“Do you miss your own house?” Lena couldn’t imagine living anywhere other than Maggie’s garden.
“Condo. Yeah, sometimes. I love my mother, but I’ve lived on my own for so long that it’s difficult to share my space again. Plus, having more than two rooms for myself and Ella would be nice too.”
“I’ve never lived in my own house before, always with roommates. And I get what you’re saying about having your own space, but sometimes I miss the familiarity of sharing with people you care for. Like my last roommate.” She groaned. “Maybe not so much sharing a bathroom with her obnoxious boyfriend, but still.”
“Did you move out because of the boyfriend?” Jess’s voice was wary.
“No, she didn’t like that she couldn’t play her music super loud while I had my massage clients. Are we back to the interrogation?” She didn’t mind talking about that part of her past, but the judgment in Jess’s tone irked her.
Jess stopped walking and looked at her. The low evening light broke through trees and softened her features. “No, no, I’m sorry. If you want to, we can talk about me instead.” She grinned. “You know, I’m a doctor, and we tend to be self-absorbed and egotistical. I love talking about myself.”
Lena laughed. She doubted that, but they could test the theory. “Are you sure?”
“At least, that’s what my dates think of me.” A hint of bitterness clung to the statement. “Ask me anything.”
“Are you such a bad date? Are you seeing someone right now?” Lena expected Jess to deflect the questions but wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“No, I haven’t for a while. Not since before I got pregnant. Too occupied with work, and whenever I tried, it fizzled out after a few dates.” Jess shrugged. “I don’t intend to be a bad date, but nothing much is going on in my life but work, so I can’t talk about anything else.”
“I can relate. Some weeks all I do is work and sleep. I haven’t had the energy to date either.” And Lena didn’t want to think about how long it had been. “But isn’t there always something else to talk about? Dreams? Hopes? Favorite movies?”
“Maybe if I had time to actually watch movies. And recently my dreams have been about starting a family. Not such a good topic for the first couple of dates. I might have chased the women off before dessert.” Jess laughed in an awkward way that was adorable.
“Yeah, lesbian dating isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I haven’t had the U-Haul on the second date experience either.” And that was how Lena had wanted it. Her no-commitment vibes had always helped to protect her heart.
“Oh, you’re a lesbian too?” Jess looked over to at her with a grin. “I guess my gaydar is a bit rusty.”
“See, now we have found something in common. Mine has been gathering dust for a while too.” Lena grinned back, and they continued their walk in companionable silence.
At the next crossing, Jess stopped. “It’s getting dark. Do you want to turn around?”
“No, not at all. This is nice.” She could walk for hours. This new side of Jess wasn’t something she’d expected to find. Had Jess really meant it when she’d told Lena to ask her anything? Time to test her commitment to that statement. “Was it a difficult decision to have Ella on your own?”
“Wow, you don’t play around with easy questions.” Jess stopped walking to adjust Ella’s blanket even though her daughter hadn’t moved. She continued with her gaze on the street, “I guess the answer is yes and no. The wish of having a child had always been there but quiet in the shadows of whatever I was doing at the moment. There was always a good reason to postpone. Since I started high school, I’ve always had this plan for my life. I had mapped out the steps I needed to take to succeed professionally and even personally. But I realized there weren’t many years left to find a wife, settle down, and get pregnant, and I didn’t want to waste them on searching for the perfect partner. So I skipped a few steps, and here we are.”
Lena wasn’t sure how to answer. She had never met someone who planned their life like that. Most people she knew, herself included, tried to keep from drowning as life’s tides and currents threw them from one direction to the other.
Silence stretched between them like an empty ocean until Jess said, “I’m sorry. That was maybe more than you wanted to know, right?”
“No, that’s fine. Thank you for sharing. It totally changes my perception of you.”
“Now you see me as a sad thirty-something who is overly concerned with the ticking alarm in her ovaries?”
“Um…” Lena would never say that, but she couldn’t deny it either.
Jess snorted. “You don’t have to answer that.”
The rustling of trees from the nearby park and muted music from one of the houses accompanied their walk as Lena thought about Jess’s words. Having a dream and a plan for her life and following them was something Lena had abandoned long ago before she even left high school. Jess’s tenacity was admirable.
“What’s your dream?” Jess asked quietly.
“Not starving?” Lena laughed, but it sounded hollow to her own ears. “That’s not really true, but I haven’t had much time to think about dreams and goals in the last few years. I was busy paying my bills.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. Being able to follow your dreams is a privilege, even if dreaming doesn’t cost anything.”
Lena hummed noncommittally. In her experience, that wasn’t true. You paid for dreaming with tears and heartbreak. But she didn’t want to go into that right now. That was much too depressing for the first talk between not-even-friends. Lena needed to steer the conversation back to safer ground. “Are you
