Join? On the chair? It was oversized but not that big, at least not for two people who weren’t in an intimate relationship. Jess pushed the image of snuggling from her mind as fast as it had sprung up. Her gaze went to the bed. She swallowed. Even though she’d erased all visible traces of their night together, it still held the memory of waking up in Lena’s embrace and everything else they’d done last night.
With one bare foot, Lena pushed the leather ottoman in her direction. It was big enough to sit one or two people and as plush as the chair.
She should know; it had been her favorite place in the world when the chair still belonged to her dad. He had read to her from the very book Lena was reading, sitting in the same spot. Just as she planned to read the same book to Ella one day.
Jess sat facing Lena, so close her knees almost brushed Lena’s bare feet. Taking her old place eased some of the tension from Jess’s shoulders. Years ago, she’d been more carefree, with an innate trust everything would be okay. Instead of planning every detail, she’d dreamed of the future.
Lena handed her another mug from the side table. “I made you tea. I wasn’t sure if you’re back to coffee yet.”
“Thanks. I had my one cup per day already.” Jess cradled the cup with a sigh. It looked awfully pale. “I hope that’ll be enough when I get back to work.”
“Are you happy to return? You sound a bit… I don’t know…sad? Reluctant?”
Jess blew on the hot liquid, then took a sip. Mint. Not as good as from her mom’s garden, but it was the only herbal tea she had besides some maternity anti-bloating stuff that tasted horrible. Even more shopping was needed, yet another thing for her ever-growing to-do list. She grimaced. She hadn’t answered Lena’s question. That was answer enough in itself.
“Yes and no. I’m looking forward to getting out of my mom’s house and back to work. I love my job, and it’s not only a means to earn money. But…” She sighed and took another sip. “I’ll miss Ella during the day, when she’s most active. And to be honest, I’ll miss our morning tai chi and evening walks and talks.”
A sad smile tugged at Lena’s lips. “I’ll miss it too. But I understand the feeling of wanting to be in your own space. You must be happy to be home again.” Lena gestured to the chair and the bed, but the swipe of her hand seemed to encompass the whole apartment or even the whole city, all of which was so unlike her mom’s home.
Jess wouldn’t go as far as describing the fluttery feeling in her chest as happiness. It was more positive than negative, sure, but her decision was based on her mind, not her gut. And home? “I’m not so sure this is my home.”
“No?” Lena rested her hand on Jess’s knee; it was still warm from the tea she’d held.
“A home needs more than walls and furniture. Happy memories, personal attachment. If everything in here burned down, I wouldn’t miss a thing except for this chair and some of the old children’s books I saved for Ella. The rest is replaceable. Hell, most of the interior decoration wouldn’t have been my first choice. And I wasn’t home that much to create memories. I was either at work or out.”
“So the living room…you didn’t pick the furniture?” Lena was trying for a neutral expression and tone, but she failed miserably.
Jess laughed. “God, no. All that white and cream. In the beginning, I was afraid to sit on the couch. When I bought the condo, it was already furnished, and I never took the time to replace the stuff.”
A real smile broke through Lena’s polite facade. “I’m so glad to hear that. Yesterday I couldn’t feel your energy flowing anywhere in the apartment, and that’s why I ended up in your bedroom. I was looking for traces of the real Jess. I found some in Ella’s room, but here, in this chair, I sense you the most. This is you.”
“Yeah. This is as close as it gets at the moment.” Flowing energy. Jess wasn’t so sure she’d word it the same, but Lena was spot-on in her observation. She looked at Lena’s hand, which still rested on her knee. Was the heat and tingling spreading from her hand the same kind of energy, only Lena’s? Or was it plain lust and attraction? Whatever it was, she liked this connection. If her life wasn’t so complicated, she’d love to explore it again, see if she could find her old self or even discover a new and improved version of herself.
“What part of yourself are you missing the most?” Lena leaned back to take another sip of tea and gave her an encouraging smile.
The urge to confess her insecurities rose to the surface like a bear stumbling out of its cave after a long sleep in winter. She wanted to tell Lena all about how she felt soft and weak in her body, old and no longer attractive.
Maybe it was the seat. She’d had hundreds of personal talks with her dad in the same position. Only Lena didn’t feel at all like a parental figure, and Jess didn’t expect her to solve all her problems or give absolution for the things she’d messed up. If it wasn’t the seat, maybe it was the woman. The thought sent shivers down her spine like an ice shower after the promise of spring—a warning not to trust too soon.
Instead of answering the question, Jess rose, and her thigh cooled as Lena’s hand dropped away. “I need to work on my to-do list. It’s getting late.”
“Sure.” If Lena was fazed by the change of topic, she didn’t let on. “Can I help in any way?”
Even that innocent question seemed layered with a promise
