He didn’t freak out. All he could do was collapse on top of her. Gently, Ellis kissed her on the lips. Haven was probably on the pill, but Ellis should have asked. It was too late now. Unfortunately, he could only deal with one crisis at a time. And, right now, that was getting through the death of his grandmother without losing his mind.
Haven snuggled up next to Ellis as she lay in the crook of his arms. It didn’t take long before she started to drift off to sleep. Contentedly, she sighed and whispered into the darkness, “I’m falling in love with you.”
He froze. “W-what?”
Haven didn’t respond.
Ellis looked down into her face. She didn’t say anything because she was asleep.
*****
Hours later, sleep wouldn’t find him. His body may have been satisfied, but his soul was restless. Ellis glanced down at a sleeping Haven and ran his hands down her naked body. She looked peaceful.
He watched her sleep for most of the night. She was falling in love with him? That was crazy, absurd even. He didn’t even do girlfriends. How the hell was he going to do love?
Love was too painful. Needing to calm his mind, Ellis got up and dressed then stepped out onto the balcony.
Haven awakened to an empty bed. She sat up pulling the sheets with her to cover her naked body. She looked around the room to see Ellis was almost fully dressed standing outside.
It was cold. Still, Haven got out of the bed keeping the sheet wrapped around her and went out onto the balcony too.
Ellis heard her the moment she started to slide the door back. Barefoot, Haven walked up to him and pressed her cheek against his back while wrapping her arms around his waist. “Hey.”
His tone was still somber. “Hey.”
She hugged him tighter. “Did you get any sleep?”
“Not much.” Ellis continued to look out into the distance.
“It may not seem like it now, but, each day you open your eyes, you’ll survive.”
They stood silently for a few more moments.
Ellis blew out an exhausted sounding breath. “We should probably get going.”
Something in his tone made Haven stiffen.
“Okay. Whatever you want to do.”
“Haven, thank you for last night.”
She prayed it meant something to him other than just sex. Haven kissed his back and decided to take the biggest risk of her life. “You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to be here for you because . . . I . . . I love you.” Her arms loosened.
Ellis squeezed his eyes shut. “Damn, Haven. Don’t do this.” He finally turned so that she could see his eyes.
“Don’t do what? Tell you how I feel? I’m not afraid of us—anymore.”
“My grandmother hasn’t even been in the ground for a week. I still have shit to tie up regarding her estate. I’m not sure if I can handle anything else.”
“I’m not asking for anything. I just want you to let me be here for you.”
“The reading of the will is going to take a few days.” He paused. “After that, I’m leaving for a while.”
Haven backed away slightly. “For how long?”
“I can’t say. All I know is my head is messed up, but there are certain things I’m sure of. I’m sure I’ll never be ready to be a husband. I know that. As much as I care for you, I can’t give you what I know you want and need.”
Ellis completely shredded the remaining bit of her hope and her heart. “Care for me?”
Ellis couldn’t look at her. “I’m not capable of anything more than that. I’m not sure I ever will be.” The wind almost carried the sound of his voice away.
She had taken a gamble and lost. He didn’t love her. Haven couldn’t be angry because Ellis had always told her the truth. She had given him everything, and it wasn’t enough.
For a while, they just both stood there. The wind whipped her hair into her face, and she pushed it behind her ears. Haven knew she should be freezing, but she was so numb she didn’t feel anything. Ellis was grieving, she knew that, and he was pushing her away. Maybe this is what Dylan meant when he said she was so deep in her grief that he couldn’t reach her. She couldn’t reach Ellis.
Finally, Haven was able to find her voice. She reached out and caressed the side of his face. Her voice was soft. “I’m sorry too.”
She turned around and went back inside. It didn’t take long for her to get dressed. Moments later, Haven left with her heart in her hands.
Ellis watched her go, knowing that, over time, she would realize he’d done her the biggest favor. He’d lied and told her that he didn’t love her when, for the first time in his life, he’d known he was in love. But, love didn’t last. It only served to choke those who remained behind to deal with their loss.
It was better this way.
Ellis made a promise to his grandmother that he would honor. Even if he couldn’t be in Haven’s life romantically, he would always watch over her and make sure she was taken care of. He owed her that much.
