“She will always see herself as the underdog because she’s always going to feel insecure about herself. She’s never going to feel good enough, and like she has to fight hard for anything she gets,” Haley elaborates. “She’s always going to find herself lacking in some way, and she’s always going to fight to make up for her perceived shortcomings. And you know as well as I do that when she fights, she’ll never, ever give up.”
I sit back and take a drink of my coffee, absorbing everything she just said. It makes sense. If that’s the way she really feels about herself, it’s no wonder she takes offense so easily and comes out shooting first and asking questions later. It also explains why she fights so hard for those people she identifies with – why she does everything she can for the have-nots in a world she feels is rigged against them at every turn.
As those thoughts tumble through my head, Robert’s words come back to me once more – if you understand who she fights for, you’ll understand Berlin.
I turn to Haley and give her a tight smile. “Thank you,” I say. “A lot of that makes sense.”
“Good. Now go grab your girl and fix things. I am really looking forward to her and getting this project off the ground,” she fires back. “But more than that, fix things for the both of you. Or should I say the three of you?”
I turn to her, feeling my surprise coloring my face. “How in the hell did you know? She’s not even showing yet.”
She gives me a small shrug. “What can I say? I’m just brilliant like that.” Haley grins and scrunches her nose at me. “Or maybe I’m psychic. Either way, you would make a great dad – so make an honest woman of Berlin. You never know, it might even help make some of her insecurities vanish.”
I purse my lips and nod, letting Haley’s words sink in for a moment. Glancing at my watch, I get to my feet. I have some work to do, and before I go back to Berlin to try and patch things up, I want all my ducks in a row. I want to be able to hit the ground running.
“I’ll be in touch,” I tell her and turn to walk off.
“Hey, Sawyer.”
I turn back to her and find her staring at me with an intense compassion and earnestness in her eyes.
“Don’t fuck it up. Not just for my sake, but for yours,” she states. “I kind of get the feeling you’ll never forgive yourself if you do.”
I pause for a moment and then give her a nod as I turn and walk away.
I know that she’s right. I need to find a way to mend the divide between Berlin and I once and for all.
Chapter Forty Berlin
It’s been a couple of days since the blowout at the restaurant. I’ve been alternating between a righteous anger and an unshakeable embarrassment for how I conducted myself. I acted like a psycho girlfriend – in full view of the paparazzi. Gabby was more than happy to forward me the pictures they got of me slapping Sawyer, along with the accompanying articles speculating on what happened – and of course, resurrecting the stories about Sawyer’s past and his endless string of women.
Against my better judgment, I read the articles, and I have to admit; the stories about Sawyer’s wild past have done nothing to help my insecurities. The doubts I have about myself have flared to life, bigger and brighter than ever. Especially when I start comparing myself with the leggy blonde, he was with. The tabloid article said she was named Haley Palmer but didn’t give a lot of information about her. Probably just some wealthy socialite.
As shitty as I feel right now, I’m sure Sawyer is doubly pissed about how all of this shook out. And if I’m being fair, I can understand why he hasn’t tried to contact me to smooth things over. He probably needs a minute to calm himself down.
I know my reaction was based on the belief that he’d cheated on me. But now that I’ve had a couple days to think about it – and really, I haven’t thought about much else – I realize that my reaction was rooted in how I feel about myself. I have no idea what he was meeting with her about, and I know that he will sometimes have to meet with women. And logically, I know it’s business and that he’s not sleeping with them. Emotionally, it’s a different story in my mind.
I assumed he’d replaced me because deep down, I don’t feel worthy or good enough for somebody like him. Haley Palmer is the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and it automatically made me feel like shit. It’s an issue I’ve dealt with my entire life. One I don’t know how to overcome – and because I haven’t been able to overcome it, I may have ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I stand on the balcony, overlooking the city below us, taking in all the lights and colors as I feel sorry for myself. In a city teeming with people, I feel utterly alone, and I hate it. With a long sigh, I walk back inside and head down to the nursery. The lights come on automatically when I enter the room, and I look around, a wan smile touching my lips.
After coming back from that weekend in the Catskills, Sawyer and I started building the nursery for our baby together. I look at the crib, the soft rocking chair in the corner Sawyer insisted I use when I nurse, the colorful blankets, and the solar system mobile hanging over the crib. We still
