I stare at him for a minute, debating whether I should divulge my secret. Fuck it; maybe I’ll feel better when I let the cat out of the bag. “We gave in. It was the night before we left. I went to Berkeley; she went to NYU. They were our dream schools.”
“So, what happened? Stop pausing and get on with it,” he nudges my side.
“We had sex. It was both of our first times. I had dated other people and fooled around, but she had never kissed a guy. She admitted she wanted all her firsts with me. Sounds cheesy, but it was the best night of my life. I felt like we finally found our way to each other, and we could finally be in love instead of exhausting ourselves being friends.”
I take the frame from him and stare at the photo of us. “I decided then I wasn’t going to go to Berkeley. I had made up my mind lying next to her in the cab of my truck. I was going to talk to her when we woke up that morning, but I woke up, and she was just gone. She left, and she stopped talking to me. Completely ghosted me. I tried reaching out. I texted and called her just about every day, but she never responded. I stopped trying after six months. I don’t know what happened. And here we are. She hurt me, bad. She betrayed my trust. Everly has been the only woman I have ever loved, and probably will ever love.”
“Then why hold on to all this anger? Why not try and fix it?”
“Because she broke it. It’s up to her to fix it.”
“Sounds like a lot of pride and stubbornness coming off you, man. I wish I could help, but I’ve never loved anyone like that. I envy you for having that experience. I can’t imagine that, though, loving someone your entire life just to give up on it after one bump in the road.”
“It wasn’t a bump. I tried talking to her. She wouldn’t talk to me, Gray.”
“Honestly, I think both of you are being kind of irrational about it. I think this will all pass. You’ll realize it. We are still young. I hope when you realize it or when she does, it isn’t too late. It’s just a shame. Thirteen years of love and friendship, ruined.”
“What are you getting at, Gray?” I’m starting to get a little impatient now. He doesn’t know the situation. He doesn’t get it.
“Well, thirteen years of love, memories, and friendship, broken over one night. It’s been two years since you have talked?”
“Yeah, so?”
“I mean, the friendship must have not meant that much to either of you if you guys were willing to give up thirteen years. It’s sad.”
“She’s the one that didn’t try!”
“I know, but it doesn’t mean you had to stop. And you let your anger with her get in the way of your relationship with your dad? Man, all those years ended, for what? Some teenage mistakes?” He slaps my shoulder, yawns, and gets to his feet. “Well, I hope you work it out. All this mushy shit has made me sleepy.”
And there it is.
“Night, Gray. Thanks for listening. I’ve never told anyone that before.”
He knocks on the frame of the door and smiles, “Man, that’s what friends are for. I’ll bust your ass for it another time when you aren’t face to face with the love of your life. Who is also your sister.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I throw a pillow at him, but he shuts the door just in time, and his laugh carries down the hall until he enters his room.
I can’t help but wonder if he is right. I look out the window again and see the snow coming down a bit harder now, and there is still no sign of Everly coming back. I stare at the picture in my hand and know Gray is right. It still doesn’t change anything, though. I’m not ready to talk to her. I’m not ready to forgive her, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know if can. I didn’t throw away thirteen years. She did.
And it does hurt because I look at all relationships differently now. The effort, the time, the emotion, I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. Everly took that from me, and I’m still working on trying not to see new relationships through a veil of fog, but two years later, I can’t see anything through the thick.
I sit the picture frame face down on the nightstand and flop down on the bed. I stare at the ceiling, thinking about all the years of memories we made together. It is fucked up. All those years as friends, sharing our closest memories, and she ruined it. It’s time that I let it go. And I don’t mean the last two years.
I mean the last fifteen.
I can’t live like this anymore. I’m ready to let it go. And these past two years, I had no idea how angry I still was until I saw her in my dad’s house this morning. All those feelings I had pushed aside came roaring back. It slammed into me hard, and now I can’t turn them off.
I don’t know how long I lie in bed, but it’s long enough that the house is quiet, and the night is at its darkest, and my eyes are finally starting to get heavy when headlights beam through my bedroom window, and a car door slams.
Everly.
I turn to my side and debate on going to talk to her when I hear the door close to the room next to me. I get up and walk over, pressing my ear against the wall to see what she is up to.
“Blaire, I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while. I wonder if she is still living the punk goth fantasy.
“Yes, he really did say that. No, I don’t
