It’s a gorgeous morning and as I hop onto my bike, I realize how light I am. There isn’t the pressure and baggage of not knowing what was going on with my wife on me anymore. I know where my kid is, where my place in the club is, and the part of my identity I had somehow gotten wrapped up with my own piece of shit father? It’s gone.
Over the last few months as we’ve been dealing with everything going down, I’ve wondered if I’m no better than him, and during some of those dark nights, I was convinced. Fucking convinced, I was him made over.
Thank God my wife proved me wrong today.
I’m free as I turn onto Porter Pike, heading toward the shop, letting my mind blank out and enjoying the wind through my hair.
This is what I’ve missed. Not having the worry, the stress, and the fear.
I’m happy, and I think for a while I forgot what happy looked like.
Now? Now I fucking know.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Mandy
This.
This is normal.
Driving down Porter Pike, listening to the radio, my window rolled down slightly to inhale the fragrance of the coming season. Grass smells different when it’s starting to sprout after being dormant for the winter. It’s always been a favorite smell of mine, but somehow, I forgot.
So many things I forgot over the past few months.
There’s dew on the hood and windshield of my SUV, bringing with it a sense of new beginnings. The morning is slightly chilly, but it’ll be warm by lunchtime.
I wave at one of the farmers who shares this end of Porter Pike with us. He’s getting ready to start his season. If we’re still at the clubhouse in a few months, I’ll have to start planning my mornings earlier.
Getting behind a tractor is definitely a thing here in this part of Kentucky.
Funny how I’m already looking forward to the future, when before I couldn’t even look back at the past.
Which tells me more than anything how much better I am. Mandy a few months ago didn’t know what her future looked like. She didn’t care what her future looked like.
It doesn’t take me long to get to the square, which Charity’s office sits off from. Her SUV is already parked in the lot, but it looks like Tatum hasn’t showed up yet.
I’m not even sure when Tatum became a fixture here, but she needed more money than Cash could pay her. He’s now got some other high school girl working his front counter, and just like Tatum showed her, she runs the joint.
Grabbing my stuff from the SUV, I walk into the office, my head held high.
“Hey, Char.” I wave at her as I walk down the hallway toward my desk.
With a sigh of relief, I see that my desk is still actually my desk. A part of me had been worried it had changed. That everything had been flipped upside down while I was gone, and when I came back, I’d have to find my new place within the family. Thankfully, I haven’t had to do that, I’ve slid right into the old one just fine.
After putting my purse in the bottom drawer, I glance up. Charity is standing against the wall, looking uncertain.
“Hey.” I smile feeling just as uncertain as she looks.
“How are you?” She takes a few steps forward, having a seat in the chair facing me.
“I’m good.”
I realize how true those words are. Months ago I wouldn’t be able to say them, and if I did, it would have been a lie, but right now? I’m probably the best I’ve ever been.
“I’m glad.” She smiles, pushing herself to the edge of the chair. “I don’t want things to be weird between us. We’ve been friends for most of our lives, and I will always think of you as my sister. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt you inadvertently. Will you tell me if I do?”
“Char,” I sigh. “You’re not gonna hurt me. I know you’re nervous to talk about Will while I’m around, you’re probably reluctant to show pictures and all the other stuff new parents do. I can handle it, I promise. He’s my nephew, I wanna be a part of his life.”
“I know.” She runs a hand through her hair. “But it’s so unfair that we don’t have kids ready to play together again.” Moisture comes to her eyes, which she blinks it away quickly. “I was really looking forward to that.”
Moisture comes to mine too as I allow myself to think about how Walker, Justice, and Harley have spent most of their lives together. How it looks like Will won’t get to have that luxury. “The universe may have other plans we don’t know about.” I sniffle as the two of us cry.
She reaches in, grabbing my fingers with hers. “I hope so, Mandy. God I hope so, because no one deserves it more than you.”
Together we cry, letting emotions that have been simmering just under our skin for way too long to the surface. “One of the things I’ve learned in treatment is it’s not about what we deserve. If we all got everything we deserved, then there would be no hurt. It’s all a cycle, and if it comes back to me, it comes back to me. If it doesn’t, then I’ll make peace with it. One thing you don’t have to worry about is sharing your son with me.”
“Good.” She sniffs, reaching into her pocket. “Because we took this picture this morning.”
She hands the phone over to me, and I can’t help but smile at the picture. Will is wearing an I love my aunt shirt. “Never hide this stuff from me. It’s going to be what gets me through.”
“I promise.” She comes around the desk as I stand.
We wrap our arms around each other, mother to mother. She rocks me as I cry,
