What I need to do and what I want to do are two totally different things. I need to take my shift at Wet Wanda’s, but I’d much rather stay here, at the clubhouse with my son.
Since Mandy left, we’ve been staying in my dorm.
Partly because I can’t stand to be in the house without her.
Partly because I need help, and it’s easier to get it when you’re around everyone at the same time.
“If you need anything, give me a call, I’ll have my cell on.”
Wild clears his throat. “Like I said, we can definitely use the practice.”
My whole body softens as I look down at Addie. I can remember her being a toddler, Drew and I going out to Tyler’s house prepared to act like men to save her, Meredith, Tatum, and Mandy when they were threatened by Addie’s biological aunt. I’ve watched this kid grow up, and it makes me emotional that she’s about to be a mother.
“Congratulations.” I wrap my arm around her neck, kissing her on the cheek. “I know you’ll be an amazing mother.”
She nods, holding a stomach that’s non-existent right now. “I had very good role models. Mom, always being there for me, and Mandy always watching me when no one else could.”
Hearing her say Mandy’s name hits me in the heart. I wish she were here right now, and I’m struggling with the fact she isn’t. “That’s nice of you to say.”
“It’s the truth. Just because she’s gone to get help for herself doesn’t mean she’s not an amazing mother. I think she’s even more amazing because she decided to get help.”
“Me too.” I smile. “But I know some people don’t think that way.”
“Other people can go to hell.”
There’s that fiery girl I’ve always known. She’s a Blackfoot through and through, even if she’s married now. “Love you, Addie. Don’t let him con you into ice cream if he does wake up for some reason. We found out he’s lactose intolerant and he ate the last of the good stuff last night. He’ll be hurting for sure if he eats what’s in there now. I’m gonna run by Walmart on my way home.”
“Love you too.” She hugs me tightly. “Be safe. Wild and I will handle everything here.”
Glancing into the adjoined room to mine, I can see Walker still asleep. He’s done a lot of it since we came home from the doctor. He obviously needs it, but a part of me worries he’s sleeping for an entirely different reason. Could he be dealing with some depression too?
“I’m out.”
The weight of the world is on my shoulders as I leave the clubhouse. It’s shut down for the night. Most people are at home, or they’re retiring to their own dorm rooms. I hitch a chin at Caelin, who sits in the new communications office.
“I’m leaving. Be sure to let any calls come through from Wild or Addie. They’re taking care of Walker for me.”
“Will do, be safe out there tonight.”
“Thanks.”
Shuffling out to the garages, I shoulder into my leather jacket, zipping it up tight against the chill. Hopefully we’re in for an early spring. We fucking need it. Sunshine, the pool, and my family. That’s what I’m looking forward to. Reaching into my pocket has become a habit, which is why I find my pack of cigarettes empty.
Guess I’ll be making a slight pit stop.
Firing up the engine, I rev it, probably longer and louder than is needed, but fuck me if I need something to shut out the voices in my head. The garage door opens when I press the button. I lift up the kickstand and put the bike in motion fast enough to spit gravel from the back tires.
It’s pitch black and dangerous. No matter how badly I want to feel the adrenaline, it’s not smart for me to do so. As I round the curve away from the clubhouse, I settle down into my seat and bring the bike down to the speed limit. The last thing I need is my brains scattered on this back country road.
Riding used to be my relief from everything, but now it’s just a time for my mind to work overtime. I go through every single interaction Mandy and I have ever had, wondering if there’s something I could have done. Maybe something I could have spotted before it got too dangerous, but try as I might, I can’t find fault in anything I did.
A voice screams loudly, that’s the problem. I never find fault with myself.
But it’s not true, I find plenty of fault with the shit I’ve done. Just not where she’s concerned lately.
The lights of Bowling Green can be seen as I come down Porter Pike and turn onto Duntov Way. The concrete is creeping farther and farther out. Progress and change, they’re supposed to be good. That’s what they all say, anyway. But there’s an underbelly to progression - a haze to change. It all has to come from somewhere, but no one ever wants to know the price we pay for it.
Parking my bike at the gas station across from Wet Wanda’s, I take my helmet off, flip up my collar to ward off the wind, and then hurry inside. It’s quiet in here, almost too quiet.
“What’s up, Robbie?” I wave at the night clerk.
She used to be a dancer at Wet Wanda’s but found her way out of the business. I stalk to the cooler, grabbing an energy drink. When I look back at her, I realize she didn’t wave, which she always does. She didn’t ask about Mandy, didn’t inquire about how Walker’s feeling.
Immediately I’m on edge. Our eyes meet and I see the absolute fear in hers. Glancing up, I squint to focus on the mirror behind the counter. There’s a man, dressed in all black, and he’s got a knife in his hands. Now I’m fucking pissed. You
