“You know, sometimes I think about what it would be like if my life went differently. Like if I stayed in that small town, got married to a woman like my parents wanted. Never got famous.”
“What’s that like? That image in your mind, I mean.”
“Well, everything about it sounds terrible, except the part where I’m not famous. I could go to the grocery store and people leave me alone. I could find a quiet place to read and no one will come up and bug me for an autograph. I never wanted this. I never wanted any of this.”
“You know there are millions of people that want what you have,” I mused. “They want that fame. They want to be recognized. They’d give up their identities to do it—”
“That’s not me,” Leo said with finality.
“I know, I’m just thinking out loud here.”
“Did you ever want to be famous?” Leo asked. “I mean, as soon as you go back to the U.S. Once filming is over, you’re going to have this crazy life.”
“I’ve wanted to be famous for a long time, I think,” I said, looking off into the horizon where the bloated full moon was hovering over the inky ocean. “I want to entertain people more, though. Fame is kind of just an aspect of it.”
That was half-true. I wanted to be famous secretly; rabidly. I wanted it so much that I’d written down that quality in my heartmate on the crumpled pieces of paper, most of which were still in my pockets.
Leo nodded and smiled. “I like entertaining people, too. Honestly, I had no idea it would blow up this much; that I would be running sprints trying to keep up with this image,” he said solemnly.
By the way he kept casting glances back at Reese’s trailer, I wondered what else he was running from.
“Did they try to make you come out or something?” I asked.
“Oh? Oh, no. Not tonight, I mean,” he said.
“Leo, what’s going on?” I asked, pausing in the sand.
He sighed and said, “Well, you know how Crim is…”
Immediately my mind was filled with the image of Crim on top of me while Oliver was at my side, sucking on my nipple. I tried to put things together…
“Are they… are they having a foursome in there?” I asked.
Leo laughed, a full, baking sound that filled up the beach.
“No! At least, they weren’t when I left. Come on, Charlie. Mason hates Reese, Reese hates Crim. When I left, they were starting to yell at each other.”
A strange disappointment crashed through me. “Oh.”
“Yeah they were yelling at each other, and then they tried to drag me into it. Saying I wouldn’t even come out of the closet publicly. So I excused myself from that situation, because that… that really gets to me.”
“I understand,” I said, squeezing his hand.
Guilt swelled within me as another montage of flesh swam before my eyes… how good it felt when Crim was inside me and I was inside Oliver, all pulsing together like we were one being. And how I could make it happen again.
My hand in Leo’s right now felt like it was something sweeter than I was prepared for; something more gentle and pure. I wonder how he’d react if he knew that I’d shared a night with Oliver and Crim?
“Leo, there’s something I need to tell you,” I said, squeezing his hand.
“What is it? Don’t tell me you’ve been sleeping with Reese…” he said.
I paused. “What?!”
Leo looked at me, his eyes shining in the moonlight. “I’m just kidding around.”
But the edge to his voice told me that he very much was not kidding around. There was something sharp and dangerous there; a warning.
“No, but it’s related to that,” I continued.
Leo stopped in his tracks.
“It’s about… this,” I said, squeezing his hand. “What is this?”
“This? I like you. It’s that simple. You’re quiet like me, there’s something more to you than all of these famous… these actors, er, no…”
“These starboys,” I finished for him with a smirk.
“Right. Okay, starboys. There’s more to you than the rest of these guys, even Reese,” Leo said, the admission slipping out from his lips and fluttering away in the air.
I thought that he would object to that term, but I guess we were going to roll with it.
“I thought you and Reese were a thing,” I asked, my insides coiling at the thought.
“Well, it’s complicated. Because Mason’s around, and they’re exes and everything.”
“They still care for each other,” I said bluntly.
“They do. And I’m not ready to come out of the closet, and Reese is so high-profile…”
“So you like me because I’m not?” I asked, the unpleasant feeling in my gut transforming into something uglier; more hurtful. “You like me because I’m a nobody?”
“No, Charlie, I didn’t say that—!” he said, his voice filling with an unsteadiness that was unfamiliar to the confident, smooth tones.
I yanked my hand out of his. “You like me because I’m an unknown.”
“No, I like you because you’re not used to fame,” he explained, a pleading bleeding into the edges of his voice.
“That’s the same thing!” I said, standing my ground.
“No Charlie, I mean you’re different from all of the other — er, starboys here. You’re special!”
But it was too late. I was already working myself into a rage. “I’m not one of you. I’m never going to be one of you. You know that I’m different—”
Leo wrapped me into a hug, his strong arms like barrels coiled around me.
It felt good to be in his arms like this, pressed up against his chest, but I wouldn’t let myself relax here. It wasn’t safe.
“You’re different in the best way. You’re not used to fame; you’re real.”
I wiggled free from his grasp. All of the angry feelings and the reservoir of feeling inadequate was boiling, swirling, humming within my veins as a dam broke within me. Then the truth came firing out of my mouth like a weapon. “I slept with
