How much longer before people stopped looking at him like he was something to be pitied? How long before he stopped feeling like a walking sack of grief? Who knew?
Just another reason why he hated to come to town.
But they had spotted him. Jason moved from in front of the coffeepot and the men stood and waited for him to come near.
What choice did he have? Levi recovered his steps and started toward the station. On the way he passed an endcap of Christmas lights and another with some sort of inflatable creatures to place on the front lawn. A reindeer, a Santa, and a snowman. Like there was any snow in Northeast Mississippi. Not this early in the year, and hardly ever enough to build a snowman. Then he passed a dancing Santa that moved to its own music every time someone walked by it. A dancing Santa. Why was that necessary in a feed store? It wasn’t. Just like all the strands of shiny garland that looped and swooped around the ceiling. Or the silver and gold snowflakes that hung from fishing line and paper clips. None of it needed to be there, and it only served to remind him that they were gone.
Mary. And the baby he never got to hold.
Gone in an instant.
“Levi.”
One of the men spoke. He wasn’t paying attention as to who it was. He just wanted to get his cup of coffee and back away to allow them to finish their conversation on Thomas Byler’s carriage mare or the weather, or Strawberry Dan’s last boring sermon. Whatever it was that they had been talking about before he arrived and everyone’s day was shattered with sadness.
Levi nodded in their general direction, poured himself a Styrofoam cup full of coffee, and wandered away without making eye contact with any of them. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want them to ask him how he was doing. He answered those questions every day, every time they had church or he had to run into town to get supplies. Each day when at least one of the good members of their community came to visit, bringing food and company he did not want. The lies were weighing heavy on him. People asked, but they didn’t want to know the truth. They didn’t want to know that he was having a hard time accepting what all would say was God’s will.
God’s will. He almost snorted coffee up his nose at the thought. Thankfully it slid down his throat instead and saved him from drawing all their attention once again.
He had been taught that the Lord controls all things. That He has a plan and His will would prevail. The idea of God’s will seemed perfectly logical when talking about other people’s problems. He had even been able to accept that it was the reason for his brother Daniel’s death. But not this. Not his Mary and his baby.
And lying to everyone when they asked him how he fared and telling them that he was good and God’s will would shine through made him choke. How could the death of an innocent who had yet to draw a first breath be a part of God’s will? What kind of God would will that? None that he wanted to follow. Which stood to reason that God’s will wasn’t a part of Mary’s death. Something else. Maybe punishment for a crime of his youth. He didn’t know. He only knew that it couldn’t be God. If it was . . . heaven help them all.
He took another sip of his coffee and unbuttoned his coat. It was warm in the store. Or maybe it was the eyes that watched him that had him warm beyond normal. He knew they meant well. And normally he would have been able to handle it. But not while surrounded by blow-up snowmen and dancing Santas.
Without looking at the other men, he headed back to the counter. A small bell sat next to the cash register and was used to summon a clerk, mostly Tyrone, if he wasn’t right there already.
Levi tapped the bell with more vigor than he had intended. Tyrone appeared in an instant.
“Something wrong?” the man asked without hesitation.
Had he rang the bell that urgently? No matter. “No. Jah. My order,” he finally managed. “Double it.” Then for sure he wouldn’t have to come back into town before the Christmas celebrating was over and done.
* * *
Levi managed to avoid the four men, as well as the two others who came into the feed store while he waited for his increased order.
Just after he had asked for the extra supplies, he had second thoughts. It would eat up a lot of his savings, and with too much feed on hand he would run the risk of rats getting into it. Or moisture and mold. But it was done and he wasn’t changing his mind now. He just stayed to the side and out of the way, hoping that no one noticed him there.
He listened in while the men talked but didn’t join their conversation. He had nothing to say about a new mare, an old bull, or the fact that Melvin Yoder’s girlfriend had returned without him.
He remembered when they had left. Sort of. Levi was a little older than Melvin and Tillie, the girlfriend, but he knew her brother, David. They were in school together, and in the same youth group. He had spent many a summer afternoon at the pond behind the Gingeriches’ house fishing and lolling about in the sun. But that had been before a sweet girl named Mary Byler had captured Levi’s attention and stolen his heart away.
He swung up into his wagon and snapped the reins
