“Do you even want to have this baby with me, Sawyer?” I finally ask.
“What? Where is this coming from?”
I sigh and stare at the baby for a moment before turning back to Sawyer. He’s taking a sip of his coffee, appearing to be the picture of relaxation, but I can see the tension around his eyes and the small frown pulling the corners of his mouth downward.
“Do you?” I ask again. “I mean, I honestly don’t get the sense that you do.”
He sets his coffee mug down and shakes his head. “I honestly don’t understand where this is coming from.”
I sigh. “Because every time I try to talk about the baby, you shut down on me.”
“I don’t.”
“You do, Sawyer,” I press. “You don’t want to talk about the baby. You barely even acknowledge the fact that we’re going to have a child together.”
He rubs his jaw but says nothing. Instead, he lifts his mug and takes a long drink. I can see the tension in his eyes, of course, but there’s something else there – something I didn’t notice before. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. And given the fact that I can see Sawyer closing himself off – and since he’s not exactly known for being emotionally open – I know I’m going to need to draw it out of him.
“I’m going to have this child, Sawyer,” I start. “And if you’ve changed your mind and decided that you don’t want to be a part of that, you – you don’t have to.”
I feel the warm, wet tears rolling down my face and angrily scrub them away. I wanted to approach this with cool logic, not emotion – but I seem entirely incapable. More tears replace the ones I just wiped away. Sawyer looks at me and purses his lips.
“I don’t know why you’d think –”
“Because you’ve been so cold about it all, Sawyer,” I snap. “What in the hell else am I supposed to think?”
Sawyer runs a hand through his hair, a strange look on his face; I can’t quite make sense of it. But his continued silence is not only hurting me, it’s pissing me off. It makes me think he really doesn’t want to be part of our child’s life. It’s a thought that cuts me deeper than I could have imagined it would.
But I knew it was a possibility. And knowing it was a possibility, I shouldn’t have dared hope – and I definitely shouldn’t have opened up like I did. I never should have let myself get as attached to him as I did. I should have known a man like Sawyer probably doesn’t want to be weighed down by a child.
I don’t doubt him at all when he tells me he loves me – I think this may just be one of those cases when love isn’t enough.
Sawyer sighs and looks over at the baby in the woman’s arms. I see the tension around his eyes ease. I’m shocked when I see the faint traces of a smile on his lips. It’s small and weak, but it’s there.
“If I’ve seemed – distant – or maybe standoffish, I apologize, Berlin,” he begins. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you or be a part of our child’s life. That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it, Sawyer?” I ask.
He looks down at the table and lets out another long breath. For maybe the first time ever, I see uncertainty in Sawyer’s eyes. He looks – shaken.
“I want to raise a family – with you,” he says softly. “But I’m – I’m scared, Berlin.”
I feel my eyes widen and my mouth fall open at the same time. I’ve never known Sawyer to be afraid of anything – much less admit to being afraid. Even back in school. In some ways, I’ve kind of always thought of him as a superhero of sorts.
“I – I’m shocked,” I respond. “I mean, the great Sawyer West, never intimidated, never scared, never takes shit from anybody – what in the hell do you have to be afraid of?”
He takes a drink of his coffee and won’t meet my eyes. It’s amazing to me to see him so uncertain and nervous.
“What in the hell do I know about being a father?” he asks. “I mean – seriously, look at that baby –”
I follow his gaze to the baby and then turn back to him. He’s staring like it’s a bomb swaddled in a blanket, ready to go off.
“That’s a lot of responsibility,” he continues, pitching his voice lower. “Being responsible for another life – I don’t know that I’d be any good at it. I’m afraid I’d do more harm than good.”
His eyes are riveted on the baby, and fear is etched deeply into his features. Now that he’s admitted his fears, everything falls into place. Now I have a greater understanding of the situation – and of Sawyer himself.
“I understand being afraid, Sawyer,” I tell him. “Trust me; I get it. I mean, what in the hell do I know about raising a kid?”
“You will be a great mother,” he says, his tone more confident than I feel. “You just have a kind, nurturing way about you – a way I don’t have.”
“That’s not true –”
His bark of laughter is sharp. “It is true, and you know it,” he says. “You’re not selfish like I am. You’re giving and compassionate. I don’t have those traits.”
“Sawyer –”
“Oh, I’m not saying I don’t have other great traits, or that I’m not an amazing guy,” he chuckles, “but I don’t know that I have what it takes to be a good father, Berlin. I don’t know that I’ll do the right thing raising a child.”
I reach over and take his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “We are different, Sawyer. We’re very different.” I hold his gaze firmly. “But we also complement each other in a hundred different ways. Your strengths compensate for my
