First time I come here I worry: How much can laundromat make? I ask Mr. Eberly, man who sold me place, how he makeenough pay two ladies work there. Mr. Eberly say it a good neighborhood, low-income white family. Blacks go to other laundromat, one where no one work, man only come at night to take money and fill change machine. But here, this what I wonder: Why people who able to own house no matter how small, why they not buy own washer and dryer? What they spend in one year at laundromat enough to buy very nice set. Kenmore. Maybe even front-loader.
This what I think: problem is vision. People think only one day ahead, one month. One year too long to think about. I understand, but have to do anyway. Even don’t know what’s gonna happen next six month or year, still good to have some plan. Still good to be working for future. Also, people who live around laundromat spend little bit of money every day, never have enough. Hard to them to imagine spend six, seven hundred dollar at one time. Wife act like that too sometime. She remember time when money come in and go out before we even see. Hard to take breath or plan.
Today, one leak. I turn machine off and push door close tight. Wife already cleaning floor. Then dryers. I go behind dryers to see problem. Two small wires broken. Look like maybe a rat. Rat have sharp teeth. I feel pain again in my neck. It feel like burning, first flame then cold. How can doctor be right? Has to be real, I can feel it. But maybe everybody right, I crazy.
Sometimes wife say so. She say, You crazy. You dreamer. When we going on cruise, when we go to Europe?
I say, Not now. She don’t understand I’m talking about future. Sometime only joy is drink and talk about future.
At laundromat I see what being owner mean. It mean see people steal. I mean it. They take everything even when nothing to take. Toilet paper from bathroom, plastic ashtray, one time somebody take money out of machine before me. Onetime man walk in and pull register from wall and walk out. We never find. That guy act like he not even stealing, he just taking back what he think he is. He think world owe him easy life. Who so stupid told him that?
Everybody know Korean work hard.
One time daughter come home from school. She say: Dad, that’s a stereotype. It makes us seem inhuman.
No, I say. We human. But Koreans always have to work hard. That what Koreans best at. Surviving. So many country try take over, Chinese, Japanese, Russia, U.S., we always have work hard just be Korean. In situation like that it don’t matter rich or poor. You never know what happen. Even today. War or stock market or getting killed in store with gun. Why they want to kill? Just take money and go.
What are we working for?
Doesn’t matter. Understand work, understand life. That what life is. Life is hardest work.
I wonder why when I say, it sound so easy? My daughter look like she understand but don’t want to believe. If she understand Korean then I can explain.
Her English very good. My Korean very good. Sometime not work so well together.
She look at beer can on table. She look nervous. She say: Dad, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
I so surprise I say:
Yah, used to be. Now I just enjoy.
Son say:
When I grow up, I’m going to be David Letterman.
Daughter say:
I’m going to be an immigration lawyer.
Son now vice president in bank. Daughter immigration lawyer. They happy. I happy, of course. Make everything worth it. How come I depress?
Every day wife tell me to see psychiatrist. Pretend no hear. She say I thinking old way. It no big deal. She say Kim Shin-ho go to one. She say I being selfish. She say she have to live with me too. When she say that, I show her what it mean to live with me. Black eye. Even though that not what I mean.
I go to psychiatrist. Dr. McDowell. Work in Atlanta, two hour away. Doctor, he is younger than me, maybe thirty-five. First he just want me to talk, then he ask lot a questions. Where I born? What year? When I move here? What I do. What wife do. What children do.
I tell him everything he want to know. Born in Pusan 1937, move to America 1976. For six year I owner of Sunshine Laundromat in Piedmont. Wife do what I do.
He ask me if I make money.
Not too good! I say. Why he want to know that?
He say he ask because maybe I’m stress.
Yah, always stress about money, but that natural. Never know what gonna happen. That not the problem. I have nice house and Mercedes. Children doing good.
I ask him what kind a people come to this place. People with mental problems?
He say: No, not really. He look at round gold watch on desk.
I say: Still, anyway, some are crazy?
No. I don’t believe in crazy people, Mr. Oh.
Not even Hitler?
Personally, I think he was more evil than crazy.
Yah, but he must be crazy to hate so much. Too much feeling one way or other make you crazy.
I think of all the times I yelling at wife and children. They look at me like I crazy.
I not able to say even in Korean.
Doctor nod at me. Go on, he say.
Why people get depress?
Doctor say: Depends. Sometimes it’s chemical, sometimes it’s environmental. Sometimes they’re sad about the death of someone they’ve loved. I also think it’s natural in the course of life.
Doctor, you think you a good man?
We’re not here to talk about me.
Okay, I
