Tears stung his eyes. He blinked them back, ashamed that he had allowed his mind to wander so much during church. He was supposed to be receiving God’s word, and every time he came to church he prayed for understanding. Still it hadn’t come.
And Strawberry Dan continued to talk about the dangers outside their community.
Levi had never been tempted by the English world, never thought once about it. Maybe because he had Mary. But even now he had no desire to leave, though today could be the perfect day to preach on the subject.
It wasn’t often, but times did arrive when the sermon didn’t quite pertain to him. And it made it harder to sit and listen and be patient and not just walk out. An unforgivable thing to do.
That seemed to be where he lived these days. On the line between acceptable and not acceptable. He supposed he still had his reasons. It had only been two months since he lost Mary and the baby. But that two months would soon be three and then four and then enough time that any transgressions that he had, any eccentric behavior that he displayed, would not be as easily forgiven.
He shifted in his seat and let his gaze wander across the room to where the ladies sat. He had always found it a bit of a distraction to sit opposite the women of the district. Or maybe it was just sitting opposite Mary. He would look over and see her, and she was always enthralled by what was being said. Or maybe she was merely obliged to be interested. Then, as if she knew he was looking at her, she would turn to him. She would give him a little smile. He would smile back. Then she would look away, look down at her lap, lean a little closer to her mother, and the moment would be broken.
His gaze stopped at the spot where Mary used to sit. Tillie Gingerich. He knew her, sort of. Though he almost didn’t recognize her. She was David Gingerich’s younger sister. He and David were good friends, or they had been before Levi had married. David had never married, and consequently they no longer hung with the same crowd. Was it easier never to have loved at all? And he wondered why David had never married. It was much easier to think about that than his own troubles. David had always been a little slow. Levi thought he had some trouble reading, but he was a good man with a good heart. He had his own land, worked with his father and brother at the shed company, and otherwise had a good and godly life. Levi had never understood why David remained a bachelor. Maybe he hadn’t found the girl for him. Or maybe he wanted to avoid the chance at the heartache that was now Levi’s very existence.
But this was Tillie. He didn’t know her that well. As well as he knew anyone in Pontotoc. It was a small community. He knew she was the youngest of the children. She ran with Melvin Yoder, no relation to him that anyone could remember, and a few months back, he couldn’t remember when, she had run off with Melvin so he could build engines and fix cars in the English world. If she was back, Levi supposed that hadn’t worked out so well. But he hadn’t seen Melvin. Not that it mattered.
Melvin had always liked to fix engines. Some of the gas-powered engines that they were allowed to use. But in their conservative community there weren’t many. A man couldn’t make a living out of repairing engines alone. Even Levi couldn’t make a living out of just leatherwork. He still farmed peanuts and soybeans. He didn’t have a big crop; just enough to keep his family going. It was the way with most of the Amish in the area. They had their little shops, farming, a special trade like leatherwork or furniture making. All those things together made for a successful farm. Levi shifted his gaze to the men in front of him. He was seated in about the middle, so there were just as many behind him as in front, but he didn’t see Melvin Yoder among those before him. He could just as easily be behind, or still back in the English world. Levi wondered.
It wasn’t that it mattered, but thinking about other people kept his mind off his own problems.
His gaze wandered back toward Tillie Gingerich. He wasn’t sure why she drew his attention again, but there she was. As if sensing his stare, she looked to him. Her hazel eyes were questioning. She didn’t smile like his Mary would’ve done. She merely looked away. The moment was further broken when they were asked to stand, kneel, and pray.
It was the last prayer before they were dismissed. It was cool outside, so everyone would meet in the barn to have their after-church meal, not that Levi was staying. He was headed out just as soon as the crowd started milling around.
Time, that was what he needed. Time. And to leave as soon as he could. With any luck he could scoot away when everyone was talking and milling around before they ate and no one would miss him. Not even Mims.
That wasn’t true. He had other family that would wonder where he had disappeared to—a grandfather, a father, and a mother. And there wasn’t much at all his sister missed.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Levi stopped and closed his eyes, then he turned to face Mims. “I’m going to get my horse.” He should leave it at that, get his horse, hitch her to the buggy, and get out of there while he still could. But he couldn’t handle the disappointment in Mims’s eyes. He loved his sister; he didn’t
