He had driven us, and after I’d been in the bathroom for more than ten minutes, he came looking for me. I was still trying to pull myself together. Even with washing my face, there was no denying I had some sort of breakdown.
“You didn’t, man. I’m so excited for you and Addie. This is just my shit. Shit I need to get over.”
“Man, I don’t know that I’d ever get over what you’ve had to live through. I think you need to give yourself more credit than you have. Life sucks, especially when you’ve had everything you’ve ever wanted and it gets ripped from your hands.”
Or from Mandy’s belly.
There’s nothing else for me to say, so I settle on nodding. As soon as I put my boot on the asphalt, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Not my burner cell, but my personal cell. Immediately my anxiety shoots sky high, worried to death it’s something about Mandy.
Instead my shaking hands reveal Walker’s school calling. Sliding my thumb across the bottom to answer it, I hold it between my ear and my shoulder.
“Hello?”
“Hi, are you Walker Barnett’s dad?”
“Yeah, is he okay?”
My brain is already making up reasons for his school to call. Reasons that can’t be explained away easily. Is this what my life’s going to be like from now on?
“He’s sick,” the lady on the other end says. “He’s got a fever of one hundred and two point five. Someone will need to come and get him. We tried to call Mandy, but her phone was off.”
A sigh rips its way from my chest. I wish all that was wrong with her is a phone turned to the off position.
“I work about five minutes from the school, I’ll be there in ten. Do I need to take him to his pediatrician?”
This is something I would normally ask Mandy. Better yet, she would have fucking just taken care of it. I’m starting to see how much she did for our little family with little to no praise from me.
“I’m not the nurse,” she says. “But I can have you talk to her when you get here.”
“Thank you, I’ll be there ASAP.”
Agitation makes me fork my fingers through my hair.
“Everything okay?” Drew asks, putting his arm around my shoulders.
I don’t even know where he came from, but I appreciate the extra support his arm is giving me right now.
“No, Walker’s sick and someone needs to go get him at school.”
“Take off, we’ve got this.”
They don’t have it, and both of us know it. Walker’s Wheels is always backed up and behind schedule because we’re actually very good at our jobs and people come from the surrounding counties for our service. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t even think about apologizing, brother. You’re in a position none of us ever want to be in.”
“You are too,” I argue. “She’s your sister.”
“Which is why I understand,” he speaks softly. “Understand some of it, I should say. Mandy’s always taken things more seriously than me, and she’s always been the one to take on the world. I think this time the world got to be too much for her.”
“Either that or I did.”
“It was never you.” Drew puts his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eye. The two of us are about the same height, and I would never want to seriously fight him. Not in a way that would change our relationship. He’s jacked my jaw a few times, but he’s always held back.
“Who else was it then?”
“It’s her and her mind, D. And right now we have to think about your mind, we have to make sure you’ve got what you need. Go take care of your son. All this shit,” - he gestures to the shop - “will be here tomorrow. It ain’t goin’ nowhere, but your family might. Take the day, do what you have to do, and if you need tomorrow, take it too.”
“Thank you.” I reach out, grasping his hand with mine.
“What are brothers for?”
Chapter Two
Mandy
Another day.
Another letter.
One step closer to finding out why I am the way I am. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Today finds me not walking as confidently to Dr. Crawford’s office as I did the first couple of days. I’m unsure why, but there’s a trepidation about the piece of paper I hold in my hand.
Knocking softly, I wonder if it’s because I’m not sure I want her to hear me. It doesn’t matter, because I hear her strong voice saying come in. I do as she says, with palms sweating and my knees weak.
“Hey, Mandy.” She smiles from where she already sits in her chair. “How are you doing today?”
I don’t answer until I have a seat and get comfortable. A sigh works its way past my throat. “I’m not sure. The first couple of days we talked and I wrote letters, it was interesting to see how I could express myself. Today though, I’m not as interested in what I wrote.”
“It’s okay to be uncomfortable.” She leans forward, her eyes locking onto mine. “We can’t get past what’s happening if you don’t get uncomfortable.”
“Maybe that’s what I’m having trouble with. I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life.”
“Comfort allows us to rely on others to fulfill our needs, but sometimes we rely on others too much and we don’t even know what our needs are anymore. We lose ourselves in the process, and it’s hard to find us again. That’s what we’re uncovering with you. You’re more than Dalton’s wife and Walker’s mother. You’re Amanda too, and we need to find out what’s hiding below the surface. Until we unearth what’s truly bothering you, we can’t begin to help you heal.”
While I absolutely understand everything she’s saying to me, it doesn’t make me any less apprehensive. I’ve never been one to share my feelings freely. It’s always been hard for me to tell people in my life I love them, even when I do.
