39. Bre
Boyz II Men’s "It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" was playing in the background of the church. I was dressed in all black with oversized black shades on. The church was beyond packed with people coming to pay their respects. There were family, friends, people from the neighborhood, and some who remembered him because they crossed paths at some point in life. This day felt so surreal, and it didn’t seem real at all. It had been almost two weeks since I’ve gotten that dreadful call, but surprisingly I was fine for the most part. Yeah, there were times when I cried, but most of the tears came from the pain my daughter will feel once she learned that her father was no longer here, and barely knew him.
“At this time, we will have Bre Allen, the mother of Jemar’s beautiful baby girl, Jenelle, come sing a song requested by Chasity.” The pastor announced. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I placed my hand on the back of the pew that was in front of me and breathed. I felt a hand on top of my mine and saw Chasity smile at me. She was encouraging me with her eyes. I know how much this meant to her because she asked once we started making Jemar’s funeral arrangements. While Jenelle and I were visiting her, she heard me singing Jenelle to sleep and said I had the perfect voice to sing at the funeral. I wanted to object, but it was hard because I didn’t want to tell her no. She had just lost her son, and the only thing she had left was a granddaughter that she was estranged from. She knew she couldn’t replace Jemar with Jenelle, or get back whatever time she lost with him through her either. That motivated me to get up, knowing everybody in the church was watching me and probably already making assumptions about who they thought I was and how I was feeling. I was fine. I swear, I am.
“I’m going to keep my shades if y’all don’t mind,” I said once I grabbed the microphone up at the front of the church. Chasity spared no expenses to give Jemar a beautiful and memorable homegoing. I can’t lie, it was beautiful, and Jemar’s glossy white casket was top of the line with silver handles. Jemar looked so peaceful in his all-white suit laying on top of a white velvet cushion. His line up was clean and fresh, as well as his goatee. His casket was now closed, and I didn’t walk up to view the body because I couldn’t see him like that up close. However, my seat was on the second pew, and although I tried not to look at him, I saw him before they closed it. Chasity placed photos of his family and pictures of him and Nelle, around his casket, and some all-white flower arrangements. I couldn’t believe this was my last time seeing him and seeing him like this. This shit hurt, but I was still strong. I stood in front of the band she hired, and I had a chance to rehearse with them, so they knew how to play accordingly. I was singing the instrumental of a track, but they would adlib some sounds with their instruments. I nodded my head to the funeral director to start the music. Madison Ryann Ward’s “Mirror” started to play. It’s funny how Chasity picked a song that matched so well with my vocals. I lowkey sounded like the artist, but I definitely had my own sound. I sang the first verse for effortlessly, but the second verse, sent tears running down my face, and I didn’t even care. I continued to sing, and I could tell the crowd was really feeling it.
Now we both know
But we act so unaware
It just goes to show
Our love isn’t fair
Tomorrow’s never promised
Only yesterday’s a guarantee
And if I’m being honest, yeah baby
That’s the only thing that carries me
We’re out of time
We gotta find peace of mind
And understand that
Maybe we never can
So keep me in your mirror
But don’t take your eyes off the road
Holding on won’t get us any nearer
‘Cause we got a long way to go
Sometimes it’s hard to see
That some things just won’t be
I finished with a few adlibs then ended the songs. The entire church clapped, and Chasity actually got up from her seat with tears in her eyes.
“Thank you,” I said then made my way back to my seat. Chasity stopped me and came close to hug me. I hugged her back because I knew she needed it. I need it too. After I sat back down in my seat, I felt a hand on my shoulder. He squeezed my shoulder, but I couldn’t turn around to face him.
∞∞∞
“Did you ever find out what happened to him?" Keisha asked as we sat at a table.
“Not really, it’s still an open investigation. I told his mother that he told me that he had a move to make, but he didn’t tell me any specifics. Somewhere from the time he got off the phone with me to when it got to his destination, something happened that left him killed.” I started to tear up just thinking about what Chasity told me about Jemar’s murder. Wherever he went, there had to be some kind of altercation that left him shot multiple times in the chest. The people who did it was courteous to take him to the hospital but dropped his body off before entering the hospital’s grounds. Jemar sadly bled to death and could’ve possibly been saved if the medics would’ve been aware that he was on their grounds.
“You okay?” Keisha asked me. I asked her to come with me since I didn’t want my family to attend, and they didn’t want me to go alone. I didn’t bring Jenelle because I didn’t want her to see her dad like that. I knew
