasn’t sure about needing recovery. He didn’t think he was actually addicted to anything. Para said she knew there was help there for substance abuse. But not only for that. The intent was to address much more.
She remembered the short description her friend had given. It was a place for anyone who wanted to effectively deal with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. That sounded pretty good to Roll. He decided to give it a try. His friends will continue to follow up, to make sure he is okay. To help him be okay. We’ll have to wait and see. Be brave in your willingness to help. Be wise in your effort to help.
THE END
***
Viz had opportunity as a fledgling journalist to write some articles while still at University. You might find this short excerpt interesting. It is from one of her early articles entitled, Staying In Touch With Our Emotions.
Have you ever thought about how much damage is done by hiding our traumas deep within? Those hurts don’t just go away. Deep wounds do not heal when hidden away in dark recesses of our mind; our soul.
There, they have an opportunity to fester and spread like an infection. Perhaps the wound breeds misunderstanding. Or the infection promotes another condition such as jealousy, self-doubt, anger, envy, broken relationships, depression, and more.
That is why we should be ever mindful of wounds, even when they have no physical cause. We should be mindful so as not be controlled by them. We should examine our hurts to be sure they are healing.
That will cause discomfort. Most often it is wise to allow someone who has knowledge of such things, to help with the healing process. Healing is best done in community.
We should be patient with others, even those who have hurt us. But we should also be wise. Oftentimes patience, and forgiveness too, require watchfulness. There really are people in the world who only care for themselves and could cause further harm. Perhaps they themselves have been deeply wounded.
Be quick to forgive, while remembering trust is something that must be earned. Broken trust must be earned twice over. If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit we too have been the cause of pain in others.
We should be cautious so as not to shift our own blame onto another. Most
