“Don’t do anything that’s going to set you back, Mandy. You give apologies where you think they’re due, but you don’t want to sacrifice yourself to make others happy.”
“Doesn’t that make me selfish? That’s what I’m trying not to do. I’ve been so selfish throughout this whole time.” I clasp my hands together and do my best not to crack my knuckles. It’s a sign that I’m fixing to check out. I don’t want to check out, I want to be present for it all. They deserve it, and so do I.
“Self-care isn’t selfish, Mandy. Everyone is not going to be perfect one hundred percent of the time, and in this day and age, we have to take care of ourselves. No one else will. Repeat after me. Making sure you’re mentally okay isn’t a flaw.”
“Making sure that I’m mentally okay isn’t a flaw,” I repeat what she’s said.
“I know it’s hard. As a woman you’re expected to make sure everyone is taken care of and everything runs smoothly, but you only have to do what you’re comfortable with. Don’t let others’ expectations push you into something you don’t want to do, whether they’re real or perceived. This will be the hardest obstacle to overcome.”
Already it’s giving me anxiety, but that’s what my breathing exercises and the medication they have me on is for. Instead of feeling overwhelmed like I would have months ago, it’s a low-level hum in the background. Obviously something for me to be cognizant of, but nothing for me to let overtake my life.
“You’re right.” I nod, already feeling stronger. “Thank you for all your help these past few months. I don’t know where I would be without you.”
“In a very dark place,” she reminds me. “But honestly, you’ve done all the work, Mandy. You should be proud of yourself.”
I can’t recall a time when I’ve ever been truly proud of myself, but right now I am. So many times I wanted to stop, to call Dalton or dad and tell them to come and get me, but I haven’t. I’ve done this not only for myself, but for my family too.
“I am.” I grin at her.
The alarm on her desk goes off, she stands, smiling down at me. “That’s the end of your session. It’s time for you to go pack up your room and wait for your husband. Remember, if you ever need another session with him, or anyone else, my door is always open, my phone is always on.”
Getting up, I walk over open my arms and give her the biggest hug I’ve probably given anyone in my life. “Thank you for all your help,” I whisper as she hugs me back. “I definitely feel l like an entirely different person than the one who walked in here.”
“You are.” She rubs my back. “It’s apparent in your face, your eyes, and the way you carry yourself. You’re strong and you’re armed with the right tools to let yourself overcome anything now. You’ve got this, Mandy.”
“But what if I don’t?”
“Stop doubting yourself,” she chastises. “But if you don’t, you come back here for a refresher. It’s not the end of the world, but I have no concerns about you.”
Knowing someone trusts me and has my back is the most freeing feeling I’ve had in years. It’s not that I worry my family doesn’t trust me, but I’ve really shit on that trust. Especially with my husband and son.
This is a fresh start for all of us, and I’m anxious for it to start. To prove to them I’m a different person than the one who walked through the doors of this facility. I wave goodbye to Dr. Crawford and slowly walk to my room.
When I get to the doorway, I look around.
There’s not much here, but it’s been my home and refuge for the last couple of months as I’ve gotten everything situated within my head. I’m going to miss it. It’s no frills, simple-living at its best. Maybe that’s what I needed, and maybe I’ll gravitate toward that the rest of my life.
But first I have to pack my things up and get out of here.
Integrate back into the life I left behind.
I sound like a prisoner returning to their family, but in a way I was. A prisoner to my own mind and the depressive thoughts that swirled around. Now I’m free to allow all the good stuff in, things the bad thoughts pushed out and held down.
Slowly I walk across the floor, to the dresser, grinning up at the letters I’ve gotten from Dalton and Walker. Carefully, I take them down from the mirror, folding them up to store them away.
Right here and now I decide I’ll be putting them in a place of prominence when I get home. No longer can my feelings nor that of my boys be hidden away.
The truth, even if it’s ugly, is the way we’re going to live our lives from now on. There’s beauty in pain, and if I can come to that realization, anyone can.
As I’m packing, the other members I’ve been in groups with come by and say goodbye. I didn’t really make friends, but that’s not what this process is about. The process was more about me learning to be comfortable with myself, and thank God I passed it with flying colors.
There’s a light knock at my door, and when I glance up, I see Dakota standing there.
“I wanted to say goodbye.” He stumbles slightly over his words. “I know I’m still pretty new here, but it seemed like the right thing to do.”
He reminds me so much of Dalton when I first met him.
“Thanks.” I sit down on the bed, facing where he’s standing. “So I don’t
