“The first question that pops in my head is: Isn’t it something that old people get?” Lena blushed.
Jess had to laugh. “Yes and no. It’s not common at my age but not unheard of. The kind I have is very rare. It’s called PPCM, peripartum cardiomyopathy, which means I got it because of my pregnancy. The specific cause is unknown, but it’s probably a combination of unlucky genetics and high levels of oxytocin at the end of pregnancy and during nursing.” Talking about it theoretically, as if explaining any other cardiac disease to anyone else, wasn’t as uncomfortable as Jess had expected.
Lena tilted her head to the side. “And what does that mean for you?”
“I take some medication, and if you look at statistics, I’m very likely to recover.” And Jess had decided she believed in the numbers. They wouldn’t let her down. “I didn’t want to stay away from work so long, but I haven’t been fit enough to go back. And that’s why I need to get back in shape.” Jess pushed the stroller and took the turn to the park.
After a few steps, Lena still hadn’t caught up to her. Jess looked back.
Lena hurried after her, then touched her arm lightly, ready for immediate retreat. “But what does it really mean? Inside?”
“Inside?” Did Lena want to know about the structural damage?
“Emotionally. I can’t even begin to imagine being in your shoes. Are you afraid?”
“Oh.” Afraid didn’t even begin to cover it; terrified was more like it. Jess shivered as if a sudden blizzard had wiped away all warmth. Only Lena’s hand on her arm provided a sliver of heat. “Yeah. What if my heart doesn’t recover? I might not be able to take care of Ella on my own.” Her throat constricted, and she swallowed once, twice, as if she could get rid of her fear that way.
“Is there anything you can do to improve it? Can I help in any way?” The warm voice held none of the pity Jess had expected.
Focus! Jess had learned long ago to push her fear and doubts aside to concentrate on what had to be done. Somehow, under Lena’s supportive gaze, the ballast that had to be shifted seemed lighter than before. “I guess you’re doing it already. You keep me company on my walks. I love Ella, but interesting conversation isn’t her forte. Talking to you stops me from brooding and wallowing in self-pity.” Plus, she enjoyed getting to know Lena but wasn’t sure how to express that particular feeling.
“If you want, we could do this more often. Whenever I’m home in the evening and you’re up to it, I’ll take a walk with you.”
“Thank you.” The idea of walking with Lena every evening brought a smile to Jess’s face. The promise was like the scent of a good wine, making her head buzz with anticipation and warming her from within.
“You could join me for tai chi in the morning too. It’s supposed to be good for your health.” The enthusiasm in Lena’s voice was infectious.
“Great idea.” Jess nodded. “You’ve been right about tai chi and core muscles. I read up about it after your lesson and found some scientific studies that show a positive benefit in cardiac diseases.”
A smile played on Lena’s lips at the mention of studies. “So you’ll join me tomorrow?”
“If you’ll let me know when it’s getting to much. I don’t want to occupy all your free time. I’m sure you have better things to do.” Jess walked on, even if it meant Lena’s hand slipped from her arm. But she didn’t want to appear too eager, too needy.
Lena laughed. “You would think so, but really, you’re much better for me than falling asleep on the couch while trying to read something. That’s what I usually do.”
“I saw you sketching several times in the garden. Don’t you do that in the evenings?”
“Sometimes, yes. But most evenings I’m too tired to concentrate after working all day.”
Jess could relate. After twelve or fourteen hours at the hospital, she often felt the same. More evenings than not, she’d fallen asleep on the couch in her apartment while her friends went out. And now that she had Ella, she didn’t expect her tiredness to leave her for the foreseeable future. She shook her head and chuckled.
“What? Do you think my work isn’t tiring?” The hint of defensiveness in Lena’s voice wiped the grin from Jess’s face.
“No, no. That’s not it! I was just laughing about my own delusions. What you described sounds exactly like what I did in the evenings before I moved here. When I wasn’t on call on the weekends, I might have gone out to dinner maybe every couple of months when my friends remembered I was still alive. The rest of my evenings, I spent on the uncomfortable couch. Why I thought this situation would improve when I had a baby in the house is beyond me.” Jess groaned. “Stupid.”
“Stupid is a bit strong. Expectations and hope can cloud anyone’s judgment. Sometimes, when you want something enough, you don’t heed the warning signs.” Lena’s voice wavered at the last words. She swallowed audibly. Was Lena still talking about her?
Jess had promised not to pry for more information, but the pain in Lena’s voice stirred something in her. Protectiveness? Whatever it was, it helped to keep her curiosity at bay. If Lena wanted to tell her what had hurt her in the past, she would at her own pace.
“Whenever I bore you to death with my poor-me stories, just say the word and stop me,” Jess said. “Or kick me.”
“You’re not that bad. And that’s what friends are for.” Lena’s voice was lighter now.
Friends? Regular steps in perfect synchronicity filled the silence as Jess tried on the fit of that word. Her old friends had fallen to the wayside as she’d focused on her chosen path through med school and residency. Were
