Fuck it. I might as well get it all out in the open here.
“What if you go back to the office and Charity isn’t ready to let you work? How’s that going to affect you?”
“Charity’s ready for me to work, she texted me. We both know we need to talk, but she’s excited to have me back in the office.”
There’s still something nagging at the back of my neck, a little pinch of awareness.
“Tell me what this is really about, Dalton. We can’t keep secrets anymore. Secrets are the reason I almost killed myself and you had no idea. They’re why we ended up where we did before. I thought we promised no more secrets. Are you gonna break the promise already? Come on, I can handle whatever it is you’re gonna say to me.”
Shit.
She’s right.
And I feel like an asshole.
But can she handle it? My gut tells me yes, but my mind is telling me no. It’s telling me to protect her, to keep all my feelings inside. It’s hard - pushing out all those voices, but I do it because it’s what she deserves. We have to be straight with one another, even if it’s not the easiest thing to do. If I fuck up now, I have no one to blame but myself.
“What’s gonna happen when she pulls a picture out of Will and shows it to you, or how about when she comes into work, exhausted because he’s been up all night? Maybe she just wants to tell you something cute he did? How do we know it’s not gonna send you backward, because damn, babe, I don’t know that I can handle seeing you go through this again.”
Trust me, I’m aware of how selfish those words sound.
Her arms cross over her chest. “What happens with you when Drew does it? Don’t think I’m any different than you. We both got hurt, and even though you’ve dealt with it better than me, it doesn’t mean I can’t handle this.”
“But what if you can’t?”
There’s a flash of disappointment in her eyes. “Do you think I wasn’t ready to come home?”
“No, I trust you when you say you’re ready.”
“Obviously you don’t.” She points out the obvious. “Otherwise you’d be okay with me leaving this morning. Tell me what’s wrong. We can’t keep doing this to one another, Dalton. If we start like this, then I may as well have done jack shit in therapy.”
It’s time to admit it all; everything that’s been beneath the surface this entire time. I feel like a fraud and a piece of shit, but here we go. “I’m scared.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I’m scared to death you’re gonna have a setback and then I’m going to be stuck where I was before.” My throat is on fire as I try and push all the emotions trying to come out, back.
Her eyes soften. “I may have a setback, neither one of us knows the future, D, but at least trust that I know myself. Right here, right now. Things won’t always be perfect. That’s not how life works, but what I can promise you is I’m in a better space than I’ve been in, in years.”
“You’ll tell me?” I push her. “You’ll tell me if this is too much for you. If you aren’t comfortable and you need me to run interference.?”
Leaning forward, she puts her palms on my neck, pressing her forehead against mine. “I promise. I know you don’t have a lot of faith in me, and it’s totally my fault, but please know I promise. It’s not enough, but I don’t want to lose my family again.”
Her fear is the same as mine. Being on the outside, looking in on the family you thought you were a part of. Then having it ripped away before you can even make a grab for it. Before you even knew the devil was at work.
“I don’t want to lose you or Walker either.” I take a long swallow. “It was hard to know you were so close, but so far away. To know that you wouldn’t accept my offer of support and comfort, even if I’d been able to take my tattered pride up to the door.”
“I’m sorry I tattered your pride, and I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you offer what I needed the most. From now on,” - she reaches down, pulling my hands up to her lips, kissing the knuckles - “I know what to do. Realizing there are times in my life when I’m not the strongest person in the room has been a process.”
There it is.
She realizes she’s not the strongest person in the room.
For some reason I’ve waited to hear those words. Wanted her to admit strength and coping aren’t mutually exclusive. This is what I’ve wanted, what I’ve needed.
“I love you,” I whisper to her.
Her eyes search mine. “What just happened here?”
“I heard you admit you aren’t superwoman and you’ve never done that before, babe. I think it worked this time.”
She smiles brightly and widely, her eyes shining. “I think it did too, Dalton. I think it did too.”
Watching Mandy leave doesn’t fill me with as much anxiety as I imagined it would. After our talk this morning, I’m happy to let her leave and go about her day. It’s amazing what a few little words can do to soothe the soul.
Either way I stand at the end of the drive, waiting for her taillights to disappear. When they finally do, I turn to the garages, slow-rolling up to where my bike is parked, enjoying the crisp air as I do. This isn’t something I’ve done much of lately, hell maybe even not at all. It’s a good reminder, we all need to stop and smell the roses sometimes, even when life gets to be too much.
Walker left with the twins to
