Okay, that’s seriously creepy. I like it!
Ugh—makes me kind of appreciate kudzu now
Less modern, but still maybe not fitting?
Yes!
I and I—having trouble wrapping my head around the construction
watch passive language in the middle of a fight.
HUZZAH! Fist is pumping in the air!
Transitions here need some smoothing—in a fight scene, I’d just go for direct instead of connecting lanaguege like Then, next, etc—you don’t need it. The power’s there
Whoa
Her?
I’m with Elmore Leonard on adverb lead-ins. You really don’t need them.
Gentlemen—this construct of internumbering chapters gives me concerns. It’s confusing and contrary in some ways to the usual outlining construct. If you’re going to have chapter sections, may I propose that you identify them with capital letters instead? This would work with outlining conventions better
I’d say invincible here
Had is not strictly passive but it acts as such and slows the narrative
How about a more warrior-like bird? Eagles? Falcons? Give me a raptor of some kind—http://www.africanraptor.co.za/wordpress/
You refer to them below as The Matile—possessive should be this
Charles—you need a playlist for this novel. I’m reading it with Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the background. It’s amazing.
That is amazing – well done!
I love this description – right here, bleak, beautiful
Birds of prey, etc as well—You have corbies, crows in Africa. They’re great for imagery and frightening since they take before death
Charles—this may be a very respectable African name, but it’s slang for motherfucker—just saying
Excellent—tears here
I’m Scottish, our term for this is sassenach
This section’s a bit slow. Tiyana is one of my favorites of the characters in the story and I know you are going to pay this off, but you may want to shorten it somewhat
Behind his beard? Sheltered by his beard?
Brilliant hook
Charles, I have a problem with a “red-shirt” character introduced about ¾ of the way through the book
Oh creepy—this is going to get very strange very quickly I suspect
I like these people
So typical
YES
I am wondering with all the dead, etc, why have there not been massive plagues as well? Generally, bodies are burned to prevent cholera, etc
Good the tension is building up more here
That’s my girl!
Just yesterday a friend said every politician has caused more deaths than a soldier.
Nooooo....It ends here?
Good—I was going to suggest this. I actually have similar notes that I used to keep up with the story.
The other thing that would be helpful is a map to go along with the place names.
