Although now I’m not wearing much, it sometimes feels restricting compared to before, and I have to admit dancing in a show has taken some getting used to, but I love it. It’s a burlesque show with a modern twist. I dance, I pick my songs, and I look sexy, but I don’t take my clothes off.
The best thing was I didn’t have to let Allegro down as this was a secondary adventure of hers, which actually turned out to be her primary one after it took off. The number of people who come to see our show is so much more than we expected it would be, and that means we’re mostly sold out. There’s something about the fact we don’t remove our clothes which suddenly makes women feel like it’s okay to come see us. We’ve gone mainstream. I giggle at my thoughts as I leave the stage.
“You were fab,” Helena rushes out, greeting me at the side of the stage with Noah.
“Hey, guys, what are you doing here?” I ask with a smile as I walk past them and reach for my dress slipping it over my head.
Helena gave up dancing about six months ago when, sadly, her nan passed away. Then her grandad gifted a lump sum of money to her, and she opted to push forward with the tattooing and partnered up with Sam, the owner of Eternal Sin Ink. So, now she owns half of it. She and Noah have been going strong for the last year, and he and I still dance together, thankfully. I have to say, he’s become much better.
“We were having a date night, and I suggested coming here to watch you and the others,” Helena explains.
“Well, it’s nice to see you. I feel like we’re strangers as you’re hardly ever home these days.” A look of guilt flashes across her face, and I frown. “You okay?”
“I’m great. You free tomorrow? I thought we could have a girly night?” she questions.
“Sure,” I offer.
“Well, we’re done for now, we’ve seen the show. You want a ride home?”
I look over the two of them, soppy in love, and I don’t want to be a third wheel. “I’m fine, thanks. I have some things to do before I leave anyway,” I tell them.
“We can wait,” offers Noah, and Helena nods.
I love that I have them in my life, and I know I’m lucky to have friends like these two.
“No. You go, I’ll be fine,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Okay, if you’re sure?” Hel questions.
“Yes, go!” I smile, pushing at her shoulder.
“Okay.” She laughs. “I’ll be staying at Noah’s, but I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what time I’m coming over.”
I nod, and they leave. It’s not until they’ve gone that I think about her words. She’ll call and let me know what time she’s coming over? It’s her apartment, too, she has a key and a room. I guess since she spends so little time at home now, she’s forgotten.
Slowly, with a heavy heart, my legs pull me toward the changing rooms. Gathering all my stuff and packing my bag, my mind accepts what I’ve been trying not to think about. Helena is going to move out. I know why she wants a girly night tomorrow. She’s constantly at Noah’s place these days and has mentioned him decorating with her input. He loves her, and she sees her future in his eyes. I want this for them, I want this for her. I won’t be jealous, or think about… him.
“You want me to call you a cab?” Hammond, one of the bouncers, asks me.
“No. I’m going to call a friend. Thanks.”
I pull out my phone and send a quick text.
Me: Ritchie, I’m ready, if you still want to meet?
I watch as the three little dots come to life on my screen telling me he’s replying.
Ritchie: Be there in 5.
I met Ritchie about seven months ago. He asked me out on a date, and I accepted. Helena said I needed to move on, but it was when Toby told me to let go of Isaac that I listened. However, it was pretty clear I wasn’t ready, so I called things off. We only had three dates, but I was honest with him about why I wanted to stop dating him, explaining about Isaac and how I was still hurting. Lucky for me, Ritchie understood, but he didn’t leave my life completely. He said he was going to stick by me as a friend, and if I was ever ready for more, he would be there.
I see him every so often. Yesterday he called and asked if we could meet up. I told him I was working, and he offered to collect me afterwards. I haven’t seen him for about nine weeks, which is the longest we’ve gone. I’m a shitty friend, and I know it. He always instigates our friend dates. I never call him and ask to meet up.
The problem is, and will always be, Isaac. I think he broke me beyond repair. When he left, he took a piece of me with him, and without it, I’ll never be fixed, I’ll never be whole. I don’t think I’m capable of love because the piece he took was my heart.
Now he’s gone again. He’s been gone for ten months.
I should have expected it. Once I found out what he was, some spy, soldier, killing machine, whatever, it all slotted into place—his disappearances, his demeanour, him keeping me at arm’s length.
The thing that really hurt was how he played with my heart, and how he made me believe in him, in us…
