The entire time, Mom just wanted to protect me.
“That’s why we never came back?” I asked, choking up. “You were afraid he might try to find us?”
“I was afraid of a lot of things. But I also knew this town was one I wanted to leave behind—I never wanted to come back. But life throws you curveballs, and one day you accept a job as a professor, and it doesn’t take long before you get a phone call saying your mother is showing signs of Alzheimer’s. Then you get a call saying your father had a heart attack.” She reached out and took my hand. “I knew it wasn’t an option to stay away any longer. I had to come back and help Nan for the little time we have left with her.”
Mom let out a breath and cried. Her hands covered her eyes, tears running down her cheeks.
“Mom, I—”
“I just want to tell you I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so sorry.” She wept.
“You don’t have to be sorry over anything.” I darted over and wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back and held on as tight as she could.
“You’re the best mom anyone could ask for,” I told her. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. Mom, I am who I am because of you.”
I shouldn’t have been worried about the what-ifs of having a father; I should have stayed focused on the people who chose to be in my life. Mom was the foundation of everything I ever had. I was learning to be grateful for her.
“Your grandfather would be so proud of you,” Mom said to me.
I hoped so.
Chapter 20
I woke up the next morning knowing it was a new world. The dots were connected and I could see the universe for what it really was. Trying. I walked downstairs to an empty kitchen and living room. Mom and Nan must have been asleep. It was still pretty early, but I went out to the truck. When I approached the garage I felt a sudden wave of uneasiness, knowing my father had beaten my grandfather where I was now standing. I hopped in the truck and drove.
“How are you feeling, after everything?” I heard Clay ask. I didn’t even look over at him in the passenger seat; I knew he was there.
“Complicated, I guess,” I replied. “Well, maybe it’s not that complicated. As much as I said I didn’t have expectations, a part of me always did. A part of me wanted a father who was smart, and kind, and gentle. Not one who was…awful.”
“I know,” Clay said. “I can only imagine how hard this must be. But one thing I learned through all of this is that clarity doesn’t always fix things; it only helps make sense of why people are the way that they are.” He looked at me and smiled. “You’re all trying your hardest, and because of that, it creates distance. You’ve been shortening that distance as of late, Anna, but shortening it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.”
He was right. Not much felt easier—I just felt more guilt, fuelled by grief.
“I guess, on the bright side,” Clay continued, “having our worlds colliding isn’t so bad.”
That made me smile. This hadn’t been the easiest homecoming for a lot of reasons, but I was glad Clay was with me.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“There’s no one else I’d rather have as my co-pilot.”
He didn’t reply, but I knew he was smiling too.
I found a parking spot at the edge of the waterfront. The sun was still rising and seagulls were making their presence heard, but no humans were around quite yet. I was feeling brave and told Clay he could sit on the back of the truck with me. We sat quietly for a few minutes and just watched the water lapping at the shore. It felt like the calm after a storm.
“So,” Clay eventually said, “I noticed you added something in the journal.” He paused. “Are parties really like that?”
I snorted. “Yes.”
“That’s horrible.” Clay put his hands on his head. I laughed; he was so innocent. “Why would anyone want to go to one of those?”
“You’re asking the wrong person, friend.” I grinned and put a hand on his shoulder. Eventually I rested my head on it, and he rested his on mine. Our relationship wasn’t always perfect, but he was my best friend, my co-pilot. I’d never leave Clay behind again.
“Are you still thinking about finding him?” he asked after a few more moments of comfortable silence.
“My dad?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know.” I sat up. Everything was still kind of a lot. Would it be worth it? What if he was still just as awful now as he had been in the past? I know people can change, but how much faith could I place in a man who had tried to steal from the people I loved most? I didn’t know. A part of me was still curious if there would be anything worth salvaging.
“What do you think?” I asked Clay.
“I don’t think he’s a dream worth chasing.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He nodded.
“What about your whole world-colliding monologue?”
“I just think there are some things we shouldn’t allow. I don’t think you’re chasing clarity with him. I think you’re chasing hurt.”
“I appreciate that,” I replied. “But I think whatever I choose has to be my choice, and my choice alone.”
“Okay,” Clay said “Just…just don’t end up hurting yourself along the way, okay?”
“With
