With Berlin, though, it’s not just the physical release that drives me. It’s the desire to be closer to her. It’s that natural connection and intimacy we share. When I’m with her, I don’t feel like it’s just a physical act to get myself off. It’s more than that. So much more. There’s a chemistry between us that fills me with feelings I can’t explain, other than to say it’s like a really good drug – and one I can’t seem to get enough of. The more I get, the more I want.
Rider sets his beer mug down and looks at me, his expression not as flippant. “I am partly serious, though,” he says. “Unless we’re going to start doing some shady shit, you really don’t have a need for a trial attorney.”
“Well, if I do plan on doing some shady shit, at least I know my ass will be covered.”
He grins and shakes his head. The waitress comes by and drops off a basket of wings for us. I snatch one up and wolf it down. I don’t need to justify bringing her on board to anybody. My company, my rules. That’s just how it works. And yet, I find myself needing to justify it to Rider for reasons that aren’t clear to me.
“You really care about her, don’t you?”
Rider’s question hits me out of the blue. Although, I probably should have anticipated it. The fact that I didn’t shows me just how far I have my head up my ass these days. I pride myself on being able to see the entire chessboard in front of me. I may not have the expertise to deal with this thing or that thing, but I see the game well enough. I’m usually thinking three moves ahead, so I get the right people in the right positions at the right times. It’s how I’ve succeeded in expanding Compass in ways not even my father, as brilliant as he was, could think of.
And yet today I’m caught off guard by the most basic and obvious of questions. I should kick my own ass.
A wry smile touches my lips. “And you’re surmising this because I gave her a job?”
He looks at me for a moment, his expression one of brotherly affection. “I surmise this because of how different you’ve been since you started seeing her.”
“Different?”
He takes a long pull of his beer and nods. “For one thing, you haven’t been as big of an asshole lately.”
My laughter bursts from my chest without warning, making me glad I didn’t have a mouthful of beer at that moment, or Rider would be wearing it. He grins back at me.
“Gee, thanks?” I ask.
“Anytime, buddy.”
I chew on another wing and wash it down with a long swallow of beer. I don’t know about being less of an asshole, but Berlin has had a strangely calming effect on me. That much I can’t deny. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t feel as tense or impatient around people lately as I normally do. She called me a magician, but I’m starting to think maybe she’s the one who cast a spell on me.
“You still haven’t answered the question, though,” he presses. “You care about her a lot, yes?”
I give him a brief nod. “Yeah, I do.”
His smile is wide and genuine. “That’s good, Sawyer. That’s really good. It’s about damn time,” he nods. “And I’ll assume since she’s continuing to have sex with you, the feeling is mutual.”
“I’ll have to assume so,” I shrug.
“Well shit, I better call the Ledger,” he smirks. “Manhattan’s most eligible bachelor is now off the market. Maybe they can get a more flattering picture of you two.”
“Am I just now noticing, because of my apparently new kinder, gentler personality, that you’re kind of an enormous asshole?”
Rider laughs. “Yeah, pretty much.”
We sit together, eating wings and drinking beer in a companionable silence for a few minutes. Things with Berlin seem to be getting better, and we seem to be growing closer, which is something that makes me happier than I would have guessed when this whole thing began. But there’s this maddening bit of distance that’s keeping things from being completely whole – keeping us from being completely whole.
“She has a secret,” I blurt out. “There’s something she’s not telling me.”
Rider shrugs. “We all have secrets, man,” he replies. “You have plenty of your own.”
I shake my head. “It’s not like that. She’s holding something back from me, and I can’t help but feel like it’s somehow relevant to us,” I explain. “I thought she was going to tell me last night, but she didn’t. She held onto it – whatever it is.”
“Maybe it has nothing to do with you,” Rider responds. “Believe it or not, there are some things in this world that don’t revolve around you.”
I chuckle. “Very few,” I joke. “But seriously, I just have this instinct that says whatever she’s holding back does revolve around me.”
“Ego much?”
I crook an eyebrow at him. “And how long have you known me?”
“Good point,” he grins. “Maybe she’s pregnant.”
I almost drop my beer mug. “Bite your fucking tongue, man.”
He laughs and wipes his fingers with a napkin. “I seem to remember somebody once having a dream about having a family of his own,” he reminds me. “Settling down in a house with a white picket fence?”
I drain the last of my beer and signal the waitress for a fresh round. She nods, letting me know she got the message, and a couple of minutes later, she weaves her way through the crowd and drops off our drinks, giving me a wink as she leaves the table. I ignore it. In fact, I don’t even watch her ass when she walks away, which proves to me that Berlin is definitely a witch
