Chapter Twelve
There were too many people.
Tillie tried to find a corner that was a little out of the way, but everywhere she went there was someone. Baby Samuel, her cousin, her brother, always someone. It was nothing more than a family holiday get-together, but she couldn’t get a moment alone.
She braced her back against the wall and faced the room as a whole. She stared out over the sea of smiling, laughing faces. Christmastime seemed to bring out the joy in most everyone. How could it not? It was maybe the best holiday of the year. And knowing it was coming sure made the cold weather easier to bear. But this year Tillie didn’t feel quite the same about Christmas. Not now anyway. There were too many things at stake, too much to think about. Too many mistakes.
After the bishop had left, Tillie had cried for a bit, then pulled herself together. She had made mistakes, shameful, shameful mistakes. But they were done and now she had to live with them. And as much as she hoped and prayed that Amos Raber would go to Ethridge to talk to the leaders in their parent community and come home with the perfect solution for what she was to do to get back in the good graces of God and the church, she knew that wasn’t going to happen. They would demand that she marry Melvin. They would demand that he come back. They would demand a confession in front of the church, a kneeling confession while they laid their sins out for all to see. There was just one really big problem with that. She knew in her heart of hearts that Melvin was never coming back to Pontotoc. She’d been there almost a week and he hadn’t come after her yet. A sad little part of her wondered if he knew that she was even gone. Even as impossible as it was, the thought made her breath clog in her chest in a knot that seemed to grow with every bit of air she tried to take in. She hated Christmas, she decided. She hated the party. She hated it all.
Again she searched the happy faces of the people around her. Her whole family had turned out, from Mammi Glick all the way to Leah and her new family. David, Jim and Anna and all their kids, everyone. And everyone there was happy.
Everyone but her.
And why? Because the whole idea was pointless, having a party to welcome her back home. She was never going to be allowed back into the community. Not without Melvin and wedding vows. And if she was never going to be allowed to return, what was she doing there now? Torturing herself? Torturing her family? Prolonging the inevitable?
She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to get out of there. She swung herself off the wall and out the door. She thought she heard someone call her name, or maybe they were just talking about her. After all, she was the talk of the community. But going from one room to the next was not enough. The dining room was as crowded as the living room was; doubly so. She couldn’t stay any longer. Without a second thought, she wrenched open the front door. She hurried across the porch, down the steps, then started up the long drive.
Her thoughts tumbled over themselves. She had to get away. She was never going to survive in Pontotoc. Melvin was never coming after her. She would never be allowed to join the Amish church. And they would not allow her to stay in her conservative community as a single mother. Her family was shamed. It was all her fault and the stupid choices she had made. The weight of it was more than she could bear. She just had to get away.
She walked with no particular direction in mind. Just away.
Away.
The word echoed inside her head. She had to get away. Away from her family. Away from Christmas. Away from everything that she loved.
Her tears started, hard and wet, leaving streaks where they ran. They were silent tears. Some sad, some angry. But the anger was at herself. The mistakes she had made. There were enough tears that at first she didn’t feel the sting of the ice against her cheeks. Or rather, she didn’t recognize it for what it was. That storm everyone said was coming had finally arrived.
Great. She had picked the perfect night for her escape. She ignored the cold stinging her cheeks and just kept walking.
She walked as fast as she could down the narrow lane, not paying any mind whether she turned right or left when she got to the end of the red dirt drive. Away.
Freezing rain continued to fall. It was dark, the only lights the glow coming from the Amish houses and the occasional security light at the English homes dotted throughout. Some lived in trailers; most lived on farms. It was early enough that people were still awake, and their lamps cast yellow glows from their windows. It was just enough to keep her going. She could hear the splat of the rain as it hit the leaves of the kudzu, the rocks, and the road.
Sleet might have been better. Or even snow. But the rain clung to her, wet the hem of her skirt, soaked through her stockings and shoes. Ever since she’d been back, since that first day at church, she had been dressing in the traditional Amish clothing, but who was she trying to kid? She was never going to be allowed to be part of their community. She pulled her sweater a little tighter around her shoulders, vaguely wishing she had grabbed a coat on her way out of the house. Even a light jacket. True outerwear was a definite necessity when trying
