“No one knows this, but as a teenager and into my twenties when I lived at home, I would go downstairs and make sure there was still food at night. If anyone caught me, I’d pretend like I was thirsty or hungry so none of my family would think I’m crazy. My bank account? I’m so frugal I keep enough living expenses for a year in there, even though I know I have family and friends who would make sure I never want for anything.”
“Does anyone know this?”
“No.” I shake my head, feeling shame. This is just one more thing I’ve felt like I had to do to keep myself safe and taken care of. “The account is in my name only because I’m always worried something will happen between me and my husband, and I’ll be left with nothing.”
“Keep going, Mandy. You’re almost there. Why?”
“I’m scared to death he’s going to leave me alone the way my biological father left us alone. If I wasn’t good enough for him, how can I make anyone else happy?”
As I finally push the words from my throat, I’m almost hyperventilating, crying with the last of the sentence, and holding myself tightly around the middle. If I let go, I’m sure I’ll fall apart into a million pieces and there won’t be anyone there to help put me back together.
“That’s it, Mandy. That’s it.”
I collapse against the back of the chair, feeling as if I’ve run a marathon. I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but I realize this is part of coming to terms with your mental health. My nerves are shot as I let myself cry it out, wishing there weren’t so many people around. Fair’s fair though, I’ve watched them cry and now it’s their turn to watch me.
“We’ll come back to it tomorrow, Mandy.” The leader smiles at me. “Go get something to drink.”
I nod, eager to get up from the chair and away from everyone I just bared my soul to. Slowly, I walk to the back of the room where there’s a water dispenser with paper cups. My hand shakes as I grab the cup and fill it up. My throat is dry and my cheeks are wet.
I’m a fucking mess if there ever was one.
But I can breathe. Finally I can breathe. I don’t have this heavy brick on my chest anymore. I pushed past something here today. What? I’m not sure, but I know in the next couple of weeks it’ll be exposed as I work on the things hidden even deeper.
Thirsty, I drink the cup until there’s nothing left, then reach down, filling it up again. Once I drain it for a second time, I turn around, seeing that the group is putting their chairs back up and we’re being dismissed.
The leader, I think her name is Monica, comes up to me. “Mandy, you did really good today, I’m sorry if I pushed you. I’m extremely excited about the head-way we made though.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I need to be pushed. Things aren’t always going to be easy, and sometimes I don’t realize how much I hide.”
It’s in this moment, I realize I hide almost everything.
My feelings.
My voice.
My heart.
My love.
All of it is hidden because I’m so fucking scared of giving it to someone who will turn it around and use it on me. God, I’m not even sure how I’ve managed to be married as long as I have. It makes me wonder how many times Dalton’s wanted to talk to me about something and I’ve managed to turn the conversation around so that we didn’t have to delve into the important stuff.
Because I couldn’t deal with it.
I’m beginning to realize I never asked him what he could or couldn’t deal with.
“Self-preservation can, at times, turn into something much more. It’s important we keep track of what’s happening, and if no one knew how much you weren’t sharing, then no one knew how isolated you were becoming.”
Or rather they knew, but I rejected them every time they wanted to talk to me.
“I’ve got a lot to work through.”
She smiles. “No more than the other people in this group. It’s important you understand that. You’re no better or worse than everyone else. Don’t spend your time here trying to apologize. Apologize once to the people who need it, then move on.”
There are so many who deserve an apology. Starting with my son and husband. How has Dalton dealt with me for so long?
“Don’t start it.” She shakes her finger in front of my face. “I can see you starting to feel like you’re less. People put up with you because they love you. They want to be around you, and you make their lives worth living. We overlook a lot of shit for the people we love, remember that.”
I grin slightly, thinking of all the stuff I’ve overlooked about Heaven Hill for so many years. “You’re right. Is it possible to even separate them?”
“Yes, you can love the person and not love what they do or how they express themselves. Love isn’t an all or nothing emotion, Mandy. That’s what you’re going to learn. Once you understand the motivations behind why you’ve been doing what you’re doing, and how to accept it, you’re going to learn to love.”
I thought I knew love, but I’ve been wrong before. For so long I’ve been living in a reality of hurt. Maybe she’s right; maybe I do need to learn to love again.
It makes sense I start by learning to love myself.
Chapter Six
Dalton
“Are you sure?” I question both Wild and Addie, cocking my head to the side. “He should be asleep the rest of the night. The medicine they gave him really knocks him out, and he hasn’t had a fever in almost forty-eight hours. I don’t think he’s contagious anymore.”
“Dalton.” Addie
