I sighed. “I asked him the same thing once. He told me it was just a way to pass the time, but I knew he was full of it. I still don’t really know why. I hate to think that it was all about the money.”
Kash gave me a strange look and I returned it. He coughed a little laugh and looked away, then gave me a disbelieving little grin. “You really don’t know?”
I shook my head. “You do?”
“Of course I do.”
“Tell me?”
He shook his head. “Not yet. Not until we figure this out.”
“Oh, come on, you’re bribing me with a mystery? That’s not fair!”
“Of course it isn’t fair. It’s strategy. Using your greatest weakness against you to get you motivated.”
I almost got mad, but I couldn’t. He looked so adorably proud of himself.
“Okay, you win. We’ll figure something out. But not tonight. All I want to think about tonight is crawling into my bed.”
“What a coincidence! All I want to think about is crawling into your bed, too.”
“Oh, shut up.” I said it with gusto, but I could feel myself blushing and I was glad that the moon had gone behind a cloud again. Because, honestly, how did we get here again? Just a fraction of a second ago, it felt like I was doing the smart thing and protecting my heart. And now, well, now it feels like I’m doing the smarter thing and letting him in again. After all, it’s not like Kash left me because he wanted to. It’s also not like he forgot about me or what we were – what we still are – to each other.
Chapter 9
The lights were off when I got home, but I still made Kash stop at the tree line. Even though I was sure Dad was passed out by now, I didn’t want to take any chances. I knew my dad loved me, but sometimes that love felt more frightening than anyone else’s hatred.
I looked over my shoulder at Kash until his frame melted into the shadows, then kept looking as I walked up to the door. I might not be able to see him, but he would see me—I wanted him to know that he was still on my mind. Always on my mind.
I fumbled with the knob a little more than I should have, my head and heart all dizzy with joy and relief, a giddiness only barely restrained by the knowledge that I still didn’t have all the pieces to this puzzle. In that moment, I didn’t care. For the first time in forever, I was riding high on loving feelings, and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy every minute of it.
As soon as I stepped through the door, a light came on in my face and Dad lurched at me.
“Look who decided to stumble in!”
Startled, I screamed.
“Shut up! Where the hell were you?” He squinted at me with one eye, his other eye stuck together with sleep boogers. He jutted out his chin, emphasizing his underbite as he glared at me. I could smell the alcohol seeping from his pores, soaking his shirt and waistband with the pungent, depressing odor. I turned my back to him as I took off my shoes to give myself time to stifle the smile which seemed to be permanently affixed to my face.
“I went for a walk,” I said lightly.
“Don’t talk back to me! Where did you go? Who did you go with?”
I paused, irritated, and gave him a questioning look.
“Well?” he demanded.
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you want an answer? Because I was under the impression that you didn’t want me talking back to you.”
He tensed like he wanted to hit me, and I crossed my arms, silently daring him to do it. I was sick of his shit and he knew it. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists on either side of his head, sucking a breath in through big, flared nostrils covered in broken capillaries, then blew it out.
“I want answers,” he said flatly.
“Okay. The house was a little stuffy and more than a little too loud for my liking, so I went for a walk to the cemetery.”
His eyes flew open and the sticky one twitched. He tensed up again. “What the hell were you doing there at this time of night?! You got some creepy boyfriend who gets off on dead people?”
“God, dad, gross. No, I don’t have some creepy boyfriend who gets off on dead people. Where do you even come up with this kinda stuff?” I shuddered, shaking off the imagery before it could take on a life of its own. The last thing I needed was to get caught fantasizing about Kash while Dad was lecturing.
I sighed. “I went to see Hunter, okay? I talk to him sometimes when I’m feeling lonely or conf -”
Dad’s fist connected with the wall so hard that it sank into the drywall up to his wrist. I snapped my mouth shut and froze, my gaze fixed on the hole. He pulled his hand out slowly, letting bits of bloodied sheetrock trickle off his knuckles.
“That’s sick,” he said sourly. “Your brother is dead. You talk to him, you’re talking to yourself. Just like you were doing when you were writing to that idiot Kash.”
Indignation broke through my fear and flashed over my face before I could stop it.
“What? What’s the matter? You gonna defend that punk? He’s the reason you’re making yourself crazy in the middle of the goddamn night! God, I swear it’s all the same with you females, get a little good dick and you’re useless. Absolutely fucking useless!”
“That’s not—”
“Not what, Daisy, huh? That’s not what
