He struggled to sit up from Odom’s highly uncomfortable lap. Why weren’t any of these noble heroes doing anything?
“Help me up!” Hilario shouted.
Though what he was going to do when he assumed an upright position was questionable.
Odom put his hands in Hilario’s armpits and lifted him with ridiculous ease. The Sapphire Witch and Rachel were struggling to sit up. The bouncing and jouncing and rocking of the van wasn’t helping anyone.
For a microsecond he considered yelling at the screaming banshee driver at the wheel to slow the heckity hacking heck down.
But then he caught a glimpse of the fire snorting juggernauts pounding the rocky ground behind them.
No, slowing down was a bad idea.
Really bad.
Almost as bad as, well, pretty much everything he’d done in his entire life.
Besides, the werbulls seemed to be gaining.
“Faster!” Hilario yelled, “Go faster!”
Rodney jerked his head around again. Just as quickly jerked his face forward. Apparently just a little peek was enough. Larry’s pizza delivery driver’s scream warbled up another octave. His foot pounded the gas pedal even harder.
Somehow, miraculously, the van sped up.
Hilario halfway expected movie style hyperspace star streaks to fill the windshield.
That would have been nice.
Hilario grabbed the back of the passenger seat, levered himself to his feet. Odom released him. The van crunched and bounced over a little hill. For a stomach flipping moment he became weightless. Then cruel gravity reclaimed her hold on them and he came down hard. His knees screamed for mercy.
He couldn’t blame them.
“Hilario!” Rachel shouted. She pointed at the windshield. “We’re almost there!”
He twisted around. Smack in the center of the windshield, coming on fast…the black finger of the Eye of Malachi. As he watched, it pulsed purple. Then bright red shot out from either side. Ran out along the horizon.
And stayed bright.
“Dawn is here!” the Sapphire Witch shouted.
66
It wasn’t as if things could get any worse.
Oh. Wait. Yes they could.
It wasn’t bad enough that Hillario’s van was hurtling toward certain doom with a fear crazed pizza delivery driver at the wheel. Or that they were being chased by four enraged, bus-sized, fire snorting werbulls.
No, those were minor things compared to what lay ahead of them. What they were speeding toward made all that look like fluffy foo foo bunnies.
Rachel pulled herself out of the passenger side footwell into the seat. Her green fire, which she had somehow suppressed while they were trying to (sort of) sneak through the amassed armies of orkes and ogres, flared bright again.
In an eerily calm voice she said: “It’s time.”
Oh dear.
There was an electric, metallic smell in the air. In fact the air around him seemed charged. His fluffy purple wig crackled as he shook his head.
“I don’t know what to do!” he shouted.
Rachel reached around and gripped his wrist. Her skin touched his like an electric jolt. He tried to yank his arm away. But her grip was like iron. Her eyes glowed like bright green lanterns.
“You do know,” she said, “You can do it. We’re here for you.”
Oh, yes, that was very reassuring. Except for the part that he only had the faintest of ideas how they were supposed to do.
They needed a plan…They needed to think things through…They needed to go back…
“Hilario!”
Ha, ha. Just kidding.
He glanced back at his soldiers. Odom gave him a stern nod. The Sapphire Witch, her face still serene, nodded too. Marco gave him a thumbs up. Larry, inside the stinking, bloodstained corpse of Lord Igidbon shrugged. Roger gave him a jagged toothed smile.
The black angel, buzzing in the air behind the driver’s seat, didn’t offer anything.
Just as well.
“On your command, noble clown,” Odom said.
These people were nuts.
But then, who was he to cast rubber chickens?
He pulled some confetti from his sleeve. Tossed it in the air. As it fluttered to the floor, he honked his red clown noses and held out the gold and sapphire amulet to the Sapphire Witch.
“Will it work in reverse?” he asked.
She took it from his sausage fingered hand. “I will make it work,” she said.
She moved toward the back of the van, the amulet clenched in her hand. She moved with surprising grace, given how bad the van was bouncing and shaking.
He pointed to Larry. “Get back up front. Stick your head out the window and get their attention.”
He looked to Marco. Pointed to the bloodwood box. “When I give the word, pull that little jerk out of there.”
To Odom he said: “Get your sword out and be ready to smite.”
To Roger: “You’re going to help me with the heckity hecking bag.
Rachel moved out of the front seat, giving Larry/Igidbon wide berth. There was an imploring look on Larry/Igidbon’s cruel face. She wouldn’t look at him though.
Larry settled into the seat. Rolled down the window with Igidbon’s clumsy corpse hand.
“The louds talkers, bosses,” Roger said.
Hilario fumbled for the bull horn. Pressed it into Larry’s hands. Larry gave him a sorrowful look.
“What do I say?” he said.
“Anything,” Hilario said, “Just get their attention.”
Like getting the attention of a bunch of dark lords engaged in deep spell casting was a good idea. But it wasn’t like he had anything else to go on.
Larry blinked a couple times, then lifted the bullhorn to his mouth and leaned out the window. The air blasting by whipped at Igidbon’s hair.
“Free Pizza!” Larry yelled.
Hilario let out a groan. “Something about the dark lords,” he said, “Say you’re bringing the wrath of a thousand demon warts or something.”
Larry gave him a dead look. “I have no idea what that means,” he said, “You told me to say anything.”
“Just do it!” Hilario shouted, “And say it like you mean it.”
Larry leaned
