Tillie nodded.
“Breakfast in ten.” Her mother smiled and Tillie stopped obsessing over what everyone was going to say at church. Going was making her mamm happy, and that’s all that mattered. Though she did worry just a bit.
She took the borrowed clothing back into her bedroom and started to undress. Christmas was two weeks away exactly, which meant that after this morning, the next service would happen on Christmas. And as much as she dreaded going today, she was sort of looking forward to church on Christmas Day. In her entire life she never remembered that happening. Church and Christmas and all her family there. All but Leah, Jamie, and Peter. It was good for them, but a little sad to Tillie that her sister had joined the Mennonite church. She had such fond memories of sitting next to her, sometimes between Leah and Hannah, sometimes not, as they waited for church to be over. At the time they were old enough to know that they needed to be paying attention, and they did their best, but three hours was a long time even if it was broken up with songs and prayer.
The soft purple dress slipped easily over her head and adequately covered her midsection. The fabric smoothed over her like a caress, like the touch of an old friend, even though she had never worn this particular dress before. But being back in Amish clothes felt good, proper. As if she had made the right decision by coming back. Even if she couldn’t stay.
To say it hadn’t been easy to walk away and leave the new life that she had built with Melvin behind was an understatement. Yet as hard as that was, she knew English life wasn’t for her. Returning in shame hadn’t been a cakewalk either. But she was here now. And going to church. She just wished Melvin was here too.
She pulled her hair down from its simple bob and refixed it into the style she had worn for most of her life. Then she pinned her prayer kapp into place. Slipped into a pair of thick black stockings. Her church shoes were in the closet where she had left them. She put them on when instead she really wanted to wear her black lace-up boots. They were much more comfortable. Or maybe it was an act of rebellion.
Once her outfit was complete, she turned in front of the mirror to view herself from every angle. Anyone who hadn’t heard the news that she had returned was going to be in for a big surprise. The thought made her giggle, though it shouldn’t have. There would be those who would say that they always knew she was going to end up with a shamed life. That running around with Melvin Yoder had been her first mistake. Let them talk. She was here now, doing her best to make amends. No one could fault her for that.
A light knock sounded on the door just a moment before her mother peeked her head inside. “All set?”
Was she? “Jah,” Tillie said, though she wasn’t entirely convinced that she was telling the truth. She needed to be all set. This was going to be her life from here on out. With any luck though, most people would be too busy during the meal after church talking about Christmas and all the things they had planned to notice Tillie Gingerich and her new, altered state.
That would never happen.
But the thought was nice.
Her mother slipped a hand around her shoulders and pulled her into a one-armed hug. Tillie met her mother’s gaze in the mirror’s reflection.
“I’m sorry,” she said, tears stinging her eyes. “I never meant to cause you shame.”
Mamm kissed her high on the forehead. “Hush that. You may have made mistakes, but once you ask for forgiveness then all will be forgiven.”
But not forgotten. Never truly forgotten.
And without Melvin . . .
“Jah,” Tillie managed. She wasn’t sure what else to say. Without Melvin at her side she wouldn’t be allowed to remain. What did she think was going to happen? That she would ask forgiveness and then be allowed to raise her child, the only single mother among the Pontotoc Amish? Single and never widowed. Even if by some chance that happened, she would be permanently shamed. She knew. Parents would point at her and warn their children about the perils of the English world.
No. She just needed Melvin to care enough to come after her.
And stay.
It seemed like with all the trials she faced her plan would be a little more involved. But God had a plan. That much she could be sure about. What that plan could be was a different matter altogether.
* * *
Levi shifted in his seat and tried not to appear too uncomfortable. But at times like this all he could think about was being back at home. It shamed him to think that he couldn’t stay among his friends without wanting to escape. He wondered when those feelings would end.
Strawberry Dan droned on and on about the dangers of the world and the decisions and the mistakes that people made.
Levi did his best to absorb God’s word, but it felt like the sentences were flying over his head, missing him entirely. It was a fanciful notion, but it seemed that’s where he spent most of his time, in those crazy thoughts that sometimes had him worrying about his own self. Time, everyone said. He needed time to adjust, to mourn, to come to terms with everything and all the changes that had happened in his life. It would be better after the holidays, better once Christmas had passed. Better when there was more time between now and the tragedy. But time always seemed to drag on more slowly each day, each hour, each minute. Or maybe he was just tired.
He hadn’t slept well in weeks, months. Not since Mary had stood up from the rocking chair on their front porch and collapsed into
