“I love you too, Luke, more than anything,” I said.
But I couldn’t keep the tightness out of my voice.
Luke
Things with Adam had gotten better after I had time to reflect on the evening I heard about my mother. It couldn’t have been easy for him to deliver the news to me like that.
I admitted to him that I might have overreacted.
And Adam, being the sweet, gentle giant that he was, told me that it was okay; that I needed to trust my feelings.
That he could handle it if I had an outburst; that it was okay to feel.
Even so, I couldn’t help but feel like we were even further apart, like I was the only one with issues that were destroying the relationship. It was like anything Adam gave me; anything personal and private, and different than his constant, unwavering support would send me over the edge.
He was treating me like I was made of glass. And though I wanted to argue with that sentiment and pretend like I was made of something more durable like brass or iron, I couldn’t help but agree that he was right.
Here in this city, I was fragile. And I could feel the cracks chipping away at my confidence day by day.
Sunday rolled around swiftly, and it was finally time for Adam and I to go to the munch.
“It’s at this speakeasy downtown,” he told me while we were getting ready.
“What should I wear?” I asked. “I’ve never been to a munch before.”
“Just wear what you normally would to a bar. It’s like a regular meetup.”
I couldn’t help but feel the tide of excitement within me recede a little. I was half-expecting to wear one of my fun submissive outfits.
Settling on one of my floral button-downs and some orange corduroy pants that emphasized my bubble butt, I turned around to find myself face-to-face with my hulking giant of a fiancee.
He had that air about him— that aura like he wanted something. I looked up into his eyes and watched his pupils pulse, crowding out his dark green irises.
Desire coursed through me, and all I wanted to do was get naked with him.
But I really wanted to make this munch. Missing it would be saying no to the friendship with Lily.
I needed a support network more than anything right now. Even though it broke my heart, I had to tell Adam, “Not now, babe, we’re going to be late!”
I made sure to giggle a little at the end of that so that he knew I wasn’t mad.
Instead, I interlaced my fingers through his and led him out the door.
It only took half an hour to get to the speakeasy.
We followed the pin on Google Maps and wandered around the building a few times trying to find the entrance.
“There’s a password, right?” I asked.
“Yeah. It was shared in the Facebook group.”
“What is it?”
“Cuck.”
I chuckled, my breath puffing out of my mouth and rising into the night air like cotton balls.
Adam rumbled, his chuckle sounding deeper than mine.
We circled around and around the building, looking for a way inside.
“It’s not the front door?” I asked.
“No, it’s underground. Separate entrance,” Adam insisted.
Feeling the cold bite at my fingertips, I held Adam’s hand as we made a few more circuits around the building.
There was noise, the low drone of a crowd chattering coming from somewhere inside.
“Looks like it’s already started,” I said, my distaste for being late bleeding into my voice.
“This isn’t one of those things where we have to be on time,” Adam soothed.
I relaxed.
We wandered into the alleyway next to the building.
“This place is totally Murder Central,” I mumbled, eyeing the darkness, the narrow walls, the shadowy corners.
I said that about a lot of places in New York.
Adam’s hand twitched in mine, and for some unfathomable reason, my brain latched onto that. I felt my antennae twitch: Was he hiding something from me?
I let the moment pass, not wanting to sour the evening with an interrogation. Adam would tell me what was on his mind eventually; all I had to know was that he was slowly coming out of his shell rather than retreating into it.
Right?
“Password?” the hulking bouncer at the door asked.
“Cuck,” Adam said with a cool confidence, his thick hand in mine.
I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, exactly, but the way he said that to the bouncer made a warm rush of admiration course through me. He sounded so confident; like he was the one in control of the night and that the bouncer was merely an obstacle.
Looking up at my Superman-like fiancee, I couldn’t help but feel myself swoon.
I was so lucky…
Once we were inside, I felt the warmth wash over me.
“It’s nice to be out of the cold,” I said.
Adam merely nodded, the picture of stoicism.
We handed our coats into the coat check and rounded a corner into a glorious underground lair of booze. There were barrels lining one of the walls, a long, classy mahogany bar with glittering whisky bottles behind it. Pillars dotted the room, and the ceiling was made to look like rock as if we’d wandered into a cave. I even saw some decorative stalactites in the corner.
The space was full of people of all different ages, colors, and races. I didn’t know why I was expecting only to see gross older men here.
I could only make out a few of those, and they were usually flanked by twink boys like me. The rest of the space was populated by younger people; some even younger than me. But one variable was common among them, which was the same thing that was a constant for all New Yorkers:
They were all dressed in black.
I looked down at my colorful floral shirt and suddenly felt self-conscious that I would stick out like a sore thumb.
My eyes went up to Adam, and I watched his beard shift shape as he surveyed the crowd.
He was smiling. He
