Seeing the pain in her eyes affects me deeply. The last thing I ever wanted was to cause Berlin problems. As I look at her, though, I just get the feeling there’s more to the story here. I feel like she’s holding back and isn’t telling me something. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m way off base, but there’s something in her eyes – something she’s doing her best to snuff out – that I’m picking up on. Though I’m tempted to ask her about it, I know that pushing her right now would be the wrong move.
“What if I spoke to this – Dwight character?” I ask.
She shakes her head vehemently. “God, no,” she replies. “That would only make the situation worse.”
I arch an eyebrow at her. “He fired you. How much worse can it get, Berlin?”
She blinks at me for a moment before erupting into laughter as if only just now realizing how absurd her statement was. She laughs long and loud, clapping her hands together. I get the feeling her outburst is not because it’s that funny – it really wasn’t – but is more of an expulsion of a tremendous amount of emotional energy that’s been boiling below the surface. It’s like turning the pressure release valve on a boiler that’s about to blow.
She finally settles down and looks at me, an amused grin on her face. “It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve been able to laugh,” she says. “Thanks for that.”
“Anytime. I just like seeing you smile,” I reply. “And I meant it – I can talk to Dwight.”
Her smile fades. “It won’t help. He’s a political animal,” she says. “Everything he does is calculated based on how it will affect his own political clout.”
I flash her a roguish grin. “Yeah well, I’m not without my own political clout in this city,” I tell her. “I’ve got plenty of chits I can call in –”
“I appreciate it, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t,” she shakes her head.
“But Berlin –”
“I don’t need you to always throw on your cape and come rushing in to save me, Sawyer,” she declares firmly. “I don’t want or need you to solve all my problems for me. Sometimes, it’s enough to just be able to talk to you. Sometimes it’s enough for you to just listen.”
I nod and give her a small smile. Sitting around doing nothing has never been something I’ve been good at. I’m the type who will roll up my sleeves, dive into a problem, and hammer away at it until I find a solution. But I have to recognize that’s not what Berlin needs from me. I have to believe her when she says sometimes; she just needs me to listen – even though it might kill me to do so.
“So what are you going to do?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I’m not sure yet,” she admits. “I need to start circulating my resume, obviously.”
I open my mouth, ready to offer some advice, but then close it again, letting the words die on my tongue. This is a time for me to listen and not, as she says, throw on my cape and go rushing in to save her. Instead, I let her talk.
And Berlin talks for a good twenty minutes or so, really opening up to me about her fears and the anxiety this is all bringing with it. She’s not good with uncertainty in her life and is battling the dark thoughts of doubts about her ability that are weaving their way through her mind. As I sit there and listen to her explain to me what it is she’s looking for and what she hopes to find, an idea begins to form in my head. But I decide to sit on it for a minute.
“I have to say, I never thought my sex life would lead to a complete reevaluation and overhaul of the other parts of my life,” she chuckles.
“Yeah, I’m –”
She reaches across the table and grabs my hand, giving it a tight squeeze. She looks into my eyes, and I see a steely resolve there I haven’t seen yet today – the sort of determination I typically associate with Berlin. I see her strength and confidence – I see all of the qualities that drew me to her in the first place.
“If you say you’re sorry one more time, I’m going to kick you in the balls so hard, they’ll have to remove them from your throat,” she growls. “I’m not sorry it happened. Despite the fallout, I don’t regret being with you, Sawyer.”
I raise her hand and kiss her gently on the backs of her knuckles. “I’m glad. Because I don’t regret it either,” I tell her. “Next time, though, we’ll make sure we’re actually alone.”
“Good thinking,” she replies. “I’m not super crazy about half the city knowing about my apparent sexual deviancies.”
I give her a grin. “I think the Ledger actually has a circulation that covers about three-quarters of the city.”
She cackles with laughter and slaps my hand. “Shut up. You’re not helping.”
“The saving grace here is that they didn’t have your name to print,” I mention. “And given the attention span of the American public, this will be old, forgotten news in no time.”
“Thank God,” she grins. “But if you have any famous friends, could you ask them to do something outrageous to speed the process along?”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
I can see some of the tension around her eyes and in her body slowly melting away. There’s still something there that she’s not telling me. It’s been hovering over us like the damn Sword of Damocles since I sat down, but she’s holding onto it. Maybe I’m being paranoid, and it has nothing to do with me. It more than likely is, but I want to be the sort of person in her life she can
