I hurry to get dressed and put on some makeup. I style my trademark lilac hair into loose waves before I can get distracted by more thoughts of the past.
I’m downstairs with plenty of time to spare, waiting with everyone else for our transport to the venue to arrive. I barely listen to one of the staff explaining to us, once again, what to do when we arrive. I’ve memorized the program to make sure I’m not the one standing out because I don’t know what I’m doing.
Luckily, the rest of the athletes don’t care about my personal life. Everyone is here to compete, to make our nation proud by winning.
Looking around me, for the first time a sense of eagerness and pride fills me, pushing the bullshit to the back.
I realize I’m not here for anyone else. I’m here for me. I’m here because I deserve to be.
I don’t need someone else’s approval to appreciate the great accomplishment in front of me.
I smile, and, for the first time since that fateful day in Las Vegas I properly beam as excitement fills me.
I can’t wait to show the world what kind of athlete I am.
***
“Holy shit, that was incredible,” Dakota gushes while flopping down on her bed. I stop in the middle of the room and study my best friend.
Dakota is right, the opening ceremony has been magnificent, marking the official start of the Olympic Games. It’s everything I ever wanted out of my career, competing on the biggest stage there is to prove my worth, and it was just as impressive as it looked in previous years.
Walking through the stadium the opening was held in took my breath away, and I realized I’d done it. I’d achieved the goal I focused on since I was a teenager.
And yet, it feels hollow. This is the biggest achievement of my life, but the gaping hole inside of me, left where my family used to be, keeps reminding me the reason I’ve worked so hard to get here probably doesn’t even care I’ve made it.
All of them are undoubtedly back to regular scheduling now that the crazy city girl has vanished again.
Images keep dancing in front my eyes, blurring the image of Dakota lying on the bed in front of me. Kade writhing on a bed with Amber before it switches to some faceless blonde. Woman after woman, my mind keeps torturing me with images every time I let it wander or close my eyes.
“Mon?” Dakota’s worried voice filters through the painful thoughts. I need to stop the constant self-flagellation. I need to find a way to move on.
“Sorry, my mind wandered. And you’re right, today was incredible. Seeing all the different countries and cultures come together to celebrate the Games was indescribable.”
“It was, wasn’t it? I can’t believe we get to experience all of this firsthand. I’m so excited to go to the dressage competitions. I’ve always wanted to see that in person, but we were always too busy with our own competitions.” Her excitement is palpable, infecting me with her giddiness.
She’s right, I need to enjoy the next two weeks, soak it in, because my life stateside isn’t going to change overnight, and the mess will be the same when I get home.
“You’re right. It’s an incredible experience, and who knows when we’ll be here next. Let’s make the most of it.”
“Yay,” she exclaims, clapping her hands in merriment. “I can’t wait to see everything.”
“Well, I do have to train, and our first horse inspection is in a week. But yes, it will be fun to see some competitions.”
She turns to me, her face growing serious. “Thank you, Montana. I know I’ve said it already, but I appreciate you bringing me. If not for you, I’d be stuck at home watching you be a badass on TV only.”
Love for Dakota swells inside of me. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her as my best friend. I’m not the easiest person to deal with—the drama always seems to follow me, which is something many other people would have already run away from, but not her. “No need to thank me, Kota. I need you here. I don’t think I could do this without you.” I shrug. “I should be thanking you. After all, you gave up two weeks you could have spent with Mav.”
I turn away from her and walk toward my bed, intending to get at least a few hours of sleep. Even though my first competition isn’t until the second week, my schedule is fairly rigid with meetings and training, especially endurance training. I’m not used to the temperatures in the high eighties and low nineties that we’ve been experiencing the last couple of days, and I need to make sure I’m used to the strenuous physical activity of competing here.
“Mon…” When Dakota doesn’t continue, I turn to look at her. She’s still stretched out on her bed, staring at the ceiling and avoiding my eyes. “Do you ever regret not giving Kade or your father a chance to explain?”
The question hits me right in the chest, the shock causing me to collapse onto the bed. I know she doesn’t mean to be malicious or to rip a wound back open that’s barely started to close.
The words hurt because it’s a question I’ve asked myself more than once. Do I regret it? Will I regret my actions in the future? And it hurts to admit that yes, I do. I sometimes regret my strong reaction that day, but the devastation caused by them both with their carelessness isn’t
