“So what?”
“I haven’t even ever thought about being in love. I never dreamed about it or fantasized about it or even wanted it.”
“Because you had it. Already.”
She felt like a big crack had just been wedged into her chest, each word of her sister’s expanding it.
“I’ve never thought about getting married or having babies or any of that.”
“You don’t have to. I’m just... I’m sorry. I’ve made a really big mess of this. If you’re not ready to think about it that way, then don’t.”
“How did you get from it’s not a good idea to you’re in love with him?”
“Because if you’re in love with him it changes everything. Because then you fight for it, Rose. You fight for it, and you don’t worry about what your stupid older sister says. And you don’t worry about whether or not it makes sense. Or whether or not it might hurt. You fight for love.”
“Did you?”
“With myself,” Pansy said. “And West fought for it. He showed me that I could, too. That I needed to. I was afraid. Really afraid. Because everything we’ve been through hurt so much. And...” She laughed. “I guess I’m still a little bit afraid. Look at how I freaked out about you and Logan. You’re right. I let myself have love, and then I worried about you. About maybe it being a little bit too much happiness for all of us. But we can’t stay stuck where we’re at. Everything does have to change. I mean, look at Ryder and Sammy.”
Rose nodded slowly. “Sure.”
“Did I freak you out?”
“Yeah, this whole episode kind of freaked me out. Thank God we got twenty bags of chips.”
“I mean, I always feel thankful for chips. Empty calories can fill a lot of voids.”
She nodded and tried to laugh. Because they were back at the house, and she didn’t need to be looking shell-shocked. Even though she kind of felt like it. When they walked into the house, Logan was sitting there in the living room with Colt and Jake.
Their eyes caught for a moment, and she knew there was nothing she could do. And anyway, it didn’t matter, because she was caught up in bear hugs from her cousins, and even one from their friend.
“Hey, squirt,” Jake said to Pansy.
Pansy was the smallest, even though she wasn’t the youngest, and she knew that their cousins liked to harass her about it. “I’ll tase your ass,” she said, poking Jake in the ribs.
“Rude,” he said.
“You’re always rude,” Pansy said. “Why can’t I be rude?”
“Why don’t you go out and help us bring chips and drinks in,” Rose said. “Instead of just being a useless jerk.”
And they did. And she was able to push her feelings about Logan from her mind. Because all of this felt familiar. It felt good to have a full house.
Fuller even than normal.
Ryder and Sammy were here, of course. Then there was Iris, Pansy, West, his half brother Emmett and the rodeo boys.
It was customary for them to all bring their presents and dump them under the tree at this point, and everyone had done so. Rose felt bad because she didn’t have anything yet. She had been way too wrapped up in the newness of her relationship with Logan.
There were gifts beginning to collect under the tree. Logan hadn’t brought any because he never did. He never, ever participated in opening presents on Christmas. Never gave any and never wanted to receive any. But she wanted so badly to give him something, and she didn’t know if it was the right thing to do.
She began to obsess about it. Got consumed by it. She downed half a bag of chips without even enjoying it.
She loved having everyone home. She really did. She was annoyed with herself, beyond annoyed that she was obsessing about Logan. And the fact that they couldn’t just sit together. That she couldn’t just ask him about the present. That she didn’t know how to interact with him in front of everybody without giving them away. And that she wasn’t sure she even wanted to, because it felt stupid to be near him and not be able to touch him.
It felt stupid to be hiding like this. Except, if everybody knew, then they would just react like Pansy. And it was maybe even dumber to let everybody know what was happening, because it wasn’t like...
She thought of her own words.
To what end?
They had quit thinking about that. Or, at least she had. She had shunted it off to the side, but the whole conversation with Pansy had brought her back around to it.
The idea that she might have feelings for him that she didn’t want.
The idea that when things ended between them it would ruin the family.
And if both of those things were true... And what would it do to her?
She squeezed her eyes shut, and they felt scratchy and painful. So did her lungs. So did her heart.
After dinner they all went into the living room and ate pie, and she knew that she should be comforted by all of the talking and laughing going on around her.
But she was just... She was just so preoccupied.
Suddenly, the hair on her arm stood on end, and she looked and saw that Logan was watching her. Coming closer to her. She shifted uncomfortably, and then he sat down next to her on the couch.
“What are you doing?” she asked, keeping her voice low. No one was watching them.
“I’m sitting next to you.”
“Why?”
“Because I haven’t talked to you all night. And I don’t like it.”
She blushed. She could feel it. Could feel it flooding her cheeks, making her feel hot. “Yeah, but...”
“It isn’t normal for me to not talk to you,” he said, his voice full of gravity.
“Yeah, I guess not.”
“Have you done all your Christmas shopping yet?”
“No,” she said. His bringing up Christmas shopping made
