“How can you look at me?” I screamed at him, at his parents. “How can any of you look at me? I killed her. If she wasn’t with me, she’d be here and not down there! It’s my fault. I killed Bailey!”
“No!” Elliot bellowed. “It’s not. None of this is your fault.”
“How do you know?” I cried. “You can’t answer because you don’t know, Elliot.”
“I know here.” He smacked his hand on his chest. “Me heart tells me it’s not your fault.”
I lifted a shaking hand to my throbbing head as I began to break everything down.
“This is why Doctor Abara never told me about the accident, why he said it wasn’t his place . . . he knew Bailey was . . . he knew she was . . .”
I couldn’t even say the word.
“Yes,” Elliot answered, taking a small step towards me. “Doctor Abara had been monitoring ye for a while. How ye reacted to things ye couldn’t remember was so dangerous, Noah. He feared ye’d have an aneurysm and die. He decided it was best to keep ye in the dark as much as possible . . . we all agreed with him.”
“Ye should’ve told me,” I said, looking back at Bailey’s cross. “I should’ve known so I could . . . so I could . . .”
“Ye were so vulnerable when ye woke up, honey,” Mrs McKenna said. “It’s why we never visited – we both knew we couldn’t look at you, or talk to ye, without breakin’ down. Elliot is stronger than us . . . he never left your side.”
I looked back at them, and Elliot must have seen something in my face, or in my eyes, because he was in my space in seconds.
“No,” he said gruffly. “You’re not leaving me.”
I banged my fists against his broad chest.
“I’ve been angry with her for not calling me! I’ve been angry with her and she’s been dead!”
Elliot allowed my assault on his chest to continue uninterrupted.
“My Bailey,” I choked. “She died next to me and I didn’t even know!”
I pushed away from Elliot and placed my hands on the back of my head.
“This can’t be real.”
“It is real,” Elliot said. “We’re livin’ in a nightmare, Noah. All of us.”
I looked back to the pile of dirt and my heart pinched.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Bailey. Please, please forgive me.”
I turned from her grave and looked for my crutches. I stumbled over to them and picked them up. Mrs McKenna approached me, holding out a phone in her hand. My phone, the one I’d dropped. I took it from her and placed it in my bag blindly.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Stop.” She shook her head, her eyes red-rimmed and swollen. “Sweetie, we could easily be standing here next to you and Bailey both being under this ground. None of this is your fault . . . don’t apologise for livin’.”
I wasn’t apologising for surviving; I was apologising that I somehow caused Bailey’s death. I didn’t care what Elliot said, I could feel it deep inside my chest that this was down to me. I just didn’t know why or how, but I planned to find out.
“I need to go,” I said, leaning on my crutches. “I need to find out what happened. I need to speak to Anderson.”
Elliot was in front of me in seconds.
“Don’t go to him,” he said, trembling. “Noah, don’t.”
“Maybe he knows why I was with Bailey that night.” I wiped my face. “I lived with him. Maybe he knows why I was with her when I’d ignored her for so many years.”
“He doesn’t know anythin’ though! The police already questioned him about that night, but he said he didn’t even know that ye left your flat.”
Elliot was breathing heavily.
“I have to find out for myself,” I said, peering up at him, hoping he understood. “I have to hear it from him, Elliot. This guilt will eat me alive unless I know what happened.”
“What if he doesn’t know?” he demanded roughly. “What if he doesn’t and ye never know?”
The thought of it made my knees week.
“Don’t say that.” I was shaking. “How can I go on knowing she died because of me?”
“You didn’t cause this!” he shouted. “There was a blackout, she was driving fast and there was black ice—”
“I heard the voicemail,” I interrupted. “Something scared us both. She was driving fast for a reason. If Anderson has an idea, it’ll help.”
“Help how?” He blinked. “Bailey is dead. Nothin’ can bring her back.”
I gripped the handles of my crutches.
“It’ll help me,” I said, my tone hushed. “Elliot, if I don’t find out something, I’ll die inside. I love that girl with my whole heart . . . I’ll be broken if I never know, so please don’t stop me.”
“I’m askin’ ye not to go to that man, Noah. You’re mine.”
I couldn’t believe he wanted me still; the possibility that I caused his sister’s death had to be lingering in his subconscious somewhere. How could he still want me? Still love me?
“I’m not going to Anderson because I want him.” I searched his eyes. “You know I’m yours. You know I am, paddy. I’ll always be yours, as long as you’ll have me.”
The muscles in Elliot’s jaw tightened. He was struggling with what I wanted to do.
“Look at me,” I said softly. “Please.”
His eyes moved to mine and I saw fear in them, and my heart thumped with pain. He thought he was going to lose me to Anderson again. I didn’t need him to confirm it, it was as plain as day in his ocean blues.
“I love you,” I told him. “I love you so much that it scares me, Elliot.”
He lowered his head to mine as I heard the soft cries of
