I open my mouth to argue but realize she’s right and then close it again. I know I have the habit of going on the defensive and lashing out when I’m as upset as I am right now. But it’s not like I don’t have good reason to be this upset – my life and the world I’ve dared to let myself dream of is crashing down around me. And I feel like I’m standing in the middle of this dumpster fire of my existence entirely alone. While I appreciate the fact that Gabs will always be unflinchingly honest and will give it to me straight, this is one of those times I could really just use a cheerleader who will listen. Who will tell me everything’s going to be okay, and that he’s the one with the fucked-up priorities.
“His view of people – I find it abhorrent, Gabs,” I tell her. “That he can be so cold and unfeeling about taking people’s homes and turning them out is monstrous to me. It’s like they aren’t human beings at all. Just obstacles in his way to make more money. God, and it’s not like the man isn’t rich enough. He runs a multi-billion-dollar company! He could afford to completely change his business and still be fabulously wealthy. But he chooses to just be greedy instead!”
Gabby sighs, taking my hand. “Babe, I’m not saying you’re wrong, but you’re shouting again.”
I take a deep breath. “Sorry,” I mutter sheepishly.
“Look, I don’t know Sawyer himself, but I think I can help you figure this out. For one thing, it’s because he grew up steeped in that sort of culture. I know plenty of guys like Sawyer – I have to deal with them on a daily basis,” she starts. “And for some of them, it’s not that they are unfeeling about people, they just don’t know any better. For them, it’s all about the job and the project in front of them. They get tunnel vision. It’s not that they are unfeeling; they just don’t think about people at all.”
I grin ruefully. “I think that might actually be worse.”
“It’s not. Not really,” she shrugs. “It means that they just need their eyes opened. They need to have those blinders taken off, and they need to see the people – and the real-world implications of what they’re doing. Until they come face to face with the people who suffer, it’s all nothing more than an abstract concept for them. I mean, Sawyer grew up rich, right? He’s never had to seriously worry about losing his job or his home for a day in his life. Maybe all you need to do is show him.”
I tug on the ends of my hair, letting her words bounce around in my head for a minute. I’m pretty sure she’s right in that Sawyer has never had to see the real-world consequences of the people his projects put out on the street. I wonder if it would make a difference to him, though. As much as I’d like to say it would, the truth is I just don’t know.
“What you’ve told me about Sawyer is that he’s got a good heart. That he’s grown and changed even in just the few months you guys have been together,” she presses her point. “You’ve told me he’s learned and changed – that he’s become an even better man.”
I nod slowly, hating it when my words are used against me. But she has a point. And it’s true. In our time together, I’ve seen a softer, gentler side of him. I’ve seen him becoming more compassionate and caring. At least with me. I don’t know that it would translate to people in general. But then, I don’t know that it won’t.
“Listen, I know you want to be pissed off and want to believe the worst of him right now. I get it, hon. I really do,” she continues, her tone slightly gentler. “But I really think I’d be doing you a disservice by just sitting here, patting your hand, and agreeing with you that he’s a horrible monster who should be drawn and quartered before being set on fire.”
I sniff loudly and blink back the tears that are threatening to come spilling out. I’m doing my best to check my emotions, but being pregnant isn’t helping me a whole lot right now. Lately, I’ve felt out of control – even on my best days. I cry at the drop of the hat, get irrationally angry – and unbelievably sappy and romantic. Being pregnant is an emotional adventure, but right now, I just want the roller coaster to stop because I want to get off.
“Do you know why I’m always so hard on you, hon?” Gabby asks. “Why I’m always honest with you – even when the truth is hard to swallow?”
“Because that’s just who you are,” I say.
“That’s true, that’s who I am,” she chuckles. “But not with everybody. I can mollycoddle a person, hold their hand, and tell them everything’s going to be alright with the best of them.”
A wry grin touches my lips. “Really? I’ve never seen this alleged side of you before.”
“Right, you haven’t,” she nods. “And you haven’t because the people who do are people I don’t respect. They’re weak. They need that hand-holding because they don’t have the strength to deal with the truth. I love and respect you far too much to ever patronize you like that.”
“Sometimes it’d be nice to just have you give me a hug and let me whine,” I laugh.
“You’d hate me for it. But worse than that, you’d hate yourself for it,” she states. “You’re not the type to lay down and wallow in your own misery, Berlin. You never have been. You’re stronger than anybody I know – including me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is true. To overcome what you have in your life to become
