I need you. I don’t want to. But I do.
Chapter 24
Javier
“Are you ready to talk?” Sydney drags her fingernails across my bare chest as we lie next to each other in my bed. Once we cleaned up from the sex up against the wall, I dragged her back to my room so we could lie down. With only the lamp on my nightstand on, the soft glow of light in the room makes the woman beside me look more beautiful than ever.
It’s the first time I’m holding her in my arms after fucking her and kissing her. I never allowed myself to do that before because I didn’t trust myself enough to break the rules, even though I broke about ten others.
Well, fuck those rules. I don’t think we were ever meant to follow them anyway.
God, I knew her lips would hold me captive—it’s part of the reason why I refrained from kissing her for so long until tonight. When she stood there in front of me, pleading with me to let go and finally admit what I feel, the only thought on my mind was tasting her mouth. And now that we’ve solidified that we’ve both been kidding ourselves about the extent of our relationship, I know we need to figure out what happens now.
“I guess. Or, we could just fuck again.” I roll over on top of her, hovering above her face as her dark hair fans out behind her on my pillow, wanting to stay in this tender and playful moment for just a little while longer. The slight upturn of her lips has me growing hard again in an instant.
Damn, she looks good in my bed like this—freshly fucked and completely surrendered to me in a way that isn’t just physical. Sydney voiced her feelings earlier, but I’m still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that she’s not entirely bothered by my record. She doesn’t even know what landed me in prison, but she’s willing to accept me despite that. I’m instantly aware of how wrong I was about who she is as a person all of these years. This woman is exceptional in every facet of the word—and she wants me.
“Javi,” she warns, forcing me to accept that this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later.
“Yeah, okay, Princess.” I roll onto my back again, but pull her in closer to my body. We’re both naked still, but the warmth of her skin soothes me in a way I never knew I needed. I press a kiss against her temple, pull the covers up over our torsos, and then take a deep breath. “What do you want to know?”
“Well … I guess I kind of want to know where your head is at right now? Out in the living room was pretty intense and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.” Well, that wasn’t the question I was anticipating. I was sure she was going to ask me what landed me in jail.
“And what page is that?”
Sydney sits up and rests her chin on my chest, her aqua eyes gleaming up at me. “Where do we go from here? I think we can both admit now that there’s feelings involved between us, so what is it that you want?”
My hand reaches out to brush the hair from her face, her strands wild from my comforter. “I want you.”
“So are we … dating? Like, exclusively?” Despite how stern I know she can be and even how much she was with me earlier, her timid questioning right now has me fighting off a grin.
“Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”
She shrugs. “I mean, I guess if you wanna put a label on it.” Her eyes focus on any other place but me until I direct her face back to mine.
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes, but I don’t want to pressure you for anything. This is … this is all new, Javi.”
“You don’t know the half of it, Princess. I don’t do relationships, haven’t for a long time. I’ve had one serious relationship in my life, but that was when I was like nineteen.”
“Okay …” she drags out, and suddenly I feel the energy between us shift.
“But with you,” I add, making sure she understands what I’m saying, “the way you cloud my mind, the way I crave not only your body but your conversation, the way seeing you smile makes my day better … that’s something I’ve never felt before, Sydney.”
The smile that the stretches across her lips makes my chest fill with purpose. “I feel the same, Javi.”
“I never thought in a million years and I’d be lying in a bed naked with Sydney Matthews.” She chuckles and I follow suit. “But here we are, and there’s no place I’d rather be.”
Her smile fades slowly now, alerting me to the fact that maybe I said something wrong. “Then why did you push me away, Javi? On Saturday … why wouldn’t you just let me talk?”
I huff out a harsh breath and then move to sit up in the bed, pulling her onto my lap so she’s straddling me. My hands encircle her waist as I take a moment to gather myself enough to explain something to her. I’m not good at expressing my feelings, but for her, I want to try.
“Sydney … seeing the look on your face when I confirmed the rumor you heard … that’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I saw it in your eyes—the surprise, the twinge of fear, the unknown that lit a bonfire of questions in your mind. Being near you this past month made me realize that I would never be able to handle you looking at me like that …”
“Like what?”
“Like a villain.” I pause for a moment, trying to find the courage to keep talking. “I’ve made some choices in my life I’m not proud of, Sydney. Our pasts are very different.
