‘She’s anything but alright,’ Mrs Babbage frowns. ‘Far from it.’ She stands back. ‘But she wants to see you. She’s in the drawing room.’
I’m guided through a hallway, given just enough time to register the black and white tiled floor, the pale cream walls adorned with watercolours, before we’re quickly ushered into a vast, richly furnished drawing room. There’s a fire burning in the hearth and even though it’s daytime, every single antique lamp and light has been switched on, blazing out illumination: a desperate attempt, I’m sure, to keep the shadows at bay. Still in her dressing gown, Lily’s curled up in one corner of a huge, overstuffed modern sofa. She raises her head, stunning me with her appearance. Her hair’s a mess and yesterday’s make-up hasn’t yet been removed. Stripped bare of her usual armour, she seems strangely vulnerable. I take a seat next to her, and hold her hand.
‘How are you?’ Dan asks.
He stands by the fireplace, observing his friend. She wipes her nose on the sleeve of her dressing gown and shakes her head.
‘I don’t know.’
‘I’m sorry you got dragged into this.’
Fighting back tears, she gives him a contemptuous smile.
‘Well, maybe if I’d known what was really going on, I might have been more careful.’
‘Maybe.’
‘I might have told you about him. I might have checked him out. I might have put two and two together, but I didn’t. I couldn’t, because you told me nothing. And I told him everything. I thought I could trust him.’
Silence ensues. While Lily gives in to the tears, Dan chews at his bottom lip, trying to come up with the right words. At last, he speaks again.
‘I know you’re angry with me, Lil, but I couldn’t tell you the truth. There was too much at stake. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. I should have …’
‘I’m not angry with you,’ she interrupts, wiping her nose again. ‘Not really. I’m more angry with myself.’
‘Don’t be. You’re not the only one he conned. He tried it on with Maya’s sister.’
She looks at me.
‘He did?’
‘Yes,’ I confirm. ‘A while ago. It didn’t last long.’
Her eyes flicker.
‘But this went on for months,’ she murmurs. ‘Months. I let him in and he lied to me. He wasn’t who I thought he was.’
I squeeze her hand.
‘Did he hurt you?’ I ask.
‘Only in here.’ She places a shaky index finger on her forehead. Pulling her hand out of mine, she wraps her arms around herself. ‘I’ve been so stupid. He tried to kill Dan, he tried to take you, and it was all my fault. I let him sweet-talk me, and all along he was using me. Do you know how that makes you feel?’ She draws in a breath. ‘I feel …’
She silences herself, but I know she’s got more to say.
I turn to Dan.
‘Can you leave us alone for a few minutes?’
He seems confused.
‘Please. Just a few minutes.’
He looks from me to Lily, then nods and leaves the room.
‘That word, Lily. You can say it now.’
She gazes at me, slowly working up to the moment.
‘Violated,’ she says at last, barely audible now. ‘I feel violated.’ She swallows, and it’s a few seconds before she can go on. ‘I feel like he’s taken a piece of me, just taken it, because he lied and used me, and because …’
She stifles a sob and stares into space. I reach up, moving a strand of hair away from her face, and wait. When the next words finally arrive, quietly laying out her confession, they floor me.
‘He had this thing. He wanted to play games. Role-play. Him forcing himself on me. At least I thought they were games. Now, I’m not so sure. I feel …’ she hesitates, ‘as if he did it for real. Is that stupid?’
‘No.’
‘Was he like that with you?’
‘No. Just controlling. But when I finished with him ...’
She makes eye contact, and I know I don’t have to go on. She understands.
‘He didn’t get the chance,’ I explain. ‘But I felt the same. He’d taken a piece of me too.’ I hold her hand again. ‘When I look at you now, I see me a few years back. Empty, hopeless, scared. I ran away and hid, went into self-destruct mode, and he did that to me. Boyd did that. Whatever self-esteem I had left, he crushed it, sapped every last bit of strength I had. But you know what? It didn’t need to be that way.’
‘It didn’t?’
I shake my head.
‘I could have chosen to come out fighting, but I didn’t, and I lost three years of my life because of it. I don’t want to see you destroyed. No woman should ever be destroyed by a man. I want to see you fight your way out of it because you owe it to yourself.’
‘I need to fight?’ It’s partly a question, partly a half-hearted statement. She doesn’t seem entirely convinced by my speech. Perhaps I should add on a little extra.
‘I’m going to need you, Lily.’
‘Why?’
‘Because we’re getting married next summer.’
She nods, plays with the cord on her dressing gown.
‘And I’m having a baby.’
The fingers come to a halt. Her lips twitch, threatening to break into a smile.
‘He doesn’t know yet.’ I glance at the door. ‘So, don’t say a word. It’s early days. I’ve only just found out. This is between you and me for now. I’m only telling you because I want you to be godmother.’ I give her a moment to take in the news. ‘So, do whatever you need to do. Fight back, and don’t lose any of your life to this.’
‘But I don’t know where to start.’
And I’m the last person who should be giving advice.
‘Get
