It was completely unexpected, but I’d be denying the truth if I didn’t acknowledge that spending some time with him lit something up inside of me. Something I’ve never felt before. The way he conducted himself also made me start to question a lot of the beliefs I’ve held onto about Sawyer West. But is that enough? Is that a door I should even be opening right now, given everything happening in my life?
I give my head a small shake. No matter how brightly he’s lit me up inside, between my job, my advocacy, and my father, I can’t afford to take on the burdens of a romantic relationship. Maybe he has changed since college. Maybe he’s really not the same person as he claims. But I still think on a fundamental level, Sawyer and I see relationships – and people – on very different levels.
And right now, I’m neither able nor willing to change my point of view.
* * *
“Hey, Mrs. Hawley, thanks for sitting with my dad today,” I greet her as I close the door behind me.
She lowers her book and looks up, favoring me with a sweet, almost grandmotherly smile. Mrs. Hawley is still an attractive woman with a nice figure and a full head of black hair that’s got a small sprinkling of gray woven throughout. Her dark eyes shine with her intelligence, and her dusky complexion gives her an almost exotic appeal. I have no doubts she could still go out and snag men half her age if she wanted to, but she insists that her interest in love died with her husband. It’s sweet but also sad.
“Of course, dear,” she responds as she gets to her feet. “I’m always happy to come by. Gives me something to do with my day, you know?”
I give her a small smile. “I appreciate that, Mrs. Hawley. More than I can even express.”
She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “You don’t need to express anything, Berlin,” she tells me. “I know what you’re going through, and it’s a big responsibility. Far bigger than you should have to handle on your own. It’s too much.”
“He’s my dad. It’s my responsibility.”
“It takes a village, dear,” she holds my gaze. “You’re young and beautiful, Berlin. You should be out having adventures and falling in love.”
My soft laughter leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. “I’m afraid those aren’t the cards I was dealt.”
“And how would you know what hand you were dealt, child?” she admonishes me. “You’re so busy burying yourself in work and caring for your father; you have no idea what cards you’re holding, let alone what the game is.”
I grin. “You really know how to stretch a metaphor, Mrs. Hawley.”
She returns my smile. “It doesn’t make my meaning any less true,” she says gently. “You’re only young once, Berlin. You should be out taking advantage of it.”
I chew on my bottom lip and look away. There’s a part of me that would like to be able to go out on a moment’s notice and have drinks with the girls, or just get out and have some fun. As it stands, I have to plan well in advance and make sure I have somebody to sit with my dad. It’s not always easy, and although Mrs. Hawley keeps telling me all I have to do is ask, I don’t like imposing on her so often.
“I know it’s difficult to think about, but have you considered putting your father in an assisted care facility?” she asks.
I nod. “They’re all so expensive,” I explain. “And between his bills and my own – I just don’t have enough to make it happen.”
She frowns and looks down at the ground before raising her eyes to me again. “Surely with your connections working for the city, you can find resources that can help. There are social aid programs and whatnot, right?”
I give my head a small shake. “I haven’t,” I admit. “I don’t want to rely on social aid – not when I have a job, and there are others who need it worse than I do.”
“I don’t know about that, dear,” she says. “You could use the help, and you are just as worthy as anybody else. Don’t let your pride lead you to make bad decisions.”
“It’s a family trait, unfortunately,” I grimace. “It’s in the genes.”
Mrs. Hawley gives me a wan smile. “I didn’t know your father before he came to live with you, but I can’t believe he’d want this for you,” she encourages me. “I have to believe that he’d want his daughter to enjoy life, find love, and be happy.”
I fall silent and look down at the ground, unsure what to say. Sometimes my life feels so complicated, my responsibilities like an anchor around my neck, dragging me to the bottom. No, my dad wouldn’t want this life for me. He’d want me to be out having fun – having a family of my own. But I can’t just dump him in some shitty state-run facility and forget about him. For all his faults and flaws, he’s my dad. And before his own life came off the rails, he was a good dad. At least, he did the best he could. I can’t just abandon him in the hour of his greatest need.
“Yeah, probably,” my voice is barely more than a whisper. “You’re probably right.”
She pats my hand and gives me a gentle smile. “Well, I won’t keep badgering you about this, dear,” she says. “I just don’t want to see such an intelligent and beautiful young woman end up alone and miserable. You deserve so much more.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Hawley,” I
