“Everly?” Josh asks, placing his hand on my shoulder as I put my head between my knees to try and breathe.
I just need to breathe.
“Someone get me some oxygen!” he yells when he notices that my breathing has turned to something else.
I’m hyperventilating.
“I can’t do this,” I choke. Tears fall freely down my face, melting the snow at my feet. “I can’t lose my mom,” I cry. “I can’t lose her too.” Everything sways. My vision blurs. My head is weightless.
“Take a deep breath,” Josh instructs me. “Breathe.”
I nod and try to inhale the best I can. My lungs stutter, but with every breath, I feel better.
“Hey! What’s going on? Everly! Get away from her,” Rowan pushes through the crowd, almost knocking Josh over. He kneels on the icy ground and cradles my face with his hands. His thumb brushes the tear falling down my cheek as he stares directly in my eyes, like he cares.
Part of me knows he doesn’t because he’s an asshole. But part of me knows he does because he’s my Rowan.
“I know,” he whispers. His eyes well with salty fluid next, but nothing falls. “I know this is scary. It doesn’t look promising. I have faith. They are strong.”
The medics finally arrive with an oxygen mask, who help me put it on. I hold the mask to my face, trying to get as much of the free-flowing oxygen as I can. Once I’m calm, I take it off and hand it back to the EMT who gave it to me. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I feel so stupid.”
Josh kneels next, and he takes my hand with his. I don’t miss how Rowan slides his eyes to the side, watching the stranger comfort me. “Don’t ever apologize. This isn’t an easy situation. I don’t expect it to be easy. It’s good you know the reality of the situation. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t need this mask, and you wouldn’t be crying. It’s okay to feel fear when we are facing fear itself.” He squeezes my hand, and I automatically compare it to Rowan’s. It’s lighter, Josh’s fingers are softer, which is odd because he is a police officer and Rowan works inside. It would make sense for it to be opposite.
I take a glance at Rowan to see his jaw twitch. I don’t see why he cares. Whatever it is between us is just a mistake. So, I squeeze Josh’s hand back in appreciation, “Thank you, Josh. I’m sorry. My mom is all the family I have left, my dad died when I was younger, so losing her too, the thought is…” I can’t even find the words to explain how awful the thought of living my life without my mom is. She’s my best friend.
“I know,” he nods, sapphire eyes gleaming with nothing but earnest. “You ready?” he asks, helping me to my feet.
Rowan stands to the side, clenching his fists. “We need to get going. Why don’t you and I pair up, Everly?”
“I’m okay with Josh, thanks.”
Rowan doesn’t seem happy, but he gives a curt nod. “Take care of her,” he growls, before turning around and stomping away to stand next to his partner for the search.
“Nice guy,” Josh says with a click of his tongue. “I have a feeling there is a story there.”
“It isn’t worth telling,” I mumble, wiping the extra snow off my gloves. “Let’s get going. I have a feeling this storm isn’t going to wait for us.”
He tilts his chin down in agreement and whistles again to grab everyone’s attention. “Let’s go!” he shouts.
The search and rescue dogs bark as they pull against the already tight leashes, trying to break free to do what they do best: rescue.
All of us climb into separate vehicles. There are about ten of us, and with everyone paired up, we are in five trucks. The dogs are in the back, along with another officer just in case the dogs jump out mid ride, if they find something.
I lean my head against the window, staring out at the vast space my mother is lost in. The snow hits the truck, and it looks like we are driving through a tunnel of white. I can’t see anything. I don’t know how Josh can see out the window right now.
“We’re going to start with the west side of the mountain. Those are the trails beginners take, but there are certain parts that are dangerous. After that, we will call it a day and start again tomorrow.”
I snap my head to the left. “What do you mean, you will ‘call it a day’? My mom is out here. We can’t just abandon them out here when we get there,” I argue. “I’m not leaving her. You can leave without me. I’m staying.” I’m starting to get hysterical. My voice is high-pitched, and those damn tears come again.
He grabs my hand again, but this time, it feels different. Not for me, but the way he is holding me. There isn’t pressure as people do to send comfort, but it’s soft as he lays his fingers over mine.
And leaves them there.
Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?
“It’s dangerous for us to be out here later. You would be risking your life. If you decide not to come back, I will forcefully remove you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. The threat is real. He isn’t being sexual or flirting. The clenched jaw speaks for itself.
“It’s my mom,” I whisper, arguing weakly.
“I know it is, but your mom won’t want you to put yourself in danger or harm’s way. You have to take emotion out of it and think logically. I know that’s hard to do, but that is the only way we will find your mom. Emotion won’t work here.”
I slump against
