I rubbed my eyes, swiped my hand under my nose then got to my feet.
“I love ye, I miss ye . . . and I wish to God that I still had you with me, but ye’ll always be me baby, okay? I’m not givin’ up either . . . I know somethin’ was wrong that night. I don’t know why ye were with Noah or what scared ye both so bad but I’m gonna do me best to find out. I’ll get justice for ye, baby. I swear it.”
Knowing I would never receive an answer, I leaned down and kissed my sister’s name on the plaque and whispered, “I’ll see ye later.”
I walked back down the same pathway that had taken me to my sister’s grave, and I was surprised to find that each step I took didn’t feel like it weighed a thousand pounds. Each one was still heavy, and the weight of my sister’s passing still sat on my shoulders, but coming by and talking to her, being near her physical body, had helped the pain in my chest to not feel so consuming. For the moment, I could breathe a tiny bit easier.
It wasn’t a whole lot, and I didn’t know if it would ever feel much different than it did now, but it was a start.
“Now wait one fucking second.” AJ waved his hand in front of my face as we walked up the stairs of the hospital an hour later. “I’ve been telling you to tend to that monstrosity on your gob for months, and one word from Noah gets the job done?”
I was too impatient to wait for the elevator. I’d been desperate to see Noah since she sent me – and her parents – home last night to sleep, shower and eat. We were under strict instructions that we weren’t allowed to visit her until after ten in the morning every day, and we had to leave by eight in the evening otherwise she’d tell the nurses not to allow us access to her room.
I smiled thinking about it. She was definitely on the mend, and very much acting like the Noah I once knew – giving out orders like a dictator when she could barely stay awake long enough to have a conversation or hold her own head up. Though she was likely to be in the hospital for three or four more weeks, every minute of every day was part of her healing and was pushing her closer to recovery – closer to leaving the hospital altogether and starting a new life. One that I hoped would include me.
“It was a deal we agreed upon,” I said to AJ with a chuckle, rubbing my hand over my freshly groomed beard. “She wanted me to trim it and keep up with the maintenance in order for her to take it easy while recoverin’.”
“Eli.”
I paused mid-stride when AJ suddenly stopped climbing the steps. I looked back at him and raised an eyebrow in question.
“It’s good to hear you laugh and to see you smile, brother.”
I hadn’t realised I’d done either.
“Noah has given me a reason to do both.”
“How are you faring amongst all of this change? Really, man?”
“I visited Bailey this mornin’,” I answered, earning a whopping smile from AJ. “I haven’t been to see her since the funeral, but I went and talked with her for a while. I talked to her about everythin’ I was feelin’ and thinkin’. I felt better after it. I still feel crushed with pain over losin’ her, but I don’t know, breathin’ was a little easier when I left the cemetery.”
I leaned against the stair rail.
“As for Noah, bein’ with her is good for me. When I’m with her . . . I don’t feel trapped like I was before the wreck. I felt like I was stuck in time while life passed me by, and I hated that, man. Everythin’ that happened between me and Noah, it felt like a huge mountain to overcome, but now it feels more like a molehill. It’s taken almost fuckin’ losin’ her to put things into perspective for me. I don’t know if it’s healthy because I should be able to be on me own and not feel so stuck. All I know is she wants me, needs me, next to her, and that’s exactly where I’m gonna be until she says otherwise.”
Christ, I really hoped she’d never say otherwise.
“But, Irish, man. She doesn’t know about anything . . . what if she turns you away again when she eventually finds out or remembers on her own?”
Doubt filled my mind. Like a slithering snake, it coiled around me until I thought I might choke. AJ’s concern was literally my nightmare. I wanted to be there for Noah like she wanted me to, but I couldn’t deny that my stomach was sick with worry that she would suddenly get her memories back and no longer need – or want – me any more. I knew how much it hurt to have her not want me because it had happened once before, and if I was being honest with myself, I didn’t know if I had the strength to pick myself up if it happened a second time.
“I can’t think about anythin’ like that, AJ, I just can’t. I’ll drive meself mad. I just have to take things as they come.”
AJ bobbed his head in understanding. “Just remember that I’m here for you. I know I’m not as pretty as Noah, but mate, you’ll never have to shoulder anything alone while I’m around.”
I gave him a hug, which he returned with a firm pat on my back.
“Thanks, brother.”
We continued up the stairs until we made it to the ICU floor. I felt myself grow nervous as I approached the double doors that led to where
