I rubbed my face with my free hand. “AJ, I don’t want to get married. She does.”
There was a period of prolonged silence as we drank our drinks and concentrated on the half-time analysis of the Man City versus Man United derby.
“Tell her,” AJ said during the next advert. “You have to.”
“I know.” I leaned my head back against the settee. “I’m gonna break her heart.”
“Maybe you won’t. Maybe she’ll understand.”
I shook my head. I knew in my heart that I was going to hurt Noah when I told her of my decision, and hurting her was going to hurt me. She wanted to get married – she’d always said so, but for the past year she’d been more vocal about it.
“I could just do it, y’know?” I thought out loud. “I could just ask her to marry me and get it over with.”
“You could.” AJ nodded. “You could do all of that, but I don’t think it’s going to make your worry go away.”
“Fuckin’ hell,” I groaned. “Maybe I’m just thinkin’ crazy because of me parents?”
“We’ve never talked about either of us getting married, but were you open to it before?”
“Well, yeah. I figured that at some point I’d get married, I just never put a massive amount of thought into it like I am right now. Noah’s pressure on me over the last few months about marriage has been a bit of a strain, and now with me parents’ divorce . . . it just feels like something I don’t want to do right now.”
“Right now,” AJ said. “Meaning it might be something you want in the future?”
“I don’t know, man. Maybe.”
“You’re twenty-five – you don’t have to get married right this second. Taking a step back to figure your head out is perfectly okay. Being married doesn’t change how much you love Noah, man.”
I felt my entire body deflate with his words.
“Right.” I bobbed my head in agreement. “I love Noah to pieces, she’s the only one I want . . . but I want things to be like they are now. We don’t need to get married.”
“You should talk to her about it. Don’t shut the idea of marriage down completely because, like you said, you don’t know if it’s something you might want in the future. Explain it’s something you don’t want right now, tell her what’s going on inside your head.”
I exhaled.
“The thought of it is just too much right now. Whenever I think of it, I feel like me head is being held underwater. It makes me feel sick.”
I’d wanted a love like my parents had, and I’d thought I had that with Noah, but their love was over and so was their marriage. It probably sounded stupid, but I believed that if I married Noah, it’d jinx what we had together. I was terrified that I’d grow to resent her or she would realise I wasn’t husband material, and everything would just fall apart around me. Just like it had for my parents. I couldn’t risk it . . . I just couldn’t.
“I have to say, Elliot, I never thought imagining me as your wife would make you feel sick.”
I froze as her voice drifted into the room like an icy breeze. Dread washed over me as I quickly replayed everything AJ and I had just spoken about, and my hands clenched into fists.
AJ looked over his shoulder and his eyes widened.
“Ah, bollocks. Noah, he didn’t mean any of it, he’s just under stress—”
“Please, AJ.” She cut him off shakily. “Don’t make excuses for him.”
No. No. No. No.
This wasn’t how I was supposed to tell her. I jumped to my feet, turned to face her and my stomach lurched when I saw her red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. She’d heard everything I said. Everything. She wouldn’t have been crying otherwise.
“Noah.” I looked at her as helplessness filled me. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry—”
“AJ,” she said, offering our friend a small, sad smile. “Can you give us a minute?”
“Sure, Nono.” He seemed to tighten his hold on his can. He glanced my way then left the room, kissing the crown of Noah’s head as he passed her by. I heard the kitchen door close moments later, and I suddenly felt trapped as my girlfriend – the love of my life – stared at me with those green eyes I loved; but for once, they seemed to look right through me.
“Please,” I gulped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to hear any of that . . . I thought ye were at work.”
“I got off early,” she answered robotically, her stance shifting. “You didn’t say you’re sorry you said it, or that you didn’t mean to say it. You’re just sorry because you didn’t mean for me to hear it.”
I had never seen that expression of hurt on Noah’s face before, and it prompted me to move to within touching distance of her. But she held up her hand and brought me to a halt right in front of her. I didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want me to touch her and that was all I wanted to do.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop fucking saying that!”
I wasn’t surprised by her shout – she was upset, but she was becoming angry too. That was Noah’s way. She was always upset before she ever got truly angry.
“I can’t believe this,” she said to herself. “I can’t fucking believe this.”
I stared at her like a bloody eejit. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, so I stood there, unmoving, feeling like a clown, as she broke down in front of me.
“Sasanach—”
“Don’t,” she suddenly screamed, and this time I jumped. “Don’t ever call me that again. Ever.”
My lips parted as shock rippled through me at her declaration. I had always called her sasanach as an endearment and she loved it. For her to tell me never to call her it again made fear crawl down the
