That’s when life feels right. I’ve been a stupid man, an impatient man, a too patient man, an unreasonable man, and a scared man. And that is not the kind of man I want to be. I want to be the kind she can sit down with and tell me that she wants to cry.
And I’ll listen to her problems without being a jerk and wipe her tears away. I’m letting go of all the anger because the only thing in the end I want to gain is her.
Chapter 30 Everly
I’d forgotten how run down my old childhood home is, but it doesn’t stop me from sneaking in and climbing up the stairs to my old bedroom. I just needed a change of scenery. So I came back to the place that always made me feel a little better.
My room used to be painted a light green color. I had a queen bed that laid on the floor, no bed frame, and I had bead curtains for my closet. Jonas Brothers posters used to litter this wall along with all the other boy bands. Rowan used to give me such a hard time about them, but I loved them, just like every other teenage girl in America.
Now when I look around the room, it looks dead inside. The walls are black, covered in mud and dirt and who knows what. Leaves and twigs are sprinkled along the ground, and I can see the wood that was used to build the walls since they are falling apart. The floors seem strong… dirty, but strong nonetheless.
I sit in the middle of the floor where my bed used to be and think back to all the times I had everything in the world, and I tossed it all away due to fear. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t like that person, and I think that’s where all my uncertainty is coming from. How can I be certain about a lover, a husband, a best friend, when I’m not even sure about myself?
Being back home in Spokane has put things in perspective for me. When I was a kid, I acted like a kid, but now, I still think like that eighteen-year-old girl. And that needs to stop. I need to put on my big girl panties and be a wife, talk to my husband and tell him that we are pregnant, and that I can never get rid of him.
Okay, maybe I’ll rephrase that because I don’t want to come off like a psycho. No matter how much I fluff it up though, that’s what I mean. And that’s just how it is. I bring my hand to my stomach to see if I can feel the baby move yet, which is what I am going to blame my crazy on. I can’t do that, but I feel a little off-put ever since the doctor confirmed elevated levels of hCG in my blood.
Which usually means pregnancy.
I can’t believe there is a baby inside me. I still look normal, so I’m finding it hard to wrap my head around. “You know, I don’t think this will be the case, but if your daddy wants nothing to do with you, I’ll love you. I’ll always love you, but I want you to know that Rowan is a good man, and he will take care of you too. Your father and I have a way of bumping heads, but don’t worry, we will figure it out,” I say to the little bean. “Oh, and if you could try not to crave donuts and have me gain a ton of weight, that would be really fantastic.”
I sigh and rub my belly when it starts to hurt again. “And if you could stop making me sick, that would be great too. I’m not supposed to throw up until later on, but you are just wanting to break records, huh?”
I never believed that I’d be having Rowan’s baby. But here I am, married to him and pregnant, trying to figure out what I want to tell him before it’s too late. That’s another thing. I don’t want it to be too late. I don’t want it to be like before. I want it to be different this time around.
I want to believe in the love I have for him instead of turning away from it. The thought of him leaving or giving up on me when I finally know I need to get my stuff together, causes the baby hormones to make me cry.
Ah, it’s so easy to blame everything on the baby. It’s too soon for that. I need to stop. But it’s just so easy…
I sniffle, wiping my nose on my shirt when I hear something outside of the house. I snap my head up from the ground and look out the broken window. Past and present mix when I see Rowan sneaking in. The past, everything is clean and new in my room, and Rowan is young with no facial hair. Present, everything is demolished and needs a fresh start—like us, and Rowan finally grew a beard.
“What are you doing here?” I ask softly. I want to make sure I don’t come off too harsh.
“Gray told me where to find you. Don’t be mad at him. I might have threatened him with an envelope cutter.” He dusts off his hands on his trousers and comes to sit in front of me on the dirty floor.
“Damn him. He promised,” I mutter, swirling designs into the thick dust layered on the floor.
“Yeah, but he wants us to figure things out. And I want to figure things out too. I want to start by saying, I care about you, and I know you don’t think I do, but I do, Everly. Every day, even when you left me,
