She didn’t need to say the rest, that she would be shunned in their small community. Even though Tillie hadn’t joined the church, the community would frown heavily upon her wandering from her faith and all the lessons that she had been taught in her life.
“I suppose,” Tillie finally said. “I mean, I’m hoping he’ll change his mind now that I’m here.” And that was something. Her mamm had no idea how hard it had been to walk away from her job, the apartment where she lived with Melvin, and Melvin himself. But she’d had to. Even if she might not get to stay in Pontotoc. If she was to stay, Melvin would have to come back and the two of them would have to get married. It was as simple as that.
But with all the Christmas celebrations going around, Tillie had longed for home. She longed for her family, the traditions and people, the church where she felt loved. Home. And she knew that she had to return. For the baby. She wanted her child raised among the grace and faith of her Amish community. Even though what she wanted and what she could have were literally worlds apart.
When she told Melvin her plans, he scoffed. Maybe he even thought she was joking. That’s why she had left in the middle of the morning, while he was at work, and made her way back to Pontotoc.
Her mother smiled, the same smile Tillie had traveled miles and miles to see. “Yes,” she said. “You’re here. Now,” she continued, “let’s see about getting you something to eat.” She started to stand, but Tillie reached out a hand and laid it on top of her mother’s.
“I’m—I’m sorry,” Tillie said. Nothing else seemed to fit, but the words themselves were sadly lacking. She was sorry for so many things—for leaving in the dead of night, for going against the Ordnung, for coming home in shame.
But the one thing she couldn’t be sorry about was the baby itself. It was a miracle. Not in the Biblical sense, but a miracle nonetheless. A life was growing inside her, a life that she and Melvin had made. She was sorry that they hadn’t gotten married yet, but he always seemed too busy. Honestly, she thought the friends he had made at the garage had talked him out of marrying her.
And that was another thing she was sorry for: Melvin had changed.
Maybe she had too. But now all she wanted was to return home, be among her family, and spend Christmas in their loving embrace.
“I know, dear.” Mamm patted her hand and made her way to the icebox. She pulled out a couple of containers of leftovers, dumped them out in two separate stainless steel pans, then lit the stove.
Mamm turned back to face her. Tillie tried to smile, but the action wouldn’t come. She was tired. So very tired. It had taken her hours to get home, though it was only about an hour and a half by car between Pontotoc and Columbus. “It’s not going to be easy, you know.”
Tillie nodded. It was already difficult. Seeing the shame on her father’s face, the shock on her brothers’ faces. Only Anna had worn a sympathetic look. But that was Jim’s Anna, always worried about the person next to her.
“I know,” she said. “But—” She stopped.
“But what?” Mamm prodded.
“I had to come home.”
Steaming pots forgotten, Mamm crossed over to her and placed her hands on either side of her face. She tilted Tillie’s chin up until she had no choice but to look and listen, much like Mamm had done when Tillie was a child.
“You are home,” Mamm said emphatically. “Never forget that.”
* * *
After eating almost more leftovers than she could hold, Tillie donned her army coat and went out onto the porch. She loved sitting on the swing with her cousin Gracie, talking about boys and cooking and quilting and all the other things that young girls talk about.
“Tillie?” Libby eased the screen door open but stopped before letting it shut behind her. “Can I . . . can I come out and sit with you?”
Tillie smiled. “Of course.” She scooched over and patted the seat next to her. She gave Libby an encouraging nod, though she really just wanted to be alone. She supposed there would be time for that later. Right now her niece seemed to have something on her mind.
Libby sat down next to her and tears once again filled Tillie’s eyes. She missed her sisters so much. They had just come back to Pontotoc to live when Melvin had decided he had had enough of Amish living. What choice had she had but to go? She had loved him, after all—though now she wondered about that love. Was it really love if the person didn’t seem to love you in return? She had thought he did, but things change. People change. Melvin changed, until she hardly knew him at all. But that wasn’t the reason she had come home. No, it was Christmas. The chill in the air, everyone talking about buying gifts and wrapping them. All the ladies at the day care wanted to talk about their Christmas trees and when they were going to put them up. Those who didn’t know her well also didn’t know that she was Amish. She didn’t have a Christmas tree or lights or ornaments. No stockings of red and white, no Christmas music, no singing Santa or dancing Grinch, the weird, green creature that didn’t seem like Christmas to her at all. She had none of these things.
Up until that moment it had been easy to pretend that she belonged in the English world. Sure, she’d had to buy all her clothes at Goodwill, and sometimes she didn’t match things up just right, but she was trying her best to fit in. Then came all the talk of
