On the way up the elevator, Aunt Shirley could see the trepidation on her niece’s face...and Jason’s.
“Why don’t I take Angel to my room while you two unpack and get settled?”
Vicky was about to say that was okay until her stomach started to feel queasy. She was going to be sick and didn’t want Angel to be around for that.
The elevator opened and Angel waved to Jason and Vicky as she and Aunt Shirley went to their room. In her sweet voice, Angel called out to her parents, “Bye…see you soon.”
Vicky’s was surprised she could make any sound, “See you soon sweetheart.”
Standing in front of their door, Jason took a deep breath before opening it. Vicky ran past him and straight into the bathroom.
She barely made it before empting all of the contents of her stomach. Jason stood outside the door unable to do anything to help her. He wanted to offer comfort but couldn’t. He was so overcome with his own emotion that he thought he would strangle from it.
Vicky was kneeling on the floor hugging the porcelain commode. Her vision blurred as the tears spilled from her. She couldn’t hold back the pain any longer. Her cry started out low and muted but developed into great heaving sobs.
Jason didn’t think it was possible for his heart to break any more but hearing Vicky’s anguish shattered him even more. Somehow he managed to walk over and kneel down next to her. He pulled her into his arms. She looked up at him with a seemingly endless flow of tears running down her face.
Her sobs were so heavy he couldn’t make out whatever it was she was trying to say. He just rocked her back and forth as he let his own tears fall silently down his face.
“Shhh…it’s okay…it’s okay.”
“I’m…so…sorry…Jason. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to lose him. I know everything is all my fault and if I could, I would do so many things differently.”
Jason forced Vicky to look at him. Even with a red nose and a blotchy face she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen because her beauty showed from the inside out. He didn’t know what he did in life to deserve her.
“You think I need to forgive you? Baby…there’s nothing to forgive you for.”
Through tears and with a thick voice, Vicky shook her head. “We have to start being honest with each other Jason. I know you blame me. I see it all over your face. Every time I’ve tried to talk to you or touch you, you pull away.”
Jason wiped the tears from her face as his continued to flow. “That was because my own guilt was eating me alive.” He enunciated every word, “I’ve never blamed you. All this time, I thought you thought it was my fault for not being there when you needed me the most. I couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in your eyes. I will never forgive myself for not being here.”
“How could you think I would blame you? It wasn’t your fault!”
“Vicky…even if you didn’t blame me, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself?”
This time it was Vicky who tried to wipe the tears away from him. She stood up on her knees and cradled his head in her hands so that he could see the truth in her words, “I never blamed you for even one second. What you saw in my eyes was hurt, pain, and shame.”
Jason looked incredulous, “Shame? About what?”
“Every since Angel and I came into your life, it’s been one thing after another. All the horrible things people have said and written about me…even though they weren’t true was hurtful and embarrassing to me. I know it had to be to you and will be to Angel once she’s old enough to understand.” Vicky sighed. “Maybe Bridget would have been a better partner for you. You guys come from the same world. I’m still learning how to navigate all of this. I don’t know if I ever will and she certainly doesn’t seem to come with half as much baggage.”
Jason smoothed Vicky’s hair off of her face. “The problem with that is I don’t love her. I love you. I’ve loved you probably since the moment I saw you in that elevator.”
He held her hands tightly and looked deeply into her eyes, “I was wrong to use Bridget to try and escape my pain and frustrations. But, I promise you I never even thought of being with her in a romantic way.”
“Are you sure you don’t have some leftover feelings?”
“None.”
“I’m going to believe you because I want to so badly. But, Jay, if we have even half of shot of making our marriage work we’ve got to be honest with each other. We can’t check out for even a minute. We’ve got to talk to each other no matter how difficult the conversations might be. We’ve spent months hurting each other over feelings that it seems like neither you nor I had.”
“I promise you that my heart belongs only to you and that somehow no matter what’s going on, to try to figure out a way to communicate it with you.”
“I’m your wife and I love you. I also want to be your partner. You can’t put everything on your shoulders. My shoulders might not be as large as yours but it can share some of the burden. You can’t fix everything and as much as you want to protect us…you can’t protect us from everything.”
“I just don’t want you to have to worry about anything. I
