“Yes, you should go. You know Doc Jones, and she’d love to see you.”
“You mean she’d love to know what’s going on in my head,” I mumble.
“Sometimes we need to tell other people what’s going on in our heads.”
“Mom didn’t,” I argue.
Dad stops at a red light and looks over at me. “And you know where she is right now.”
That’s not fair, I want to shout, but part of me knows he’s right. Instead I curl up on the passenger side of the truck, hoping to make myself small and invisible. Maybe if I do, he’ll ignore me, just like she did for so long.
We don’t talk anymore. I’m assuming he’s taking me to the home Doc Jones has been in since she broke her hip, and that’s confirmed when we pull into the parking lot.
“I don’t want to go in there.” I try again.
“Walker, we don’t always get what we want.”
“Obviously.”
“Hey!” He reaches out, grabbing me by the arm, pulling me so he can bend down and be on eye-level with me. “I know things have been tough for you. They’ve been tough for all of us, but this attitude is doing nothing for you or me. Talk it out, and get it gone tonight.”
“That’s easy for you to say.” I grit my teeth as I seethe, looking at him. “You weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like.”
“That’s why we’re doing this.”
He pushes me into the building, heading for the elevators. Once we get in, I stand as far across from him as I can. It’s childish, I know, but I don’t want to give him the benefit of being right.
“You can be pissed off at me all you want,” he says as we get closer to our floor. “But you’ll treat Doc Jones with the respect she deserves. You got that?”
I nod.
“Answer me.”
“Yes, sir.”
I ground my back teeth together, irritated he’s acting like a father now, not when I needed him to. The elevator dings, and he motions for me to get off in front of him. As we walk to Doc Jones’ room, I drag my feet.
I’m gonna hate this.
The three of us have been staring at each other for almost an hour. I was hoping if I refused to speak they’d let me go. Doesn’t look like that option is on the table right now.
Doc Jones finally decides to say something. “Walker, why don’t you tell me why you’re so angry?”
“I’m not angry,” I retort, even though my hands are fisted where they rest in my lap.
“Everything about you reads angry, Walker. Do you want your dad to leave? That way just the two of us can talk, or do you want to let it all out with him here? I can promise you there’ll be no repercussions. What’s said here will be done once you leave that door.” She points to the entrance of her room. “Now why are you so angry?”
My mouth has a mind of its own as it opens and things start spilling out. “I don’t know why he’s decided to act like a father now, instead of when I needed him before. I was with Mom because I didn’t want her to die alone.” My voice starts to break in and out. “I was so scared she’d do something to herself while I was at school, and it would’ve been my fault.”
“None of this is your fault,” my dad’s deep voice says from where he sits over to the side. “God.” He sounds wrecked. “This shit just doesn’t end, Doc. When does everybody stop hurting?”
She looks at me, then at him. “When we stop lying to ourselves, when we face the issues head on, only then can we start to heal. So Walker, tell your dad everything you want to tell him. Hold nothing back, and don’t worry about his feelings. This is about you.”
I close my eyes, knowing this will be hard. But unlike all the other times when people asked me what was happening and I refused to talk. – This time I talk
I don’t stop talking until my throat is raw, I’m crying, and I can’t speak anymore. Glancing out the window, I see that it’s dark. How long have we been here?
“Is that everything you’ve got, Walker?” she asks softly.
Exhausted I nod.
“Good, now we can work on it. For however long it takes. You and I, we have a standing meeting here every Friday. Sound good?”
“Yeah,” I manage to speak through my tight throat and dry lips.
“Dalton, I want him here. He needs it, and I think it needs to be without you or Mandy, at least for now.”
“Whatever it’s going to take, we’ll do it.”
We get up slowly, walking out like we’ve fought the biggest fight of our lives, but before we get to the elevators, Dad reaches in, turning me around, and hugs me tightly.
“I love you, Walker, and I’m sorry.”
“I know, and I love you too.”
Now, now I finally feel like I can forgive.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dalton
Somehow I’m more nervous as I pull up to Magnolia Behavioral Health than I was last time. Before, it was just about seeing Mandy, making sure she was doing okay.
This visit?
It’s about confronting demons.
Mine and hers.
Walking in is a blur, although I’m sure I do the same song and dance I did before.
“Mr. Barnett, we’ll be going right this way.”
I follow the woman in front of me, almost telling her Mr. Barnett is my father. I’m not used to so much formality. We walk down blank corridors. No pictures grace these walls.
There’s no fake-ass family portrait of smiling people who have no clue who the other person is. There aren’t cookie-cutter couples pretending to be so in love it’s sickening.
These are bare; much like my emotions have been for the past few months. It’s a way to survive, but it’s also a way to kill yourself slowly.
It happens little by little.
Until you realize there’s
