“We gotta make this right, Tillie,” Melvin said. He lowered his voice till even she could barely hear it over the rattle of the carriage and the whir of the wheels.
“Tell me,” Tillie said. She wanted him to say the words. She needed him to say them.
“We’re going to get married.” He squeezed her hand and smiled. For a moment she thought he looked a bit pained, then whatever it was disappeared, and it was just Melvin again.
“Married,” she breathed. The thought should have made her heart light, but there was one other thing she needed to know. “Here?” she asked. “We’re going to get married here? Among the Amish?”
He nodded. “Isn’t that what you want?”
For her entire life that’s all she wanted, yet why did she not feel as excited as she should? “I’m glad,” she whispered back to him. And she was, truly. Just not . . . excited. “You know what all that means,” she asked him.
He nodded.
“And you’re okay with all that?”
He squeezed her hand again, that same smile still curving his lips upward. “Anything for you, Tillie.”
* * *
To say they got some curious looks as they walked into the bishop’s house, where church was being held today, was a grand understatement. She had left the baby at home with Mammi Glick, though it was even suggested that Tillie not come to church at all since it hadn’t been long since she had Emmy but she wanted to come. It was Christmas. Any discomfort she suffered on the buggy ride over would be well worth it.
Especially with Melvin at her side.
Of course, especially with Melvin at her side. But it wasn’t like he could sit next to her during church. She sat between Hannah and Mamm and did her best to listen intently and not shift too much in place. Everyone seemed to be more concerned about the buggy ride over being what was the hardest for a woman having just recently given birth, but hard benches and three hours of singing, praying, and preaching was the hard part.
She leaned over to her mamm. “I’m going to move to the back,” she whispered.
Mamm nodded, and Tillie eased from her place and tried not to disturb too many people on her way to the back.
There were always seats in the back for the old and infirm. She really didn’t feel like either, but she would need some sort of padding in order to make it through the service. This was the best she could do. She eased down next to Ellie Byler, perhaps the oldest person in their entire district. She was also one of the sweetest people Tillie had ever met. She gave Tillie an encouraging smile as she eased into the seat. She hoped Ellie was thinking what everyone else in the room was thinking, that she and Melvin had showed up together and things had changed. Their hearts had been moved. And they were getting married.
But that’s what’s going to happen.
Right. She knew that. And she was happy about it, even if she wasn’t excited. What was excitement anyway? Having a baby in a snowstorm was exciting. Perhaps that’s why this didn’t seem quite the thrill she had thought it would. For her entire life this was all she had ever wanted, to marry Melvin Yoder and start a family. Okay, so they went about things a little bit backward and they were going to have to make up a lot of ground with the church and other members. The people who had known them their whole lives. But it could be done. A year, maybe two, they would be right on top. Right where they needed to be. Again, the thought should have made her happy, but it only made her sigh in relief.
What was wrong with her? Overly tired, maybe. Christmas blues, maybe. She had heard about people getting sad at Christmastime. Maybe now that she’d had Emmy, she would be one of those people. She knew all sorts of things changed in a woman’s body after she had a baby. Maybe that was one of the changes she would have to face.
But she didn’t want to be sad at Christmas. Not when everything was going exactly the way she had wanted it to. She should be happy. Ecstatic. Excited.
She looked across the room, her gaze colliding with Levi’s. Only the slight dip in his chin told her that he acknowledged her look. There seemed to be a bit of sadness about him today, but she supposed that was understandable after everything he had lost. It was a wonder he wasn’t hiding under the bed at home, still trying to work it out.
She gave him a small smile in return and looked back at her hands in her lap. The last thing she needed to do was be making eyes at Levi Yoder during church. That would surely cause a stir.
She turned her thoughts away from Levi and back to the sermon. As expected, it was about the Christmas story. Mary, Joseph, Jesus. As she listened, she realized that she had heard it so many times in her life that she took it for granted. She wondered how many people in the room felt the same without even realizing it.
She looked up once again, this time catching Melvin’s gaze. He didn’t smile or nod. He just looked back in his lap as if whatever was there was the most important thing in the world. And he looked uncomfortable. She supposed that was one of those to-be-expected things as well. She was uncomfortable in more ways than one, but it wouldn’t be forever. One day soon they would be back in good standing. And once that happened, she wouldn’t feel this heavy weight pressing down on her. She would be able to be
