However, I’m not the only one who adores Anders. Mama calls him her giant blond son. Dove thinks he’s a majestic bear. Future wants to share everything with Anders, especially apples.
Our love gives him the confidence to push himself farther. Suddenly, he talks about adding more color in the house.
“Akron’s honey painted their family room a dark yellow and a real nice green. Feels as if their yard flows into the house.”
“I can’t think of anything better than adding more of your heart to your home,” I say, excited about his ideas.
In early October, Anders hires men to paint the house. While he supervises the home improvements, Mama, Dove, Future, and I visit Lana’s house. He doesn’t want the paint fumes to mess with his child.
“He’s very protective since I missed my menses,” I explain to Topanga.
“You should double your calories to ensure you’re getting enough to reach a healthy weight while also feeding what will likely be a large baby.”
“The baby might not be so big.”
Topanga and Lana share a look that means I’m naïve. I’m learning to read their expressions.
“Well, I will eat whatever I need to eat,” I explain, more interested in the painting going on at the house than a baby that I won’t see for a very long time. “I will see a doctor and do the stuff you do in this world.”
Again, the women share a look. I wish I felt closer to them, but I’d rather play with Dove and Future or talk with Anders and Mama than make friends. One day, I might get better at the small talk part of relationships. Right now, I only wish to focus on my four people.
“Barbie found the Dandelions!” Mama cries, rushing into the house from the front yard where she spoke with Bronco’s sister. “She found them on the phone.”
“Mama, how?” I ask, looking at my phone without understanding.
Topanga laughs when I shake the device. “She probably searched their names on the internet.”
“How do I do that?”
“I spoke with Helena,” Mama says, taking my hands and pulling me into a hug. “She and many of our friends are at a Florida commune. Tomorrow, others will come to their computer where they can see and talk to us. I didn’t understand that part, but Barbie said she would help.”
Tightening my grip on Mama, I’m struck by a cold dread. As relieved as I feel over finding our fellow Dandelions, I can never leave Anders. Does Mama understand how I won’t move to Florida?
“Are they leaving Elko?” Topanga whispers to Lana.
I sit down and try not to panic. Yet, the thought of Mama, Dove, and Future leaving breaks my heart. Abandoning Anders isn’t even a possibility, and he can’t walk away from his duty to Bronco.
Mama is so excited about finding the Dandelions that she talks too fast to Barbie. I don’t know how the women became friends. One day, Barbie showed up and said Mama should go with her for gardening supplies. Now, they talk every day. Will having a friend in the Woodlands convince Mama to stay?
“Pixie,” she says, still thrilled as she sits next to me on Lana’s couch, “there’s a camera on the phone. We can take pictures of our home and send them to Helena and the other Dandelions. Otherwise, I’m certain they would never be able to picture our life here. Barbie said Anders will know how to create the pictures for us.”
When I consider her words, Mama must see something on my face. She wraps her arms around me.
“We will always be Dandelions,” she whispers in my ear. “But, our home is with Anders now.”
Filled with relief, I hold Mama tighter. “I thought you might leave.”
“How can I leave a man who loves my chickpea shakshuka as much as Anders?” Mama teases, and I shiver with relief. “Leaving you and Anders would be like tearing out my heart. Dove and Future wouldn’t survive without you, either. This is our home.”
By the time we arrive at the newly-painted house, I’m exhausted from too many fighting emotions. Most of all, I missed Anders, but I knew he wanted everything to be nearly finished for his big reveal.
“Wow!” Future says as we walk inside.
My brother perfectly expresses how we feel once we see the rich yellows and greens on the walls. The once cold house feels warm and colorful now.
“This doesn’t look like Bronco’s house anymore,” I tell Anders, wrapping my arms around his waist. “This home belongs to Anders Van Der Haas. It’s as big and warm as his heart.”
“Only because of you,” he whispers, stroking my stomach where our baby grows.
Dove asks if she can see her room, now painted a pale purple. Mama takes the kids downstairs to investigate. She chose a light green for the bedroom she shares with Future. Though I’m excited to see everything, too, I remain at Anders’s side. He’s far more beautiful than any wall color.
“This home feels loved,” I tell Anders. “Do you?”
Anders just smiles and hugs me tighter to him. My grand sequoia does feel loved.
Despite his newfound confidence, Anders still struggles with his past. There are times when he can’t seem to find an ounce of peace in his own skin. His muscles clench as if he’s preparing to explode.
I don’t waste time explaining anything to him until he’s smoked a joint and gotten a little space from us. Then, I whisper to the scars on his body, reminding them how they represent Anders’s strength. Weaker people die from such suffering. Anders is a grand sequoia, battered by many cruel years yet as powerful as ever.
Anders knows I love the real him. No, he isn’t perfect. Occasionally, he’s downright cruel. I stand up to him at times and let him be at others. Mostly, I refuse to let his past ruin his present and future.
Anders is like a haunted house from the movies I watch during that first Halloween. Many times, he is quiet, undisturbed, beautiful. Other times, the pain from
