“Don’t knows,” the ogre said, “They’s gots a big things goin’ thoughs. Maybes yous mights be alls stucks up in thats?”
The ogre narrowed its beady eyes at him. Scratched at its buttock.
Hilario feigned innocence. Shrugged his shoulders and spread his arms wide.
“What sort of thing do the dark lords have going on?” he said, “Are they working together? Isn’t that rather unusual for them?”
The ogre’s beady eyes narrowed further.
“It be. Strange fors thems its is,” the ogre said, “Theys gots togethers on sumptin’ bigs. Promised golds fors yous. Stranger is, theys wants yous alives.”
Oh, poop rockets.
Alive. The dark lords of the unseen world wanted him alive. There were a lot of possibilities behind that. None of them good. Most of them quite bad in fact.
“Oh, how odd,” Hilario said with a lightness his trembling insides didn’t feel. “Usually they’re good with a head on a pike or tossed into a pit full of wiener dog crabs. Why ever would they want me alive? Maybe they want me for a party they’re throwing? Let me get one of my cards from the van. It has my number and a fee schedule on it. They can call and set up a time. Or something.”
The ogre rolled its beady eyes. Leaned the other direction and scratched its other butt cheek.
“Don’t cares meself,” it said, “Never wus all up in the dark life. If I be you, I’d be runnin’ fast as I coulds somesplace nots heres.”
Which, he had to admit, sounded like an excellent idea. Unfortunately, the place he’d like to run to was the normal world. And it was about to be invaded by the very forces that wanted him.
Alive.
Oh dear. Wanting him alive was much worse than dead. What could the dark lords want of him?
39
The orgre’s name turned about to be Rawgrgondjerponka. Which was quite a mouthful, so he and Hilario agreed to shorten it to just Roger.
Roger the ogre turned out to be something of a kindred spirit. War and killing and senseless destruction really wasn’t his thing. But, of course, being a young ogre he had little choice when he was conscripted into one of the dark lord’s armies.
It was just one of those unseen world sorts of things. Ogres got stuffed into cheap armor. Spears and rusty swords thrust into their hands. And off they went to battle some other dark lord’s army over some nasty piece of ground no one wanted anyway.
Hilario and Roger agreed it seemed to be the dark lords’ way of passing time in an entertaining (for them) manner.
“Oy, nuttin’ evers comes of its,” Roger said.
They sat at the edge of the barge. Hilario upwind from Roger’s rotten cabbage stench. Which was only slightly worse than the sulfurous reek rising from the molten river Phlegethon. The barge hissed over the fiery river, protected by whatever magic protected fancy silver magic barges. Odom the Paladin had called the barge for them. It was piloted by one of the bone folk. Who stood at the back of the barge, shrouded in a tattered black cloak, its skeletal hands on the tiller.
Hilario’s van still sat toward the center of the barge. The argument between Odom and the Sapphire Witch had wound down and now they were back in the van. Which rocked gently as its suspension squeaked out a steady rhythm.
Their love/hate relationship certainly cycled fast.
“War never does seem to solve anything, does it?” Hilario said.
The ogre shrugged. “Wars be wars. Meself, I’d rathers be puttin’ ups a gardens. Grows somes nice vegetables. Sells a bits ats market. Mayhaps finds a wifes and gets a litter of pups. Nice quiets lifes. Rights?”
Hilario nodded. Though the thought of raising a litter of ogre pups didn’t sound peaceful. But, to each their own.
“Hows bouts you, clown?” Roger said, “Whats be the good lifes for yous?”
Hilario glanced back at the rocking van. Larry sat glumly in the passenger seat. Still stuck in the van. Perhaps for all eternity if Hilario couldn’t figure out how to get him out of it.
Something Larry didn’t deserve.
Just like the people in the city didn’t deserve the fate awaiting them if the dark lords of the unseen world broke through into the normal world.
“The good life would be back home,” he said.
How was he going to stop them? His allies were too busy fighting each other. When they weren’t otherwise occupied. And Rachel, who might be a key to stopping the dark lords was most likely dead. Sent to the Ice Realm by the Sapphire Witch.
Whose side was the Sapphire Witch on anyway?
His heart did a quick double beat.
No. It wasn’t possible.
He took a slow glance at Roger the ogre. Who was busy chewing his nails with his razor sharp teeth.
“Roger,” he said, “How was it that your battalion found us? Was it a magic sniffer?”
Roger barked out a harsh laugh. “Magic sniffer? Yous sees ones them wit us?”
Good point. A magic sniffer wasn’t something that would travel with an ogre battalion, flying or not. Most creatures of the unseen world could sense magic in some way or another. Currents of dark and gray energy ran through everything.
But magic sniffers had finely attuned abilities to sense, identify and–most importantly–locate users of magic.
Beings with this ability were quite valuable. When they were discovered, they were usually imprisoned and put to work by the dark lords of the unseen world.
So, no, it was unlikely a rare magic sniffer would have been flying along with a bunch of lowly ogres.
Hilario contemplated the molten river flowing around the barge’s delicately scrolled silver bow.
“Roger,” he said,
